Can a woman respect a sexually submissive partner? I get asked this quite often by men who are contemplating cuckolding and more specifically sucking cock in front of their partner. Don asked this recently in our comment section and the answer isn’t really easy and comes down to not only your definition of respect, but also a ton of variables.
So let’s break this down. In the broad scheme of things the answer is yes, of course she will respect you in every way possible, except sexually. However you can’t ask her to respect you sexually it doesn’t work if you have a Dominant/submissive relationship and I’m going on the premise that you do or at least want one such as a cuckold relationship.
As the man that I love and care for and want to spend my life with of course I will respect you. In some cases as the father of my children I will respect you. As the sole or part provider for our home I will respect you. As a human being I will respect you. But in the bedroom, when you’re on your knees and you’re sucking my bull’s cock the only thing I respect is that you’re being a good little bitch and doing what you’re told.
Now let’s look at it from the submissive’s perspective. In the bedroom, when you’re being my bitch, you don’t want me to respect you. That defeats the purpose of our relationship. In this room, it’s not about me respecting you, it’s about you respecting me. That’s the double-edged sword you walk in these situations and why I always say you have to have a very strong foundation in your relationship before you engage in any kind of kink play because if you don’t have good communication and that solid foundation it will all crumble.
And let’s not forget the variables I spoke of earlier such as how much D/s is in the relationship. Does it bleed in to your daily lives or does it remain behind bedroom doors? The more hardcore you integrate D/s in to your relationship outside of the bedroom the less respect there will be in the day-to-day activities. If your dominant wife is handling all the money and/or making all the money she’s less likely to respect you regarding money. See what I mean? It’s quite individual.
When it comes to cuckolding I would rather see you have a loving relationship that is equal in every way except in the areas you don’t want it equal. I’ve found the fear of a lack of respect comes from a fear of your own submission; that somehow she won’t see you as a man. But what does it matter if she sees you as Krusty the Klown as long as you’re happy and getting your sexual needs met? The key is to stop getting caught up in societal ideals of what a man should or shouldn’t be. If you enjoy her not respecting you in ANY way who cares? It’s like the old song Use Me by Bill Withers, “and I wanna spread the news that if it feels this good getting used, Oh you just keep on using me, until you use me up.”
Reading some comments, I start to notice a pattern here. My wife became more dominant in the bedroom, and then outside, after watching her mother chin me during an argument.
Chin you as in holding your chin?
Sounds like it might be her knuckling his chin.
Yes, she grabbed my chin and spoke to me with our faces inches apart.
Some of this happened to me: long story short, we went to a party and she ended up being fucked against a wall by a random man in front of me. I just stood there and watched. She then became more dominant in the bedroom and told me she still loves me but can’t look at me the same way again.
Because she was waiting for you to stop it. When you didn’t, you showed her you don’t care.
In fact, at some point she locked eyes with me while moaning, but I couldn’t believe my eyes.
My wife and a girlfriend of hers were having a “my man can beat up yours” debate, so they had me and her husband fighting in trunks in front of them.
It was a one-sided “ground and pound” match with some grappling and a “not in the face” rule, where I was the loser. The most humiliating thing was my wife stopped cheering half-battle, at one point when my opponent was on top, clearly overpowering me. She just looked astonished in silence while the other woman kept encouraging her husband to “destroy me”. There was also a bit of arousal in her face, and I must admit I was aroused, too. For one moment I thought she will start rooting for him.
I had to give up, and her girlfriend teased me, calling me a wimp, to which my wife just reacted by smiling sheepishly.
Women: how would you feel if your man lost a fight in front of you and the other man´s wife/girlfriend?
If he lost “in a very one-sided way”, as you say, I would feel ashamed.
My wife and my stepdaughter did the same with my stepson in law and me.
I lost. And my wife became more dominant during intercourse afterwards.
Can’t unsee what you see Harry.
It was very humilliating if that´s what you mean.
Did she took her dominance outside the bedroom, too?
Gee golly don’t know if she done took her dominance outside the bedroom Pa! So what if she did?
She did. She even started ordering me around in public. Same with my stepdaughter.
They clearly lost respect for you, then.
They clearly lost respect for you.
What’s with women pitting their men against each other in such a sexually charged way?
I was wondering the same. I found this article after having a similar experience with my wife and sister in law, and I wanted to know if this has happened to someone else.
For some women it’s to see what you’re made of. I didn’t know it was ‘a thing’.
So, if you loose loose, they loose respect for you?
They will never respect you if you LOSE (not Loose), period. To watch your husband lose in a fight is embarrassing.
And what happened to “stop getting caught up by society ideals of what a man should be”?
And that still holds true, and I try to teach that but unfortunately there is this thing called competition, and you can’t get past that. Women want a verile male who they know will protect them. If you can’t beat your way out of a wet paper bag then I always suggest just don’t get into situations where you are competing that way. Don’t get sucked into “fights”. Because if you can’t fight it’ll show and she’ll be disappointed. That’s just life. It’s why raising kids with no competition is a huge disservice to the kids. Life is a competition whether you like it or not. Women are judging you, it’s part of life. Women choose and men take what they can get. Fairness isn’t in play here unless you live on another planet.
I dumped my ex for cheating on me. Then, one day, I found her at a romance spa and initiated sexual contact.
I tried to tell myself I was hatefucking her, destroying her, showing her what she is missing for being a whore, but the more she moaned, the less I believed it. I couldn´t help thinking I was rewarding her infidelity instead of punishing it, so I asked her, while we were fucking, if she thought I´m pathetic for pleasuring her after that, and she outright said “Yes”, between moans.
She kept trash-talking and I kept pounding into her. At one point she called me a wittol, and had an orgasm. I came inside her a few minutes later.
What a lovely small dicked moron you are.
Do you think I shouldn’t have asked her?
I thnk you’re a smalled dicked pig. Hate fucking her? Just accept the fact that like most men you have a small dick and she wasn’t satisfied. And if you can’t handle the truth, don’t ask the question.
Yes, Ma’am, I know. I couldn’t help getting aroused by her response. I started fucking her harder when she said that. The more she trash-talked, the more she aroused me. It was intoxicating. Do you think she saw this as a further reward of her infidelity?
No it was further proof she needed to know she made the right decision. You showed just how weak you are.
I’m afraid you are right, Ma’am. I wanted to cum over her body as a display of dominance but I couldn’t bring myself to do it and ended up cumming inside her, as she wanted to. What would have you done in her place?
I would never have let your repugnant little penis anywhere near me.
HI Dr. Sue,
One point that you made that I do not totally understand is how is the cuck sucking the bull’s cock a form or respecting the wife? I must assume the cuckoldress wants him to do this and he “respects” her by complying? Thanks for any insight you can provide!
She can respect her sub, but as you said, it would defeat the purpose. It’s more of a “should she?” rather than “can she?” matter. It all depends on the situation. If her partner is mostly a bottom (I say bottom when I mean that a person is submissive on few “little” things) then she can respect him. If he’s a cuckold that’s showing deference to her and her dominant partner then she shouldn’t respect him. He is supposed to be lower in hierarchy.
I beg to differ in a cuckold situation it’s even MORE important in a cuckold relationship for her to maintain the respect she has for her husband otherwise the relationship will fall apart. The bull is not a replacement for the husband.
I meant during the scene.
Cuckolding isn’t ‘a scene,’ it’s a lifestyle. More specifically it’s a female led relationship when done right. But if you have no respect for your partner you no longer have a relationship therefore you are no longer cuckolding.
The cuck couple in the respect aspect. The bull is just a life support system for a cock. The dom/sub share in the experience and both can reap the benefit of a sub or role reversal. Seeing the pleasure in each other’s enthusiasm verbally and physically is a huge rush.
Agree with this and it really all depends on the two individuals involved in the relationship in what they want out of it. For me I know she respects my opinions , cares for me , and values what I bring to her. But when it comes to kinks , yes I know I’m her bitch and that’s what I want. To fulfill her desires of dominance over me. The feelings of submission to her is one of the greatest I have come to love in the relationship I have.
The other point that Dr. Sue brings up is communication. That is the key to any relationship. Pure open communication between each other. Get rid of the filters , put your ego aside and truly listen to what the other person is saying and try to understand it from their point of view. Tough to do to put your feelings aside and not take it personally but if you can it opens up the relationship to really feel that connection you have.
I would want to be respected all the time. I would want her to respect me 100% of the time. I have a fetish or a fantasy where a sexy woman dresses me up in her sexy lingerie in detail and make love. If we both loved each other and trusted/respected each other a lot, I’d share the fantasy with her, where I’d want her to dress me up and we have the httest vanilla sex and I’d be her pretty girl for that night. But IF she lost respect me becuase of that fantasy, I’d never consider doing it with her. I’d rather break up with her rather than be disrespected by her or anyone.
(finding this site a month after this article was written)
If I post further comments on any article here, please note that unless I’m citing a source, it’s just my opinion. That one-time preamble out of the way …
There seem to be two dynamics at work here, respect and love.
As an aside, I’m leaving aside consideration of cuckoldry, because for me that sort of rejection in favor of someone else would be the death of a relationship. I have serious issues with rejection.
In a healthy relationship, respect is a, like other positive aspects, a given. Like every other aspect, it is also fluid and anything but unconditional.
If, for example, Jane burns the roast, George will still love her, though his assessment of her cooking prowess might be negative. But it goes beyond actual talent and skill. If Jane is a saucier, one in a line of great sauciers, George might not care if he has a visceral antipathy toward sauce-heavy dishes. Rather than an objective assessment, it is actual respect for his wife’s cooking which is lacking, _despite her skill therein_.
Taking another example, it is probable that Mrs Spacely loves her husband despite foibles of his personality. Her assessment of his social and personal faults notwithstanding, she loves her man. Now if Mr Spacely revealed to his wife that through intuition, his innate creativity and deft fingers, he has developed a technique involving analingus and manual stimulation to get her off, she might not respect that, again regardless of how objectively impressive his skill may be.
George might be thinking, “OMG, will she please stop with the Cajun sauces!” Mrs Spacely might be thinking, “OMG, I don’t want him to tongue-kiss my ass!” Both would be well advised to sit down with their spouses, tell them honestly how they feel and tell them to stop.
Now if we lived in a society where, for the sake of this argument, sauces are considered inherently inferior to other sorts of foods, and those who specialize therein, regardless of personal talent and developed skill, are considered deficient for wanting to create sauces in the first place, then Jane’s ego would probably take a serious hit from such a talk, necessary thought it would be. She would wonder if George would still respect her for her deviance.
Whether Jane’s deviance is genetic or learned, we will leave to the reader to decide.
Now for the sake of the multitude of other facets to their relationship – and in consideration for the well-being of little Elroy and Judy, it might be considered best for everyone if Jane put away her saucepans and started making roasts like normal, respectable women are supposed to do.
As I know from sad experience, having someone love you and being married to them is far better than indulging in something one’s partner finds abhorrent.
As to whether submission or dominance is intrinsically respectable or disreputable, i know from being both a follower and a leader in the military that both are necessary, that one is useless without the other. I also know that it is disastrous to make someone lead – or follow – who does not want to.
Which brings us back into the bedroom. In our society, and despite the attempts of media and other didactic groups to deny this, these same groups tell us that men are intended to be dominant, that only dominant men should be considered successful, and that if one makes ones own society’s men less overtly dominant, then the dominant men of other societies will move in and supplant them.
It’s a good perspective, one which has ensured the survival of those fittest to survive, and – more importantly for us today – kept us savages from being supplanted by the other savages from down the road.
And so too in the bedroom, men are taught that they are dominant, and that they’d be best advised not to reveal that they would like a woman to be in charge of them, to follow her and worship her as the truly wonderful being which she is. Women are correspondingly taught that they are submissive, that however dominant they want to play at being, they’d be best advised to pick the alpha male to belong to.
Not because a man being submissive is inherently less worthy of respect in whatever aspect this submissive perspective should arise, but because that’s they way the rest of the world works. I’m not sure what I’m saying except that Dr Sue is right, and that – in this case – that is not good news.
Jade I LOVE the Jetson’s metaphor!! It’s wonderful to see such a prolific comment. Thank you for taking the time to write it for us!
How is it possible to not respect me as a man, but respect me as a person, Dr. Sue? The two are inexplicably tied together. My maleness and my personhood are one and the same. This is a mistake that most submissive males make. You cannot be a worthy person and an unworthy man. No amount of compartmentalization will work here. To be truly submissive one must cast aside any misconceptions of worth or value at any level. You are a submissive, weak, insignificant. you have no worth as anything. Your Mistress defines your worth. A submissive male is not a man. He is not a person . He is a slave.an object. A thing.
Stan, what makes you think that any woman would get satisfaction from dominating someone that had no worth? Why bother? If you have no value then what could you possibly offer anyone?
I imagine a dominant woman would get much more satisfaction from bringing an educated, well dressed/spoken CEO to heel instead of an over-weight and unemployed alcoholic wearing checkered boxers and a wife beater.
You need therapy before you indulge in any D/s play.
To be fair to Stan. I have had private discussions with him and he has a legitimate reason for his feelings. He’s not just another whining male. I will not get in to it here of course because it was private but I understand his emotional responses. Everyone has a story behind their reactions. Love you Pat!
Indeed, Dr Sue. Everyone’s feelings are legitimate, just as everyone has value. My comment wasn’t meant to demean Stan. i was trying to shift his thinking out of the “sub male = worthless loser” mentality – for his sake. I was challenging his belief that he’s worthless.
Sorry if it may have sounded aggressive but this paradigm does irritate me to no end. I wish I could reach through the computer screen and grab these sub males and shake them and say “Wake up!”
No worries. I get it!
Hey, I know this is a really old conversation … so I guess I’m just writing this for me.
My take: The mind is an unfathomable organ. When it comes to sex, it’s pretty much the only organ that counts. It turns me on big time to be disrespected … humiliated … told I’m inadequate and yes, worthless. Why? I don’t know, does it matter? I also live another life. Kids, great work and love my life. Why? I don’t know, does it matter? Point is, we simply are who we are and it’s okay.
I agree. Some behaviors and beliefs are damaging. But who is to say which? Someone with a decade of book learning and a bunch of fancy letters after their name? Someone with a boatload of life experience, which, at best, amounts to an incredibly small slice of human experience? I’m not saying we can’t help each other but rather that it’s soooo myopic to believe we know what’s best for others when we barely understand ourselves.
First, do no harm. Everything after that gets messy.
John Q
The convo never gets old John so thank you for contributing. I just did a show on Humiliation and I would have to say that although you are 90% correct in your view. One does have to be careful about the underlying reasons for degradation.
Of course. There’s a difference between fantasy kink that, IMO, is a gift of of our primal evolution and damaging behaviors driven by an underlying emotional pathology.
I guess, if two (or more) people can delve deeply into a shared altered state of erotic reality, and then laugh about it after … that’s a great thing.
Note: It isn’t just dominants who worry about such things. As a submissive who gets off on “the evil therapist” game, I also need to know that my partner isn’t feeling guilt over playing the perpetrator role.