Tom wrote this in an email:
Beyond the difference between lifestyle and pro domination, there seems to me to be an ever growing rift between what i would consider “real” domination and the approach of so many insta-dommes making vids and doing on line “domination”, who seem to think that being a bitch with a whip and being rude is what it means to be a Domme. I’d love to see an article (if there isn’t one already) on this topic. My experience with some amazing Dommes included concepts such as mutual respect and the way a Domme craves Her sub’s devotion and submission just as much as he craves Her power and dominance. Ideas such as these and the Domme actually caring about Her sub, or that that D/s is about total exchange of power and not disrespect (just to name a couple) seem to be totally abstract concepts to so many of the “instas”. If You agree then I’d love to know Your thoughts and/or see a new article on the topic!
TY Dr Sue
Respectfully,
tom
You’ve picked up on a very contentious subject Tom and you are absolutely RIGHT!
There has been a slow and steady deterioration of Femme Domme as a whole primarily due to the internet. The internet has been both a blessing and a curse on BDSM. On the one hand we have the ability to see that we aren’t alone in what we crave. Submissive gentlemen don’t feel as though they are freaks. Folks with fetishes also feel less secluded than they once did because you can go online and see that you’re not the only guy who loves women’s feet with blue nail polish.
But with the sweet comes the bitter. We are impatient people with short attention spans that are getting shorter by the day. We have an unwillingness to dig deeper than page one on Google. And with more people coming in to any genre, more misinformation is spread. When we sprinkle mainstream media in to the mix hyping what a dominatrix does, we get a perfect SHIT storm.
I’m old-school and there are some who think that I need to ‘get with the times’ but I beg to differ. I was trained decades ago by two very intelligent, very professional women how to be a dominatrix. There was no internet. Teaching was done in dungeons and in backrooms. You worked on your craft before EVER seeing a client. You spent time on both sides of the whip. You learned the art of being a Domme. And in my opinion, when done right, it IS art. But this type of learning is fading fast. Women see an article on Vice and think, “hell that’s easy, I can tell a guy he’s a piece of shit,” throw up a website and hang ‘Domme’ over their door. But as you noted, shouting and humiliation are not what make you a Domme.
So the issue we have is, men don’t want to do the research they should in to who they’re connecting with, and the women don’t want to learn the craft of domination and the result is garbage. That doesn’t mean there aren’t good Dommes ‘out there’ but you have to DIG for them. You have to do your research. But men want to just pick, click and stroke their dick.
But despite my gloom and doom there are two ways to look at any situation. Because many men are impatient they like the ‘insta’ Domme. Those are the guys I call, subs of convenience. They are submissive when they have to time for it. It’s not a real thing for them, it’s more schtick or distraction. So they fit in great with the insta-set. Whereas your more traditional Dommes, like me, would rather have the deep loyalty and connection that comes with a relationship. And I can assure you, those who think like I do find that loyal subs are few and far between for the same insta reason. Really you have insta’s on both sides.
There will probably always be beef between Lifestyler’s and Pro’s and insta’s with pretty much everybody. Lifestyler’s will always think theirs is the only way and I get that, I’ve lived all three; lifestyle, pro and online. I’ve seen the distinct differences between them. Believe me when I heard that you could do domination online the concept to me was so weird. How the fuck can you dominate someone over the phone or just by email? But I adapted just like everyone else does. Online will never be my preferred method of domination but it has its perks, it’s just different.
Insta’s will always have a place because there is an entire insta generation coming up. So whether we like it or not they are here to stay. I think the best way to deal with it is to do your homework. Figure out what type of sub you are and choose your Domme accordingly. But we both know that those last two sentences will rarely happen, so men will continue to complain that all Dommes suck when in fact, it’s just cause you boys don’t want to be bothered doing a little work. Welcome to 2018.
For those of you who aren’t clear on what the three different types of Dommes are I’ll explain very briefly here:
Lifestyle Dommes – These ladies make domination their lifestyle. They may have live-in slaves or they may have outcall slaves that come in to do work and leave. There is no money exchanged. If the slave is a live-in then they are provided for in exchange for their servitude. This isn’t a job, it’s just like the name says, it’s their lifestyle.
Pro Dommes – Pro Dommes have made domination their job. They usually work from private or public dungeons and charge for sessions. They may also tour giving sessions in different cities or countries. They may or may not have live in slaves as well.
Online Dommes – Again just as the name says these are Dommes who work primarily online. They charge for their sessions which can include cam, phone or clips.
Insta Dommes – This is a phrase used for women who jump into, usually the online Domme game, and don’t have a clue what they’re doing, have never picked up an instrument of BDSM and usually, but not always, think that being a brat, demanding money, and shouting at their clients is how domination is done. They also tend to be here today and gone tomorrow because they have no desire to learn BDSM they just want the money and when they realize that they have to treat online domination as a business and that it’s actually work they leave for the greener pastures at Walmart.
Now all of these descriptions are NOT exclusive. You will find Pro Dommes who dabble in Lifestyle, you’ll find online Dommes who do a little pro work. Some online Dommes are also Lifestylers so you can get any combination of the above with the exception of Insta Dommes.
In the end, you don’t get what you pay for in most cases but again that will only be because YOU boys didn’t do your homework. Time for a ruler across your….knuckles?
Dr Sue,
Thank You for Your insights. I appreciate Your thoughts regarding lazy “insta-subs”.
If i may add to the conversation: as I read them i am reminded of a couple of conversations i have had with Goddesses, one regarding “McDungeons” in reference to the many commercial dungeons which are staffed by lightly trained “Mistresses” who are in reality simply actresses playing out the fantasies of “insta-subs” but in person as opposed to online. I suppose there is nothing wring with this – simple supply and demand. If there are those who want to pay for that service and others who want to provide it, then who is anyone to criticize. But i really don’t consider that a true D/s scenario.
Add to this, the second conversation I am reminded of which concerns safe words. I was taught by a true Goddess whom i was fortunate to know for a while, that if i (as a sub) used the safe word the session would end. It was my “bail out” option. As an interesting side note, She considered it HER failure if i had to do so, but that is a different topic. More to the point, if a sub is permitted to ask for mercy, use a “traffic light” system or any similar application of safe words, then it is the SUB that is controlling the session. I agree with this approach and would recommend that it be understood and adopted by others. My advice to the insta-subs is that if you truly submit, your experience will be far more exciting and satisfying then if you – even if unintentionally – control your scene by asking for mercy, saying “yellow” or anything of that sort. A far better approach IMHO is proper communication before the session and proper aftercare, especially if you had to “pull the rip cord” and bail out. Pusing limits is great and the above approach encourages really pushing your limits. And if you do need to bail, then understanding why/how you needed to do so can only make a future interaction with your Domme that much better!
My suggestion to “insta-dommes” would be to see Your subs not as clients or customers, but as a beloved pet. Even in a fin-dom scenario, Your sub’s welfare should be of concern to You. If You see him/her as simply someone to be exploited for your own profit then you are not a domme, and are not practicing anything that i would classify as BDSM, but rather simply exploitation. Of course i’ll circle back to my previous comment – if someone wants to buy what you’re selling then who am i to critique it – to each their own. But i hope more people will embrace and enjoy the much deeper levels of satisfaction and pleasure that can be derived from a more sincere approach – for both the D and the s – to exploring any D/s scenario. The primary factor is exchange of power. Everything else is a manifestation of power or lack thereof! If your goal as an insta is to make money, fine, but if you understand and embrace S.S.C. and R.A.C.K., and explore true exchange of power, i suspect you will have a lot more fun, your “clients” will too, and ultimately you’ll probably end up making a lot more money!
For me, ultimately, mutual respect and acceptance for all is paramount so again, to each their own. But I certainly hope that there will be a trend for those who choose to call themselves “dommes” more fully embracing the fundamental concepts.
My 2 cents…..Play safe and have fun!
Very nicely written. For me I am a combination of Lifestyle, Pro-Domme and online Dominatrix. Covering all three of those aspects. I actually like it that way, since it gives me the variants and different interactions.
I am also a BDSM Mentor and Workshop Teacher in real time. Yes, I am very much old school as well. Like you, Sue, trained the traditional way. From the bottom on up
As much shyte as people talk about this, and claim that if you have ever been a submissive, you are not really a Dominant, to me it’s still the best way to learn. It gives us a whole different insight of what our subs and clients needs and experience.
It makes you more safety cautious.
You do have a valid point as well that with a whole new generation of insta subs coming up who neither have the patience or interest in learning how to submit, putting the effort into actually serving, and just want a quick fix, the “Insta-Dommes” are just fine. I call it eye candy with a big mouth and an attitude. A little bit like the School Yard Bullies that make those little boys all hot and bothered.
My take is this… To each their own, but don’t come whining to me after when you get burned, because you were to freaking lazy to do research or learn what it is you are doing.
Reality is this… Both sides can get in a lot of trouble if things go wrong, you get on the wrong person, or you simply have no idea about what BDSM actually is. We dance a fine line between D/s and abuse – verbally, mentally and emotionally
In order to do so safely and stay on the side of Domination / submission, you actually do have the know how, the core understanding, the skills to play it safe and keep your submissives safe as well.
So do as you will, my darlings, but realize this. In the end YOU ARE ACCOUNTABLE for what happens on both sides. There is such a thing as S.S.C. and R.A.C.K. for a reason.
Have a blessed day!