Pat, a long time contributor to The Review, always asks the most insightful questions and once again he’s hit on a really good subject; is female domination a sham? (And I’m never offended when you guys write your questions to me. There is no such thing as a bad question.)
So I have a question for you. Please don’t be offended as a dominant woman, but I have to ask…
Is female dominance a sham? It seems that there aren’t many w
omen who are truly dominant. Deep down they all want to be dominated by a man who is more dominant than
themselves. I see it on blogs, social media, and now Fetlife.
Women call themselves dominant and then say the will bow down for an alpha male or any male, it seems, with a huge cock. As a sub, this is rather disappointing. I actually lose some respect for her as a Domme when I hear that. It feels like she is pretending.
You don’t see this with dominant men. Unless they are stated switches, which few are, they don’t say they are dominant, “except for the right alpha female – I’ll be her bitch!” It doesn’t happen.
This will piss off the feminists but maybe women are simply the naturally submissive sex. They dominate men they see as weaker than themselves because they hold them in contempt for not being “real men.” But these women aren’t truly dominant. Cuckolding is based on this very attitude.
What’s the deal with closeted submissive, dominant women? Why don’t they just identify as submissive? It cheats any submissive man she gets involved with when he thinks he’s getting an alpha female. It’s so disappointing to find out the bold and brazing ice queen really just wants to find someone who can make her submit.
This is a BRILLIANT subject! Thank you, Pat, for asking.
I agree with all of Pat’s observations. Where the confusion comes in with the entire subject is, there is no such thing as a 100% dominant or submissive individual.
Sexuality in all its forms will always be a gray area simply because we are all so beautifully unique.
When it comes to domination and submission the same uniqueness applies. There is no person on this earth in physical form who is 100% dominant. Given the right circumstances and the right people, even the most dominant of humans will submit and vice versa.
As I’ve said many times, we do not fit into nice, neat little boxes with labels. Life would bemuch easier if we could do that but it would most certainly be incredibly dull.
Think of everything you are as being like a sound mixing board. Depending on the situation, the circumstances and people involved and your own mood you may have your slides dialed down to more submissive behavior or up to more dominant behavior.
Now I understand your disappointment Pat but no matter what the sexual situation, it’s all in your perspective.
Where this comes in to play quite often is in cuckolding.
For example, a couple decides to try out this type of lifestyle and they invite a ‘bull’ into their bedroom. In this situation you want your bull to be dominant and this allows a woman’s submissive side to be met with the bull. But the minute that sex act is over a dominant woman will return to being what she identifies as dominant. So she’s not going to say she’s submissive when she’s actually not. That’s why I try to make the distinction whenever I’m talking to someone about being SEXUALLY submissive. You may be dominant all day long but when it comes to sex you’re submissive.
In the case of cuckolding the submissive cuckold doesn’t look at his wife sexually submitting and getting properly fucked as a bad thing. He gets turned on by the fact that she’s submissive to this guy but not him. This is what I mean by perspective.
I have been cuckolding my boyfriend for over 20 years now. I have absolutely no contempt for submissive men at all. I would much rather spend my time with a submissive male than an alpha one. I don’t look down on my boyfriend because he enjoys watching me have sex with another man. It’s just his kink and I benefit from that kink. It’s a win-win.
I always tell women who want to get into Domination that if you hate men DON’T get into sex work. I think what you’ve been subject to are the women who hop into domination thinking they’ll make a quick buck, have no idea what they’re doing because they aren’t dominant and don’t bother to learn the craft. And there are a LOT of them.
Now, that said, if I were to pay a Domme either online or in real time and she was submissive or wanted to have sex with you, yeah I’d be pissed because I’m paying for a service. The problem with the internet is that although it connects us more to people who share our ideas, it also means that you’re subject to watered down information and services, some of which are wretched.
I beg to differ on your point about alpha males not submitting to alpha females. I’ve had many ‘alpha’ males beg to serve me. Like you said, it can be disappointing when I want that guy to be alpha and he collapses to his knees. But I don’t then say that all alpha males are full of shit because of a few that submit. Many alpha males are very dominant and bend to no one but it’s arrogant to say that you would never bend to anyone because you don’t know that for sure.
The argument that all women are submissive is again only partially true. I believe we still live in a Puritan society. We still raise our female children to be good little submissive girls and our boys to be big, strapping alpha males. But that said I’ve noticed this starting to change. More families are allowing their children to just be whoever they want to be without stereotyping them from the start. Women in their 20’s now are much more dominant and sure of themselves. Where you never used to hear of women enjoying one-night-stands, it’s now no big deal. So to be honest I think you’ll find more women being naturally dominant because they’re starting to break out of the stereotypical roles.
I understand your frustration Pat and you’re absolutely right. It CAN be very discouraging to want to experience an Ice Queen and you end up getting a snow flake but it really is all in how you look at it or at least frame it in your mind. So is female dominance a sham? Some of it will be yes, but a good sub can sniff out a real Domme/Dom and vice versa. You just have to sometimes go through some garbage to find a rare gem.
What are your thoughts? Is female dominance a sham? Sound off below.
It seems to me that 95-99% of “dominant males” are all bluff and bluster anyway, and often care very little for the pleasure of the Woman they are fucking. They are self-centered and single minded, often aggressive, but I wouldn’t call them “dominant”. Do We really want that in bed? It’s a rare occasion that I want a male to do what “he” wants with me, but rather, I want him to do what I want with me. If he can’t handle that, I don’t need him. If he’s too much like a girl, I’ll send him on his way (when I want to be a Woman, I just simply do that).
I think Miss Foxx has a great point. Wanting sex from a skilled, well-hung man doesn’t make a woman submissive, secretly or otherwise. I would, in fact, argue that repressing her sexual desires for such things makes her more submissive.
Like Dr. Sue said, sub men who try to be dominant eventually end up crumbling in front of a dominant woman, so in order for us to get any enjoyment from a sexual situation, our partners have to be at least somewhat dominant as well. That doesn’t mean we let them collar Us or call them sir, it just means We want someone on Our level in the bedroom.
Thank you and I agree with you. I think people over complicate things. Just because a strong man can bring out submission in us, doesn’t make us submissive.
Subs see us as a fantasy and they fail to realise we are human beings with sexual urges too.
So if we can’t fuck dominant men, then who are we supposed to fuck? Subs? Honestly.
The mistake is this. You don’t have to be submissive to want a strong man with a big cock. Don’t get it twisted. Most of us Dominant Women want a man who can handle us. And they have to be dominant. Anything else is substandard. Simple.
Good points, Dr Sue. I understand that the situation matters. I also switch depending on the situation. If you date in the vanilla world, as a man, you have to take the lead in almost everything. So, when it comes to femdom I just want a break from that. I assumed that that’s why women come to the femdom scene as well. That’s why I feel cheated by a dominant woman who looks down on submissive men.
Secondly, If you have a dominant side and a sub side, great! Go indulge your sub side with a dominant man. But if you come to the table as a domme, don’t complain that the submissive man, who was honest about what he is, is somehow “substandard.” It’s the same as a sub topping from the bottom.
In conclusion, if a submissive man isn’t good enough for you then why even approach him? I don’t understand what these women are looking for.
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@ Miss Foxx…
“So if we can’t fuck dominant men, then who are we supposed to fuck? Subs? Honestly”
That’s not a rebuttal. You just illustrated my point.
“Most of us Dominant Women want a man who can handle us. And they have to be dominant. Anything else is substandard. Simple.”
Well, as a sub, I want a dominant woman. Anything else is substandard. Simple.
You don’t need breaks from being dominant if you actually are dominant. Stop switching and just be submissive if that’s what you are, the world has had enough of experimental poseurs and their false acquired tastes. Though I must say I doubt you’re a genuine sub. You’ve played the dominant role before. If you enjoyed it instead of settling for it out of a lack of other options, you’re not a submissive. Context doesn’t matter because sexuality is NOT fluid or situational. I hope you have realized the BDSM community’s party line and the liberal PoMo dogma surrounding sexuality has never been anything but bullshit. I’m an actual 100% dominant female who would never willingly or happily submit to anyone and never wanted to, so I know these dommes are fake as fuck and you are absolutely right. 99.999% of the time, femdom is a sham.