Ask Dr Sue – Perception is Everything in Cuckolding

N writes:

“I’m 28 and cuckolding was something that aroused me since my early 20s. It stems from my desire for submission and humiliation which grew stronger over time.

There are two things that stop me from experience either a scene like this, or a cuckold relationship. First being the fantasy vs reality part. Since a lot of things are best kept as a fantasy. Perhaps I’m not really into this in reality.

Yet when I hear a woman talking about cheating on an ex of hers, or reading real experiences about women that degrade their boyfriends behind their back with other men. I get an instant erection and heart palpitations.

Secondly, is the kind of person that I am. Obviously being submissive and/or a cuckold, doesn’t mean that someone is physically or mentally weak or unattractive. I’m good looking and I don’t have an issue with finding a partner for sex. And who I am is completely opposite of these sexual desires, so to speak. Which makes it more difficult for me to accept a role that would put me in this position. And at the same time it makes it more intense, since humiliation is arousing to me. It “hurts” more because of that. Kind of like <<the bigger they are, the harder they fall>>.

The summer that passed, I met a young girl that’s super submissive. We were chatting quite a bit. After a week or so, we met and kissed for hours, then we kept talking online. She liked me a lot and was interested in trying a dominant role with me. She enjoys being masochistic and submissive to dominant people, and shared a fantasy of hers. She’d like to keep a guy waiting for her while she’s busy with other people. Even sent a picture of a used condom after she had sex to tease me.

I shared a few desires of mine with her. But of course not the whole truth (a lot of things that interest me and most likely her as well). And that’s due to the two reasons that I mentioned above.

Not having masturbated for a while and/or being a little intoxicated, makes it easier for me to open up. You know how it goes.

Hell, I even wished that she or other women would somehow learn this side about me and  then I’d be “forced” to be honest.

With all that being said. My question is how do I approach this if I decide to get serious about it? I even thought of having someone “expose” me to them, or even paying a dominant person online to do so. Not any random person, of course.

What do you think?”

You open up a myriad of complex issues here N but I’ll try to weave this in such a way that will make sense to you and anyone else who is reading this.

I think too many men think that if they are submissive that is all they are. We tend to think of things in black or white terms and that doesn’t work with sex or many things actually.

Just because you have a sexually submissive side doesn’t mean that is all of who you are. We are all both dominant and submissive, we just tend to lean more towards one or the other but depending on the circumstances and people involved we can switch. For example, I don’t think if I was holding your mother at gunpoint you’d get all submissive in the moment. I believe that how you are identifying yourself could be the issue. You may not even be a cuckold you could be a voyeur. You boys tend to base your sexual identities on what porn you watch forgetting that porn is entertainment, even the amateur shit.

So part of what you could do is to shift your perception. You are a guy who enjoys some submissive stuff in the bedroom. Doesn’t mean you can’t be dominant in the bedroom too, just means you like to do both including possibly watching your partner have sex with someone else. I would suggest you read my article Cuckold or Voyeur to see.

Here’s another reason why I can tell you are basing all of this on porn. A submissive woman is NOT the type you want to try any cuckolding with. Someone has to be in charge in the room and it can never be the bull. Again, this is the porn perception of cuckolding. You also don’t want to do extreme humiliation with a partner or you’ll risk losing them.

As you say, much of what men enjoy in porn is best left in fantasy. Doesn’t mean you can’t play it out in the bedroom in role play scenarios but for many couples that’s as far as it should go. And you never start a cuckold relationship right from the start either. Doing that ensure you will end up no longer in a loving relationship but just a typical D & s one. Cuckolding is a very tricky and not easily sustained lifestyle and it is NOT for everyone even if you think it could be.

Your point about the perception of cuckolds is a great one and one that I brought up recently with another sub. Cuckold’s are perceived as dumb, useless, weak, and broke. All of those descriptions are so far from the truth it’s unreal. A cuckold has to be in a very strong relationship with his partner. He has to have balls of steel to watch someone he desperately loves have sex with another man. The true successful cuckold relationships I’ve counselled or have known myself are wealthy men in great relationships who are in no way humiliated or stupid, they just enjoy watching their wives be satisfied by dick they cannot provide occasionally. Not every day, not every week, not even every month, it’s done as a special occasion. It’s treated as something special because it is.

So maybe today’s word should be perception because perception is everything. Perceive yourself as a stupid weak male and you will be seen as that. Want to be in a healthy relationship, be honest first with yourself, then with your partner in ALL areas of your life but especially in the bedroom otherwise you’ll be yet another statistic locked in an unsatisfying marriage because that’s what you were ‘supposed’ to do.

Oh and getting someone to expose you to someone else is the biggest bitch ass move ever. It’s rude, it’s selfish, it’s narcissistic, and it can be traumatizing to whomever you’re exposing yourself too. And don’t get someone else to be your spine. Exposing your kinks to people who are not interested or are not involved with is cowardly and no one will ever want to be in a long-term relationship with a bitch. Man up and own who you are and what you enjoy. Do that, and watch how someone will enter your life who enjoys what you do.