When you begin to dip your toe in the waters of being sexually dominant it can feel really weird. For some of us it can feel almost humiliating. That’s a weird turn of events I know but when you don’t quite know what you’re doing or what’s expected of you it’s natural to feel like Bambi just learning to walk. You’ll be skittish and paranoid because when it comes to your new-found role in the bedroom that’s exactly what you are, a baby fawn just learning to stand. You’ll feel a bit wobbly but eventually you’ll be running through the forest of fetish like a badass doe.
You may have heard the phrase, “fake it til you make it,” and nothing could be truer when it comes to confidence. Confidence is a state of mind. Or better yet it’s a frame of mind. It’s a state that you can get yourself in to. A feeling that you can conjure up whenever you need it.
There’s a reason why sports teams get together prior to a game or match and build themselves up verbally to a crescendo. It builds confidence and energy. And until you reach the point where you know that you are an amazing, sexy woman with an enormous amount of power you can fool yourself in to feeling it.
A belief is simply a thought that we think over and over again until it’s true to our own minds. It doesn’t make it factually true but we believe it is. God is a great example of a belief. Many people believe in God. What religion you are is of no importance. What you call God is of no importance. But most people believe that there is a higher power of some kind. We have no physical evidence of God. We only have a belief that a God exists. We hope God exists. But even though people who believe in God don’t have that physical evidence of Him they believe He’s there nonetheless.
The same is true of anything you want to change in your own mind. If you say it over and over again and add to that a feeling of accomplishing what you’re trying to change or the end result, we create a new belief. This is what I do with hypnosis and why hypnosis is so powerful. It’s doing what I just described but sliding it past your conscious mind in to your subconscious mind and moving the process along faster because you bypass the clutter the conscious mind throws in the way. But that’s essentially what hypnosis is and why it’s effective and the cool thing is you can use similar techniques with your own confidence.
The only way I learned how to properly play with a cat-o-nine tails or a violet wand was to get in there and do it. And the same thing is true for you when you play at home. You won’t feel confident with your toys of choice until you play with them and go a little too far. And when you’re a pro-domme that little too far is different for every client. Fortunately your only client is your partner.
It’s the dominant’s job to push and pull to see where their sub’s limits are because many don’t know. So don’t get caught up in having to wield a whip with perfect finesse and just start slapping softly and increase from there. And that’s true of any toy, start out slow and soft. So take the pressure of having to be perfect right off the table. You aren’t in the business of domination. You aren’t charging your spouse for their session, (although that can be a kink you can consider playing with later). The whole point of exploring your dominant side is to have fun, it’s not meant to stress you out. If you find yourself stressing or feeling anxious it means you’re in your head too much and you need to close your eyes and take a deep breath and put a smile on your face because I can assure you in that moment your face will be showing your stress. The act of smiling will break that thought process. There’s no such thing as perfect.
So how do you get yourself in to a confident frame of mind?
With visualization. You begin by remembering a time in your life when you felt really confident. It doesn’t matter when that was or what you were feeling confident over. Even if it was a fifth grade science fair where you knew you’d aced first place. Or when you stood up to a bully and won. Close your eyes and go back to that time. What did it feel like? How did it feel in your body? What was your posture in that moment? What did your face look like? Put your body in to that posture right now. Feel yourself back in that moment. Feel the confidence you had in that moment, flowing through your body in this moment. Feel the invincibility and power. When you really feel that power running through you, touch your thumb to your middle finger. Practice doing this at different times throughout your day. Practice getting in to this state then touching your thumb to your middle finger.
Now if by chance you have never felt confident a day in your life you can still do this. You don’t have to go by a memory you can create the feeling using your imagination. The subconscious mind doesn’t know fantasy from reality or memory from imagination. And we can use this to our advantage. So when you close your eyes and go through the visualization I want you to imagine what it would feel like being unstoppably confident. What would that feel like? Ask yourself the same questions I asked of those who have the memory of feeling confident just re-phrase them. Eg. What would your posture be in that moment? Get yourself to feel what you think it would be like to be super confident and when you do put your thumb and middle finger together. Do this several times a day.
What this is called is anchoring and it’s a type of hypnosis (or self-hypnosis in this case) called NLP or neuro linguistic programming. What will happen is by practicing this over and over you will be able to recall this feeling of intense confidence when you need it simply by putting your thumb and middle finger together. This same technique can be used very effectively to do things like curb cravings to help you lose weight or any time you want to create a feeling in any given moment such as confidence or calmness if you’re fighting anxiety.
Dominance is about feeling your power and until you really do feel your power you can always conjure it up when you need it. But I can promise you the more you play in your new, sexy role the easier it will be to feel your power and your confidence will soar.
What do you think? Let me know below:
FLR lifestyle is like the strongest drugs for women. Once you taste it, there’s no turning back. I am not an exception. Everything has gradually become better, for me and for him.
Very nice article Doc. it also doesn’t hurt to have a good Fetish community that you can get involved in and that does regular workshops to those looking into anything of a fetish nature. but being a guy in some ways it’s different but at the same time it’s not. all depends on which side of the flogger you want to be on.
True Bill but in this case most of these women don’t want to have anything to do with ‘the scene.’ People playing at home dont necessarily even need to go to local munch’s etc. They just need some common sense and direction without having to go deep in to something they may already find scary.