by guest blogger: Mistress Kiara
How many times have We as Dommes been approached with this very phrase? No introduction, not even a discussion of fetish likes & hard limits. Just, “Hey, stranger, wanna OWN me!?” From someone who has real-time BDSM experience, that’s just not how this works.
Ownership is something very powerful and very personal in the BDSM world, and that doesn’t seem to have translated into this world of online/distance Domination. In a lifestyle D/s relationship, Ownership is a symbol of dedication and trust. It is, of course, unique for each and every BDSM relationship out there, but a simple way to put it is that it is the BDSM equivalent to marriage. A prevailing theme throughout the BDSM world is that Ownership is the sub’s way of giving up his free agency and committing himself to one Domme. In turn, that Domme offers him Her protection, trust, safety, and stability.
I’ve been a professional Dominatrix since 2005, and I only consider 2 of My subs to be Owned by Me. Am I picky? Probably. But I learned about Ownership in lifestyle BDSM before I ever became an online Domme, so the idea of Ownership is very special to Me.
When a sub asks Me if I want to Own him, so much goes through My mind. It’s more than just “Do we share the same fetishes?” When a sub is Owned by Me, I want them to be everything for Me and for themselves, both in the fetish world and in My vanilla world.
For starters, and this is probably a hot take, but the ideal sub for Me knows that their health and well-being comes first. If you can’t take care of you, then you can’t take care of Me. This includes taking care of your health (mental AND physical), your work, your family, your bills, etc. If I’m grooming you for Ownership, then you’re not just some toy I’m going to play with and throw away. I need to know that you’re not going to bail on Me because you can’t take care of your vanilla life AND serve Me at the same time…
Next on the list comes your Mistress. I want a sub who makes Me feel like I am at the #2 spot on their list, but probably not 100% in the way you’re thinking. I don’t want to feel like a vending machine where you put in money and fetish/kink play comes out. I want to feel that you see Me as an actual person. I want to know that you care about Me, not just the femdom services I offer, and not just the idea of the ‘ideal Domme’ that you’ve created in your head and stuck My face on.
For Me, it’s not ALL about the money. I have subs who send $100s or even $1000s in a sitting and then I have subs who only send $50 every few months. It’s about making Me feel like I am a priority to you, that I am important to you beyond just the fetishy & kinky fun sessions we have. I want to be able to say, “hey, this thing happened in My real life, and it’s not hot or kinky or sexy but it’s making Me feel a certain way,” and know that you will respond in a way that shows that you care about Me. Say something that shows that we don’t always have to be “on,” and that you understand I am a human being with a life that doesn’t revolve around being a Domme 24/7/365. I need to know that you won’t just be weirded out that I have a vanilla life that isn’t 100% perfect ALL the time, and that I sometimes need to talk about it.
I also want to have a connection with My subs. you don’t obviously have to like what I like (who like cats and horror movies as much as Me anyway?), but at least respect it. Showing an interest in My likes goes a long way. Showing a willingness to learn about new things, even just silly hobbies I enjoy, that’s what I expect from My Owned subs. And then I want them to create their own opinion on it based on their own thoughts and experiences as well as My input. I don’t just want them to regurgitate what I think back to Me. I could write a computer program if that’s what I wanted.
Since I want to have a connection with My Owned subs, I want them to have a brain. I don’t feel connections with furniture, so prove to Me that you have substance. That means it’s not all “My way or the highway” – I WANT to hear well thought out dissenting opinions, and I want you to feel safe to voice them! I don’t want you to feel like you can’t disagree with Me or can’t make known your desires and, of course, limits.
Communication is another HUGE need for Me when it comes to considering a sub for Ownership. I expect to hear from My Owned subs at least once per week. If they are going to be out of commission, then I expect them to tell Me ahead of time if possible. If not, I expect an explanation as soon as they are able to contact Me and provide one.
Last but certainly not least, I want to feel that My subs are willing to grow and change with my guidance. If your goal is to see Me as your Owner, then how are you putting effort into making My life better? If I see some potential in you or a skill you have that can be developed with My guidance, are you willing to accept My tutelage?
If you are My Owned sub, I want to feel that you are happy and PROUD to serve Me. I want you to also feel like you have Me in your corner if you ever need someone, and that you will do the same for Me. I want to feel that you think about Me often, even in your vanilla life. I’m not talking about skipping out on responsibilities to fap; I mean more like how when I see a cool new video edit, I think ‘oh, davros would LOVE this!’ Above all, I want to feel like this relationship is mutually beneficial to BOTH of us (Domme and sub).
About Mistress Kiara: Mistress Kiara has been a femdom Mistress both online and in real-time since 2005. You can find Mistress Kiara on Niteflirt, Twitter and NOW Mistress Kiara has an erotica short story on Amazon: The Transformation Pt 1 GET YOUR COPY NOW!