BDSM or Abuse Where Does the Line Get Crossed?

The subject of BDSM and abuse is a touchy one. Many people think BDSM is abuse, period. But that is an incorrect conclusion based on a lack of knowledge of what really happens when BDSM is practiced in a safe, sane way.

Some would argue that what goes on behind closed doors between consenting adults is none of anyone’s business, and they would be right – to a point. If everyone were to practice BDSM the way it was meant to be done, as I said, using SSC (safe, sane, consensual), RACK (Risk Aware Consensual Kink) and PRICK (Personal Responsibility Informed Consensual Kink) there would be no issues and we could just close the door on the subject. Unfortunately there are those who either don’t know what they’re doing because they were never trained and have no interest in learning because it’s easier to just say you’re a Dom/Domme than actually train to be one in an unregulated industry, or in some cases the people involved are truly mentally ill or just plain evil/psychopathic. And some of you won’t know the difference until it’s too late.

I’m going to tell you a few true stories about submissive males who got themselves into situations that in my opinion are not BDSM but abuse. You can draw your own conclusions.

I used to speak with a lovely gentleman, K, who met his wife in a Yahoo chatroom in days of yor.  He was very submissive and meek and he loved his wife who cuckolded him with black men (she herself was African American, K is white) and even became pregnant with a bull’s child. All pretty standard stuff right? Not so. You see he would call and talk to me about the beatings he endured. And I say endured because pain was not his thing.

K would get very harsh beatings several times a week, sometimes just because she was in a bad mood. And by beating I mean with a leather belt using the metal buckle end. There were days when he could barely move from the beating but still had to get to work and then get home to do his domestic chores lest the man get another beat down with the belt/buckle.

Using a leather belt can work brilliantly as an at-home flogger, however where I feel she goes over the line is in the use of the belt buckle combined with the fact that her husband wasn’t into pain. Domination isn’t about terrorizing your sub, unless they like that. It’s not about taking out your frustrations on someone at all let alone to the point where it’s almost impossible to walk. Especially your spouse who I assume you love or you wouldn’t have married them.

But K also drops the ball too. If we apply PRICK, he never stood up for himself and allowed himself to be abused. But even this is over simplified. Subs can become so weak to their spouses that they are unable to stand up for themselves which was the case with K. I tried to get him to talk to his wife but he didn’t want to do it out of fear of her wrath.

Another gentleman is up to his eyeballs with his Financial Dominatrix. You’ve heard me write about Rich several times here on The Review and he’s still in deep with her despite our continued discussions to get him to let her go.

This “Domme” is quite simply, a psychopath. Rich is in a continuous tug-of-war with her begging for his freedom. Rich is also battling cancer. Our illustrious Domme doesn’t care. She has threatened him with both ruination and physical harm if he doesn’t pay. She doesn’t care about his cancer and has in fact, laughed about it. She has put him under continuous stress and pressure throughout his cancer treatment despite his doctors telling him he needs peace. He has a very good job and could end up completely ruined if she exposes him. He has no choice but to comply with her demands again, out of fear.  Is Rich partially to blame for this? 100% But that doesn’t take this findom princess’s behavior off the hook.

These relationships are NOT BINDING regardless of what women try to tell you unless you get into a legal debt contract/loan agreement with them which would require legal documents. Keyword being ‘legal.’ Very, very few findom’s spend the money to create proper legal documents. Fuck most of the alleged dommes don’t have the originality to create their own content let alone pay for legal documents to be drawn up, which is why I say just dump the bitch. Change your email, if necessary dump your bank accounts and open new ones then don’t let the screen door hit ya on your way out. Bye!!

Findom is a buyer beware situation. You asked for this and you got it. You can’t bitch about it but at the same time when someone comes to you as the dominant in the room and says they are battling cancer and would like to stop serving, you say thank you for your service and let them go. It doesn’t make you cooler, or tougher to be a cunt. Lack of empathy, narcissism, coercion, charm makes you a psychopath not a Queen. So in this case I say the line is crossed when cancer is put on the table with no buyout at the very least and when you threaten physical harm now we’re talking a felony. Sprinkle in a little coercion and she wouldn’t be the first Domme and certainly not the last to be brought up on charges. Just sayin’.

The next situation is distressing but it is not the first time I’ve heard a similar story. Not long ago a friend in the community brought me a situation with a married couple, once again getting into cuckolding. In this case, the husband has a spinal cord problem and is wheelchair bound with difficulties having sex, though not impossible, and he has to use a catheter and diaper. Not a fun situation to find yourself in, so an open marriage seems like a logical choice right? Well once again we have a woman who seems to have gone off the rails. This woman, let’s call her R and her ‘bulls’ are not just terrorizing this man, we’ll call him J, but they are abusing him physically and in his mind he has no other option but to deal with it. What started out as a loving female led relationship before the spinal disease has turned into a nightmare.

R and ‘the bulls’ have sex upstairs, J is not allowed to watch but only listen from the first floor. Lovers stop by his room and berate him on their way out, setting the TV remote just out of J’s reach. It gets worse.

R started cancelling his caregivers. She will pull him out of his chair and onto the bed, take off his diaper and then call her friends to come and watch her change him. Or she leaves him in his dirty diaper for hours. She takes him out of the wheelchair and sits him in a chair in the corner for hours. He is not allowed out unless a charity organization takes him out.

This is not humiliation, this is abuse. This is not domination, this is abuse. This is not love, this is abuse. And what does she hold over him? If he leaves her, he has to go into a home. He loves his wife despite her treatment of him. This again, in my opinion, is coming from an individual who has a form of Stockholm syndrome. He lives in fear everyday of being put in a home so he endures her torture.

Again, I know some of you will say that based on PRICK these men weren’t taking care of themselves and asked for what they got but I still don’t think anything is that cut and dried. Although I do believe that the submissive has a responsibility regarding their own behavior and willingness to be abused, I also know that many submissives become targets based on their inherent weakness.

But as the dominant, in my opinion, you have more responsibility. You’re the grown up. You’re the “one in control.” You have the soul of the individual who is on their knees in front of you, whether they are physically there in or not, in your hands. That’s the whole point of power exchange. But if the one in control is not in control of their own mind and emotions, they cease to be in control and the inmates are running the asylum.

When BDSM ends up in the media it’s usually based on the actions of one of these out of control dominants which then paints the entire community in a bad light. Not everyone who practices BDSM is a psychopath or a simp. But it’s up to you to do your homework. Most of the folks who engage in any type of BDSM, fetish or alternative lifestyle are fun, happy and as together as any of us are. We just like to have more fun on the edge but not over the line.

What do you think? Sound off below…