Why are we all so quick to condemn things we don’t understand? Unfortunately tolerance isn’t a human strong point. I’d like to say that all of this will change but I doubt it will in our lifetime.
The problem with society and fetish is clearly ignorance and that can even take place within the fetish community itself. I’ve been to many gatherings that were exclusionary and elitist to that group. Those of you who know me, know I constantly get on my soapbox about not putting everyone and everything in to nice neat little boxes. Life isn’t that perfect or easily defined.
I have clients who worry they’re gay or bi, who the hell cares? Quit labeling yourself and everyone else around you. Even comments on this site can be very one sided. Just because you don’t understand something doesn’t make it wrong.
We as individual human beings cannot possibly keep up with or please everyone else and we spend way too much time trying to do so. Hell most of the trouble people are in financially is because of getting caught up in having the latest, shiniest new toy that the dude next door has or better yet a bigger one. If we can’t tolerate differences in race, sex, lifestyle, religion or anything else for that matter how the hell are you supposed to please society?
Here’s what I tell most people who are concerned about what ‘others’ may think of what they enjoy sexually. STOP IT!! What you do behind closed doors is your business. Will someone else ‘get it’ probably not, so don’t try to beat your head against a wall explaining it. We came here to experience joy and love and happiness and that can be so easily attained if we all just mind our own business.
Now do we have to draw a line in the sand? Yes. Obviously if you’re bliss and your joy affect someone, or something else against their will then you’ve crossed a line. Your sexual fun should never hurt or degrade someone else who isn’t in to it, who isn’t consenting.
Sure there are some of you who enjoy pain being inflicted, humiliation, degradation and other forms of submission similar and that’s AWESOME! Go for it, have a ball and do what you want but if the person having the pain, humiliation or other torture is not enjoying it or it’s being inflicted against their will then it’s wrong. Things such as child pornography or enslavement, beastiality (or zoophilia), human sex slave trafficking are wrong because you are imposing your will against theirs and that’s to say nothing of the morality of it but even that’s subjective.
The point is, instead of thinking ‘that person is totally fucked up because they enjoy being bossed around by a woman,’ just mind your business. If they like it, it’s going to make them a happier person therefore anyone around them is going to benefit. It may not be your bag but it doesn’t make it wrong or in any way deviant.
I have to say that I laugh at this one. Occasionally I will find a link to a mainstream article that talks about Domination, and specifically Financial Domination and I get a kick out of the comments from people that know nothing about it. What I always see is several people, men and women, talking about how the Financial Domme is a horrible person and taking advantage of naive lonely men. Those of us that have participated know that although there is always some of that going on nothing could be farther from the truth. It is between consenting adults and the “submissive” seeks out the Domme.
There is also a double standard when it comes to fantasies. Every year a sexy schoolgirl outfit is one of the top sellers for costumes. Bars across the country all have sexy schoolgirls costume competitions, and one chain of bars uses that outfit as their waitresses uniforms. DO we all run around screaming pedophilia? No.
Soccer moms everywhere have been effected by 50 shades of grey disease as first the book and now movie are being rolled out. The book is now pretty mainstream. I doubt most men can say they have not seen a movie in which they have not been turned on by a female villian… There are plenty of things that women and men are into that other people would think are kinky or strange. If you really look at all of them many are not much odder than another on a surface level.
It’s my opinion that most of the people that leave comments that are negative in one way are another are likely just trying to convince themselves that what they are into is “normal.” It’s like the pastor or priest that gets up on the pulpit and speaks about the evil of homosexuality and ends up on the news being caught in a public restroom engaged in sex with another man.
Frankly, I think one of the oddest sexually fantasy in my mind is the one in which a man and a woman have missionary position sex purely for the function of producing offspring and refuse to admit getting any sexual enjoyment out of it….
If only we could all heed those words, the world really would be a better place. It really is silly that we actually get upset at what other people do in their own lives, or worry about what others think of us. Unfortunately, it’s also human nature; the fear of being ostracized and banished from the tribe, facing imminent death without group protection. It’s been instilled in us over hundreds of thousands of years, so you’re right that it won’t change in our lifetime.
I do appreciate your insights and accepting attitudes though, Dr. Sue. I have my own hang ups but reading your articles often makes me feel better.