If youâve ever had the words fake, flakey or just plain not submissive used by a Dominant to describe your behavior then you probably want to read this. Iâll address this to men because I honestly donât see this happening in the Femme-sub world.
I see a lot of behavior both in my job as a therapist and in my job as a Domme that is so NOT submissive behavior that I feel the need to clarify a rather un-clear subject as best as I can.
As Iâve taught you guys so many times we are all both Dominant and submissive. Yes ALL of us. Even the most Dominant of persons can be 
submissive depending on the situation and vice versa. Â What I think seems to be the issue with the whole D & s subject is what I just stated. We are all BOTH.
Hereâs an example. Say youâre a guy who loves womenâs feet, loves to lick them, suck them and go crazy on them. Thatâs great but does it make you a submissive male? No. It means you have a foot fetish. It means that in that moment that you are adoring a ladyâs feet you may just be submissive, however does that mean you are then a 100% submissive male? No. Â Just means that with the right pair of feet youâre submissive. Done.
Too many of you boys who proclaim yourselves to be submissive really arenât. A fully submissive male is submissive to the female ALL the time. They feel that way ALL the time. Not just around her feet. They actually are only happy when they are of SERVICE to a strong female. If she gives a command he readily jumps at the chance to make her happy. The best way to describe this would be compersion. (âCompersion is an empathetic state of happiness and joy experienced when another individual experiences happiness and joy.â Wikipedia) If you ever balk at, cringe or even feel the slightest bit of refusal at that command youâre not a fully submissive male. But hereâs the thing, THATâS OKAY!
Because we are all both D & s no one should be expecting you to be 100% one way or the other. It will always depend on the situation. Where the conflict comes in is when you put yourself âout there,â meaning the D & s world as a submissive and youâre not really that submissive then it leads to misunderstandings, hurt feelings and anger on the part of the Dominant.
If we go back to our example guy, he loves a strong womanâs feet, feels submissive when in the presence of those feet then just say youâre submissive for feet, thatâs it. Donât tell everyone youâre a submissive who wants to SERVE A WOMAN because thatâs not who you are. You can tell her you love her feet, feel weak for her feet thatâs all good but to turn around and say I want to be submissive all day every day to a strong woman and do whatever she commands me to do is WRONG. This is where the communication is going awry.
If you love a womanâs feet but when she gives you the command to drop to your knees and you think, âfuck you bitch Iâll drop when I feel like it,â youâre not submissive you have a fetish for womenâs feet. Thatâs it. Are you getting this?
I think too many men who have fetishes think that they are automatically slave material and this is the issue weâre having in this community. This is also where we get a lot of what I call âDomme Hoppingâ behavior. Guys who jump from Domme to Domme to Domme thinking the next one will somehow make everything work. Youâre looking for something that doesnât exist. Youâre not completely submissive so therefore find the one woman whoâs feet you desire; again using our example guy, donât put yourself out there as a slave or as completely submissive if youâre not and certainly donât profess to serve a woman if you donât want to or just feel submissive for a few minutes to get your rocks off. Â This is where Dommes get pissed. You say to them âOh Goddess you are the greatest most wonderful woman in this world and Iâm here to serve you in any way,â then go talk up another Domme and profess to serve them the same way when all the while you donât really feel this way. You THINK YOU SHOULD feel this way.
Itâs this all or nothing society we live in that brings forth this mentality of  if you profess to be submissive you think you need to be 100% submissive 24/7 and to be honest there are not a lot of men who are this way.  But you do need to be honest with the Domme youâre conversing with. Try this instead, âGoddess I truly love and would like to worship your feet.â Just be more specific and stop trying to be something youâre not. Itâs okay to be only slightly or specifically submissive.
It all comes down to communication and an understanding of yourself. If you feel you ARE the 100% submissive guy who wants to serve a woman no matter what she asks of you, GREAT put yourself out there as such. If you just like a particular fetish such as feet, nylons, spanking or any other of the millions of fetishes out there, then just SAY SO but donât say youâre are a slave, say youâre a slave to _____. I think youâll find this will end any nastiness you might be receiving.
Why most of submissive guys have foot fetish? Are they connected?
There is no why. It just is. There will always be something that is preferred no matter what you’re measuring. So in the case of fetish, feet comes in first. There is no reason for it, it just is.
Am i submissive or foot fetishist? I get aroused by imagining girl humiliating me, treating me like dog, making me rub her feet, lick her shoes, slapping me. But i get attracted to girl only if she has nice feet. So am i sub or foot fetishist?
Submissive with a foot fetish.
If a person is submissive with foot fetish. Then tell me which out of foll is true.
(1) Does this mean that foot fetish is bonus ? I.e he can enjoy other degrading/humiliating acts as well as degradation at feet.
(2)Foot fetish is restriction on him? I.e he can be submissive only if girl has beautiful feet,otherwise not.
1) Yes you can enjoy other humiliating things if you choose to do so. Nothing is set in stone. This is your life, you can do what you want to do with it.
2) No the fetish to feet is not mutually exclusive. You can be submissive in other ways beyond feet.
If i can enjoy other things as well, then why beauty of feet of girl matters a lot for me? I feel attracted towards girl only if she has pretty feet, otherwise not. Why is this so?
Personal preference. It’s just what you enjoy. Some men like women with blonde hair. Some men like women with big boobs. No different than that. You have a foot fetish and you love a pair of pretty feet. A foot fetish is the most common of all the fetishes to have.
People who are submissive with foot fetish, do they “get” foot fetish due to their submissiveness or are they born with both foot fefish and submissiveness?
Fetishes are born pre-adolescent so when you’re quite young. No you aren’t born with fetishes. And having a fetish does not mean you’re submissive. You can have a fetish and just be a fetishist.
This article is spot on. I have no issue owning the fact that I’m a hedonist and a bit of a fetishist who enjoys the submissive role (most times, some people bring out my Dominant side, but that is rare).
For me, it all comes down to having kinky, sexy fun. It’s not a lifestyle for me, I don’t drink the Kool-Aid, and while I’m more than happy to dive mentally into some interesting areas, it’s fantasy. Actually, it’s a mommy issue that got sexualized, but whatever eh?
Truth is, I don’t get it. The “true” sub thing. I got a selfish streak and at the end of the day it’s got to be fun for me too, or I lose interest. I get that is some people, and I think it;s great that we all have that variety. But, it’s play for me, nothing more. And I’m good with that.
It is really annoying to see some of these males get so twisted about their fetish that they are just plain annoying. It makes it really hard to be in the middle of the road, like I am. I’m a great play partner, but I’m not doing a lifestyle thing. I just cannot take myself that seriously. And I’m direct, respectful and I pretty much keep it low key if I do approach someone.
And I’m no fan of the Dommes that drink too much of their own Kool-Aid. Far too much of the Femdom fashion and idealization is driven by male fantasy. I simply do not find that attractive. For me, a lady who is herself, expresses herself as she is and is dominant is far more sensual than the porn domme look.
Great points about honest and communication, and I’ll only say that it most definitely a two-way street.
This is how I try to keep a realistic balance. My subs are not allowed to say, “I can’t.” They are allowed to ask, “May I please…” if they feel they are unable to fulfill My wish completely or immediately. 99% of the time I will grant their begging with a positive response. They have shown respect and humility. The remaining 1% of the time is when I do not think My command has any room for delay or derivation. I deal with those situations as needed at the time. Too many times add up to dismissal. I really hate to do that.
You don’t see it happening with female submissives? Wanna bet? Fake, flakey and not submissive is not only synonymous with men. Women can be these things too.
I have to disagree with you as you’re only stating things in black and white absolutes. As a submissive I will lick your boots, rub your shoulders, fetch you a drink, wash your diushes, if and when you tell me to. Tell me to cut my dick off though, and I’m going to refuse. So are you saying that even though I do 99% of the things I’m ordered too, because I refuse that 1 thing that is a hard limit, I’ve just lost my sub cred?
And I’ve seen plenty of female subs get told they’re not a true sub because they won’t give a blowjob to the first manly dom that orders them. It’s a form of abuse, guilting, making the sub (male or female) feel inferior (in a bad way) for not giving the dom what they want. A good dom will have the welfare of their sub in mind (pohysical, mental and emotional) and will respect thier hard limits.
I understand what you’re saying about being honest about what you are and what you’re offering. Communication is definatly key to a happy D/s scene or relationship. I wholeheartedly agree.
Wormee, OK…so that’s an extreme example…cutting off your dick for your Mistress. I wouldn’t even say that in jest to a sub. If that were the case then running away would be the proper response. But let Me ask you this…say your Owner asks for a compromising picture that you don’t want to comply with. Do you answer “No I won’t.” or “I can’t.”? My opinion is that would be an incorrect response. “Please don’t make Me do that.” is much more suitable. From there a dialogue will ensue. How’s that sit with you?
Semantics – ‘won’t, ‘can’t’, ‘please don’t’ all the same thing.
The sub is telling you that this is not going to happen.
You can interpret ‘please’ as showing the ‘respect and humility’ that feeds your need for domination, but the message is the same – you’ve gone too far, forget it!
Ding, ding, ding!!! We have a Winner, or a few wieners in some cases. All joking aside, there is a big difference between being a fetish boy and a submissive. Two very different motivations and outlooks. Nothing wrong with either of them, but honesty really is the key here.
Nothing gets me angrier than when I sense (and yes boys I do sense it) you are lying your asses off to me. Honesty is one of the cornerstones of BDSM and Communication is one of the other ones. When you fail on those two already, you really have no place in my world. Rather be honest with me and let me decide if I wish to deal with you on a pay to play base. You may just find me in the mood to have a little fun on your dime and give you the opportunity to melt away under the heat of my power.
Lie to me and you’ll find out just how quickly I can hit block and delete.
Good advice and common sense here. As in any relationship, you have to decide if you’re all-in, or just looking for a good time. Either way is fine if you’re honest about it.
In defense of confused males though, this all or nothing attitude is often expected of them by others in the community. “You’re not a true submissive” is often hurled as a challenge to his pride or worthiness as a sub. Being a bedroom bottom or fetishist is often portrayed as something sleazy and disrespectful of the lifestyle. I know not everyone thinks that, but it would help to have more advice like this – that whatever you are is okay.
Hi Pat đ Absolutely agree. Being a fan and immersing yourself into a temporary fantasy is just fine. Being an owned sub is of course better…more fulfilling. Unfortunately there are plenty of guys out there that are not true submissives and try to top from the bottom. That is where the problem lies. This irritating circumstance causes Me to make mistakes sometimes. Wasting My time trying to break down an unwilling subject…that came to Me mind you…and then taking My frustration out on a real sub that made a minor misstep. Not fair to anyone. Moral of the story is this, be truthful to yourself then you can be truthful to a Mistress. I like my fans but I love My subbies đ
Hi Princess Sheridan,
I know some posers ruin it for everyone. There actually are those that aren’t subs in any fashion. I’m wondering why they do it. If you’re not submissive then why would you want to even top from the bottom? Why not just top from the top instead? I don’t get it.
Good question Pat,
I wish I had a definitive answer but I don’t think there is just one absolute concerning this subject. I think “Topping From The Bottom” would make a fantastic issue to explore all by itself. (What do you think Dr. Sue?) It ranges between guys that truly believe they are submissive but are passive aggressive and just into the kink of it all and those who are purposely deceitful. They believe that topping a Domme is the ultimate feather in their cap. The only way to accomplish the latter is to pretend to be a sub. Otherwise a Domme would not be interested to start with. That’s the dilemma that Dommes face and inexperienced subs can suffer from. An earnest newbie, finally getting up the nerve to approach a Domme, unfortunately stumbles upon a pissed off Goddess that wasted a lot of time and effort on a fake sub. The Domme sees the inexperience of the new sub as a signal of being a “time waster” right on the heels of a bad sub/Domme experience. As a result his first experience is terrible and confusing and he thinks this is what it’s like all the time. The newbie runs away, never to return. The biggest victim of fake subs are the real subs in My opinion. But even the great and powerful Dr. Sue has fallen victim to the multitude of asswipe dickhead phony subs out there and threw Her lovely arms in the air exclaiming, “I give up!” But She didn’t of course. The reason being that the real submissives make this so much fun and rewarding. I believe I have painted this with a very wide brush though and it needs to be examined further.
Hi Princess Sheridan,
I’m a newbie in all this and was wondering about whether i am truly a Sub. I stumbled upon this article and have read it through twice now but i am still unsure if I am a true Sub. I am really into women’s feet and I want to lick them, suck them massage them, the whole deal. But trying to experience that fetish here in Australia is near on impossible for a guy like me. Which is why i turned to seeking a Mistress.My Foot Fetish coupled with my terrible ability to meet women has got me thinking about this lifestyle. Is there any information or pointers you can give me that may help me figure it all out?
I also agree completely with u doctorsue & Queen kitty đ I served my exowner with all heart and loyalty đ I serve her with loyalty till end đ after our Mistress/sub relationship ended I make it clear that I will not serve anyone else becoz I release that I
Am not a sub material đ I am glad that I keeping my words till now đ everyone do Mistakes but it important not to repeat same mistake and learn from ur Mistake đ
I agree completely, when a sub does this he is lying to himself and the Domme and that can only end badly. Before committing to something, before confessing your undying love, servitude and loyalty for that Domme, before writing checks your ass can’t cash…..REALLY think long and hard if you are a sub with a fetish or sub who can handle a real life of servitude.
If your servitude comes from your fetish you are likely a sub with a fetish.
If your fetish comes from servitude then you are likely slave material.
The most important thing is to be honest and open with your Domme, do not tell her things you don’t really mean just because you think it is what you are supposed to say. If it takes your cock getting hard for you to submit then you probably aren’t a real slave but a submissive with a fetish. and yes that is ok. what is wrong and what will hurt you and others is when you portray yourself as something you aren’t.And if you don’t know then maybe you should try a trial run before developing commitments that you can’t keep.