I received this email from Pat (who btw is contributing to The Review wonderfully with his comments, thank you Pat!) and I really think it bears discussing as this can really be a confusing part of submission. After reading part of my ongoing series on becoming a powerful woman he writes:
“…Your advice to women was basically to know their worth and respect themselves. People will treat you in line with your own evaluation of yourself, so start thinking like and being a princess.
Good advice as far as it goes. But it got me thinking about a submissive male’s worth. I agree that being assertive and selfish enough to look out for your own interests is essential for anyone in building self esteem. It’s something that I’m working on myself.
The problem is that as a submissive you are expected to explicitly thwart your own self assertiveness (well DUH, Pat!). Even if your mistress keeps you in your place in a loving way (so-called loving female authority), buckling under still requires self suppression, rather than self expression and self assertion.
So, if we agree that self assertiveness is a necessary component of self esteem then deliberately suppressing ones ideas, needs, and wants certainly must hurt self esteem.
This isn’t just theory. I experience this as a daily struggle trying to maintain self respect while still embracing my submissive side.
On one hand, I would love to find a woman to give myself to in that way. Then there’s another side of me that tells me I’m better than that and deserve better than being treated as an underling.
I’m stuck. My submissive need is not a fetish; it’s a deeply rooted emotional need. Yet, my rational mind will not accept it because I hold values that are diametrically opposed to submissiveness.
At times it almost makes me sick and I get very angry at my submissive side. It causes me a lot of stress – this war that goes on inside me. I’ve actually come to tears on a couple of occasions out of shear frustration. I just don’t know what to do…”
He makes a very valid point. How can you keep your self-esteem yet still remain submissive?
As I’ve discussed before we are all both dominant and submissive. Some of us lean more to one or the other and there are those who are just fully dominant or submissive. What needs to be remembered is that as with everything in life it takes balance.
Can a submissive male have self-esteem and self-worth? Absolutely! As he states submission for him is a ‘deeply rooted emotional need,’ and it’s this way for many men. However this doesn’t mean you have to choose one side or the other. You can have your submissive needs met and not lose yourself in the process. This is the reason we have ProDommes. It allows, for some people, the avenue through which you can feed that submissive emotional need without going in to the lifestyle completely.
As I’ve said many times and I don’t care how many times I have to say it, there is nothing written in stone, no hard and fast rules. Submission doesn’t have to include humiliation. Humiliation has always been a sticking point with me. I personally don’t like it and don’t like engaging in it. Although I understand the need and sexual turn-on from it, it just rubs me the wrong way. Some of you guys who have spoken with me and asked me to do this for you will know that I suck at it for that reason.
When you’re thinking of engaging in a lifestyle with someone on a full time basis you have to remember that it ISN’T all one way. If you want things to work you HAVE to sit down from time to time as two vanilla individuals and discuss what is working and what isn’t for each person.
I understand the need to fully immerse yourself in your submission and give yourself over to the right dominant female is a huge draw, but you should never, ever do so to the point of losing who you are, as I said earlier.
Maybe it’s easier if I give you an example and Ill use myself for it. I am 99.9% dominant. I run my life as a dominant, my household as a dominant, my career…you name it. However, in the bedroom, with the right alpha male I am 100% submissive. Submissive men in the bedroom get on my nerves. I want to be ravaged and ‘taken,’ not whined at and looking for direction all the time. As a matter of fact any submissive who was ever in my care has always known the rules for me and they are; you have a brain and I expect you to use it, don’t ask me for permission to do every fucking thing in your life, if you have an opinion I expect you to express in the right forum and the list goes on but you get the idea.
I’m not saying that there aren’t submissives out there who need intense direction, nor would I say that there aren’t dominant women who are more than willing to direct every aspect of your life, there are. What I’m saying is that you need to find a balance that works for you. It’s the reason why you’ll find many, MANY, CEO’s and guys who are in positions of great power throughout the day will walk away from that the minute they get home and drop to their knees.Â Does it make them less of a submissive or human being because they aren’t submissive all the time? No.
Pat I think your frustration is coming from that point of there being only one way to serve, either give yourself over completely or not and that’s just not reasonable or rational. There are many couples who are living the lifestyle that you would never suspect are doing so because they keep it separate from their outward appearance or public lives.
A good Domme of any kind will know you get much further with praise than with the cane or harsh words anyway. It’s identical to dog training. There’s a time and a place for everything you just need to find the right partner with the right frame of mind to make it mutual not one sided.