The first thing you need not do is panic or jump to conclusions. Having a fetish or a chronic sexual issue doesn’t make your partner a sexual deviant. Unfortunately our society is still very skittish when it comes to sexual expression. I say it’s unfortunate because I know that if everyone were left to their own devices and providing simple, logical and common sense rules are followed there is no reason why we can’t be more sexually expressive and be very healthy human beings.
That being said you’re probably sitting there thinking, ‘I don’t care about society, I care about my relationship with this guy who is obviously not who I thought he was.’ The first thing I would suggest you do is read my article on what a fetish is and how it originates and you can do that here. If you’ve already read it we’ll go on…
Knowing that a fetish is simply a set of circumstances that came together at the precise right moment in time usually as a pre-adolescent, I want you to understand that for that reason this isn’t something your partner sat down and chose and if it was something they were truly okay with themselves they’d be singing it from the rooftops and not care what others think.
There’s a certain amount of shame that comes with these feelings so if you discovered this on your own through evidence around the house then you can understand why he’s been secretive. It’s got nothing to do with him doing something wrong he just doesn’t know how to tell you. And let’s be honest, if he sat down and told you it probably wouldn’t have gone well. So here are some steps I would take when you discover this or he’s led you to this post because he’s too chicken to tell you himself. 🙂
- Educate yourself instead of jumping to horrific conclusions. You’ll find most fetishes involve the male being submissive and this can prove to be a big plus in your life if you learn about it and use it, which is what he wants you to do anyway.
- Sit down and discuss it with him AFTER you’ve done some research. This does not mean you sit down and spend 3 hours chastising him. Keep a cool head and learn from him. Every single person who has a particular fetish will have their own subtle (and sometimes not so subtle) nuances that they enjoy that won’t be in any research you’ve done.
- After you’ve done your homework and you’ve talked to him NOW do your thinking. Is this something that you might be able to work with? Are you willing to give up on the relationship because of a small sexual issue? Remember fetishes are usually not a big deal. We’re the only ones who make them a big deal so do some serious thinking before you trash a perfectly good guy over something like this especially since as I said before, most of what you’ll find is submissive behavior and that’s very easy to work with.
Try to keep in mind that a fetish isn’t a reflection of you or your relationship. Don’t take it personally which we women tend to do. ‘What did I do wrong?’ ‘Maybe if I’d been a better lover.’ These feelings were there way before you came along I can assure you. As soon as you start thinking, ‘who is this guy?’ you’re mind will be happy to fill in those blanks and give you all sorts of negative and usually unfounded thoughts.
My suggestion is always to try to work with the fetish and not against it because the more you push against something the bigger it gets. And if you really need more help you can always contact me and I’d be happy to shed more light on it for you. Just don’t throw in the towel too quickly, you’ll be pleasantly surprised at what a little knowledge and patience will do for YOU!