If you’ve ever had the words fake, flakey or just plain not submissive used by a Dominant to describe your behavior then you probably want to read this. I’ll address this to men because I honestly don’t see this happening in the Femme-sub world.
I see a lot of behavior both in my job as a therapist and in my job as a Domme that is so NOT submissive behavior that I feel the need to clarify a rather un-clear subject as best as I can.
As I’ve taught you guys so many times we are all both Dominant and submissive. Yes ALL of us. Even the most Dominant of persons can be 
submissive depending on the situation and vice versa. What I think seems to be the issue with the whole D & s subject is what I just stated. We are all BOTH.
Here’s an example. Say you’re a guy who loves women’s feet, loves to lick them, suck them and go crazy on them. That’s great but does it make you a submissive male? No. It means you have a foot fetish. It means that in that moment that you are adoring a lady’s feet you may just be submissive, however does that mean you are then a 100% submissive male? No. Just means that with the right pair of feet you’re submissive. Done.
Too many of you boys who proclaim yourselves to be submissive really aren’t. A fully submissive male is submissive to the female ALL the time. They feel that way ALL the time. Not just around her feet. They actually are only happy when they are of SERVICE to a strong female. If she gives a command he readily jumps at the chance to make her happy. The best way to describe this would be compersion. (“Compersion is an empathetic state of happiness and joy experienced when another individual experiences happiness and joy.” Wikipedia) If you ever balk at, cringe or even feel the slightest bit of refusal at that command you’re not a fully submissive male. But here’s the thing, THAT’S OKAY!
Because we are all both D & s no one should be expecting you to be 100% one way or the other. It will always depend on the situation. Where the conflict comes in is when you put yourself ‘out there,’ meaning the D & s world as a submissive and you’re not really that submissive then it leads to misunderstandings, hurt feelings and anger on the part of the Dominant.
If we go back to our example guy, he loves a strong woman’s feet, feels submissive when in the presence of those feet then just say you’re submissive for feet, that’s it. Don’t tell everyone you’re a submissive who wants to SERVE A WOMAN because that’s not who you are. You can tell her you love her feet, feel weak for her feet that’s all good but to turn around and say I want to be submissive all day every day to a strong woman and do whatever she commands me to do is WRONG. This is where the communication is going awry.
If you love a woman’s feet but when she gives you the command to drop to your knees and you think, “fuck you bitch I’ll drop when I feel like it,” you’re not submissive you have a fetish for women’s feet. That’s it. Are you getting this?
I think too many men who have fetishes think that they are automatically slave material and this is the issue we’re having in this community. This is also where we get a lot of what I call “Domme Hopping” behavior. Guys who jump from Domme to Domme to Domme thinking the next one will somehow make everything work. You’re looking for something that doesn’t exist. You’re not completely submissive so therefore find the one woman who’s feet you desire; again using our example guy, don’t put yourself out there as a slave or as completely submissive if you’re not and certainly don’t profess to serve a woman if you don’t want to or just feel submissive for a few minutes to get your rocks off. This is where Dommes get pissed. You say to them “Oh Goddess you are the greatest most wonderful woman in this world and I’m here to serve you in any way,” then go talk up another Domme and profess to serve them the same way when all the while you don’t really feel this way. You THINK YOU SHOULD feel this way.
It’s this all or nothing society we live in that brings forth this mentality of if you profess to be submissive you think you need to be 100% submissive 24/7 and to be honest there are not a lot of men who are this way. But you do need to be honest with the Domme you’re conversing with. Try this instead, “Goddess I truly love and would like to worship your feet.” Just be more specific and stop trying to be something you’re not. It’s okay to be only slightly or specifically submissive.
It all comes down to communication and an understanding of yourself. If you feel you ARE the 100% submissive guy who wants to serve a woman no matter what she asks of you, GREAT put yourself out there as such. If you just like a particular fetish such as feet, nylons, spanking or any other of the millions of fetishes out there, then just SAY SO but don’t say you’re are a slave, say you’re a slave to _____. I think you’ll find this will end any nastiness you might be receiving.
Thank you for writing this.
I’m a switch who used to lean submissive, but in the past couple of years let my Dominant side roam free (and ended up preferring it).
I’ve been trying to put my finger on exactly what this is, and you hit the nail on the head. I was having issues with a LOT of “Domme Hopping” subs recently, and wondering wtf the deal was.
Then, it clicked. They’re not submissive, just a hobbyist or a fetishist. The difference between the two is big.
Thank you SOOO much for clarifying this! I get SO annoyed with these men who have no clue what ‘submissive’ really is!
Thank you, Dr Sue, for discussing all these topics and articulating fundamentals. I need this but have never taken the time to learn and reflect. I have always wanted “to sub” but am I “sub.” What you write about being both sub and dom resonates with my thoughts lately and fits with the principal that we have both masculine and feminine traits. Others write that Dommes don’t want a sub without personality, without a self. What you write makes me think that Dommes or Doms also need to consider what kind of sub they can mesh with. Thank you for offering guidance through our journeys.
It took me a little while to submit, but it didn’t last too long after that. At first, it was all really about my fetish (erotic hypnosis), I drove my Goddess crazy with requests and She had just about had enough of me and told me I was not submissive and left me. I kept pursuing and blessed that She had enough patience to train me. It took a while; it was not only my fetish but my language, my planning, and taking into account my Goddess in every aspect. It was a difficult transition for me as I initially thought I was already submissive; I wasn’t even close. My Goddess finally broke me into submission, I fell in love with Her and would send, buy, tribute, surprise Her, always think how I can better myself to serve my Goddess each and every day. The exchange was terrific. My Goddess was feeling the strength of my submission, and I felt the force of Her glowing power. Her confidence was gleaming from Her every cell. The thrill of selflessly serving my Goddess was better than having sex, better than my initial fetish; She was my fetish, my number one and my only number, nobody else but my Goddess mattered. I felt truly owned and entirely belonging to Her for at least four months out of the ten we were together. It all changed in one day, My dad passed away, he was ill for a long time, slowly deteriorating and when he passed, I lost my submissive urge, unable to communicate my emotions and did the one thing my true Goddess loathed the most, I ghosted Her. Like a rat, I ghosted Her, and now it’s over. Thank you Dr Sue, your article has merit.
Respect…
It’s me again. I’ve realized that I can maintain a submissive mindset and serve a Domme for about two months. After that, I tend to lose that mindset and often end up ghosting the Domme. For some Dommes, I’ve been honest about my diminished desire to serve and that I need a break. However, with those I admit this to, I usually don’t return.
With the Dommes I’ve ghosted, I might come back after a few weeks to try to reconnect and piece things back together. I find it puzzling why I am wired this way.
Now you see why we keep you in chastity.
I think this is good information but I do get satisfaction from making somebody else happy. I will do whatever I can do to please the person I care about.
dont know or I am sub , its just exiting to read a bout teamviewer and dream about it