The first thing you need not do is panic or jump to conclusions. Having a fetish or a chronic sexual issue doesn’t make your partner a sexual deviant. Unfortunately our society is still very skittish when it comes to sexual expression. I say it’s unfortunate because I know that if everyone were left to their own devices and providing simple, logical and common sense rules are followed there is no reason why we can’t be more sexually expressive and be very healthy human beings.
That being said you’re probably sitting there thinking, ‘I don’t care about society, I care about my relationship with this guy who is obviously not who I thought he was.’ The first thing I would suggest you do is read my article on what a fetish is and how it originates and you can do that here. If you’ve already read it we’ll go on…
Knowing that a fetish is simply a set of circumstances that came together at the precise right moment in time usually as a pre-adolescent, I want you to understand that for that reason this isn’t something your partner sat down and chose and if it was something they were truly okay with themselves they’d be singing it from the rooftops and not care what others think.
There’s a certain amount of shame that comes with these feelings so if you discovered this on your own through evidence around the house then you can understand why he’s been secretive. It’s got nothing to do with him doing something wrong he just doesn’t know how to tell you. And let’s be honest, if he sat down and told you it probably wouldn’t have gone well. So here are some steps I would take when you discover this or he’s led you to this post because he’s too chicken to tell you himself. 🙂
- Educate yourself instead of jumping to horrific conclusions. You’ll find most fetishes involve the male being submissive and this can prove to be a big plus in your life if you learn about it and use it, which is what he wants you to do anyway.
- Sit down and discuss it with him AFTER you’ve done some research. This does not mean you sit down and spend 3 hours chastising him. Keep a cool head and learn from him. Every single person who has a particular fetish will have their own subtle (and sometimes not so subtle) nuances that they enjoy that won’t be in any research you’ve done.
- After you’ve done your homework and you’ve talked to him NOW do your thinking. Is this something that you might be able to work with? Are you willing to give up on the relationship because of a small sexual issue? Remember fetishes are usually not a big deal. We’re the only ones who make them a big deal so do some serious thinking before you trash a perfectly good guy over something like this especially since as I said before, most of what you’ll find is submissive behavior and that’s very easy to work with.
Try to keep in mind that a fetish isn’t a reflection of you or your relationship. Don’t take it personally which we women tend to do. ‘What did I do wrong?’ ‘Maybe if I’d been a better lover.’ These feelings were there way before you came along I can assure you. As soon as you start thinking, ‘who is this guy?’ you’re mind will be happy to fill in those blanks and give you all sorts of negative and usually unfounded thoughts.
My suggestion is always to try to work with the fetish and not against it because the more you push against something the bigger it gets. And if you really need more help you can always contact me and I’d be happy to shed more light on it for you. Just don’t throw in the towel too quickly, you’ll be pleasantly surprised at what a little knowledge and patience will do for YOU!
Hi Dr.Sue!
i want to ack you something about my fetish in bed. I am not married yet but i am about to. I have a fetish of roleplay, Dominating, and handcuff but i am not sure if I will be able to fulfill my fetish with my partner.
The thing is i belong to a country where fetishes are considered taboo. I dont have a relationship in my entire life and the marriage is going to be an arrange marriage. I think if i tell my partner about these fetishes of mine this will scare her and cause disturbance in out relationship but i cant just let go my kinks. i want to try them with my wife
what should i do. I am soo confused about this please enlighten me about this issue.!!
Thanks for your time
Regards: Danial
Danial,
I think that if you’re in India, you are in a pickle. There are many men such as yourself who cannot express themselves because they live under strict patriarchal/religious rule. You can in NO WAY show that you are a weak male despite how you may feel.
You could try to discuss it with the woman you are going to be married to ahead of the marriage. It’s best that she understands what you enjoy and more importantly why. This is going to be your partner in life so it’s best to start out with no lies.
You are simply a man who enjoys being submissive. Nothing more. It doesn’t take away from your manhood. It doesn’t mean anything religiously. I wouldn’t just tell her EVERYTHING you enjoy but tell her that there are time you would like her to take some charge in the bedroom and only in the bedroom. Nothing crazy, no whips or anything. Just some simple light bondage. And you can start by showing her what you want by demonstrating it on her. Provided you can even be together ahead of the marriage.
If you cannot. You can tell her you have some interesting sexual ideas that are not in the norm. But that they are all about her being your Queen. No woman will ever freak about that. If you make it all about her, it could be just fine. And really, if you’re submissive, it SHOULD be all about HER.
Wish I could edit my lousy single finger texting on my phone, or at least do a better job proofreading. If you need me to I’ll make corrections, but I hope you can understand my meaning in context of my overall message!
Check your inbox or spam Sue I have replied to you via email.
I just found evidence of my husband’s fetish. He’s never said anything. I’m at a loss. We’ve been together 7 years. I’m trying to understand if I’ve missed this for 7 yrs or is this new or has he been pushing these feelings down. I’ve been up for days studying the psychology of fetishes and trying to understand. He has no idea I know and this is not something I can just openly discuss with him.
Of course it is Michelle. If you can’t discuss this with him, who can you discuss it with? This is the person you have chosen to spend the rest of your life with. Your partner in crime, your best friend. If you leave this as unspoken, that will build resentment which will eventually destroy your marriage. Just talk to him openly about it and let him know you care.
My ex husband has a fetish… One I tried to understand and explore with him, but as the years went by I realized that me being open minded about it just wanst enough for him… As I read your article I cant help but wonder if these individuals realize what this kinks do their partners. If you have a fetish, thats fine, but dont drag others down that rabbit hole with you. Dont get married and dont have children. You’ll just end up hurting them in the long run.
You’re absolutely right Phoebe. I’m sorry you didn’t have a good go of it. Fetish should never be the entire focus of a relationship. And it sounds as though your ex had some further issues with possibly addiction to it.
My husband has a fetish. He wants to be submissive to a very strong dominant male. I don’t even know where to start! We have been married for 5 years, together for 6. Is there a way for us to correspond without having to put all of my personal stuff on here?
Thank you!
Chrissy
I emailed you Chrissy, check your spam.
My husband has a female muscle fetish. It’s significant. I found out on accident when I opened the wrong drawer. It was FILLED with dvds and video cassettes. His laptop is filled with gigabytes of this stuff. He has paid memberships to websites. The whole deal.
A few years ago, on my birthday, he was out of town shd had a “session” with a female bodybuilder. I found out. Iwas devastated. He begged and pleaded with me. Swore he loved me. We separated for a while. And eventually I forgave him. Fast forward. We’re married with a kid.
He rarely initiates sex with me. Many nights I go to bed alone while he’s up “working.” Only he’s looking at muscle. I wake up in the middle of the night. He’s looking at it.
Before the baby I would engage in some play with him. It was only moderately enjoyable. But if it helped keep his focus on us, I was willing. Post baby I have zero desire for wrestle play. No energy. So now the insecurity and resentment is setting in. He looks at this shit multiple times a day. He claims he’s not masturbating every time. I don’t believe him. We go several wks without intimacy. I hate feeling like this. Like I don’t match up. Like I’m not his real type. Like I have to muster the energy just to engage in play so he will ‘want’ me.
He promised me he would never do a session again. But once the pandemic is gone I have no idea what he will try and do if I don’t resume wrestle play.
I need guidance. Processing all this as a new mom is stressing me the f**k out. He is a great dad and we have this new home, but this resentment and feelings of self-doubt and like I am not desireable are wearing down on me.
Tried emailing you Sarah but your email is no good. I’m happy to talk to you about all of this if you want just hit contact and send me an email.
As the wife of a man that has a latex fetish along with being a crossdresser , you must think long and hard if living with a fetish is something you can do because he will continue to do what bothers you and guarentee you will get hurt over and over..
My husband hid his fetishes from me for years and I accidentally found out when I was pregnant with our first child.. ( deception # 1)
I had to decide what do…walk away from our newly purchased home and raise the child alone or accept the fetish..
Well I chose the latter…
I spent years trying to be supportive but it was strained because his interest in sex with me dwindled unless I was willing to play dress up ( deception # 2 ) because he swore the fetish would never take over the bedroom)
I asked if he ever slept with other men…his answer was no…well I later found pictures on our computer of him engaged in sex with another man while cross dressing ( deception # 3) even though I believe it was before we met.
Deception # 4 came when I found a profile he had on a gay mans dating site , he always swore he was not interested in other men !!
Deception # 5 came when I was looking for something and found new condoms ( we have unfilled sex maybe 8x a year and don’t use condoms because I had my tubes tied )
I confronted him and he said he used them as part of his fantasy and masturbates with them on…
This seems to be a circle we run…He hurts me and I am forced to forgive him just so I can hold our family together because outside of the low desire to engage in sex with me and the fetish issues…he is a perfect father , provider , friend
My self worth has plummeted and I’ve isolated myself all because I thought I could live with it…
Erica, thank you for sharing your story. I’m sorry you’re going through this. In no way are his actions a reflection of you or anything you’ve done wrong. He has broken the trust you had for him time and again by lying. This now has nothing to do with his fetish and everything to do with his respect, or the lack thereof of you.
This man is continuing to put you in physical harm with his sexual activities and because of his lying (I refuse to fancy what he’s doing up to ‘deception’) he has made you a part of that fetish by exposing you to whatever he’s doing with other men. And I wouldn’t trust that he’s even using condoms with these boys.
I will challenge you this, you are in no way helping your children by indulging his activities and turning a blind eye to them. Your children are not stupid and are perfectly capable of seeing discord between the two of you. Trying to ‘hold your family together’ is impossible with the amount of lying this man is doing.
He is not respecting you as a woman, a wife, or as a human being at this point. In my opinion, you need to pull the plug on this relationship so you can find some peace and let him live his life the way he wants. This will not get better. He will not change and YOU DESERVE BETTER!
Let him be that perfect father and friend from a distance, because that doesn’t excuse his EXTREME DISRESPECT of you and your relationship.
Hi Dr sue,
I’m a newly wed and a few weeks after getting married I discovered my husband has a pregnancy fetish. One night I woke up to him sitting in the corner of our bed on his phone it was very late so I asked him what he was doing he said he was looking up new music something he does a lot hes a big music fanatic and is always waiting for new albums to release however something didnt feel right. So I asked to see his phone. He has a secure folder that I thought only contained sexy picture of him and I being intimate so I asked him to open it. He was hesitant but eventually opened it and there I found pictures of my pregnant best friend. I was so dumbfounded and shocked I didnt know what to say. He is not friends with her on any social media these pictures were some she sent to me as I am the God mother to be for this baby. Along with pictures of her there was also pictures of a pregnant female rapper. I had no idea what to think. Initially he did say he likes to masturbate to them but quickly changed his response by saying he likes to look at them because he thinks motherhood is an amazing journey. But I dont see then why hide them in a secure folder. We had a long 3 day argument over this. He claims to love me and claims he doesnt want our marriage to end. I tried to move forward but I cant help but feel some disgust towards him.. 2 of my sister in laws and 1 cousin have babys on the way and I feel like I cant bring him around them with out fearing hes having some sexual fantasies about them. My friend ship with my best friend has also been affect I know it’s not her fault shes living her life and starting a family but I cant bring myself to continue our friend again with the same fear that my husband will go behind my back to steal her photos from my phone. He has lied to me in the past he has cheated on be fore we even entertained the idea of marriage. We worked through all of that an i believed we were on a path for a better relationship and were ready to take that step into marriage. Now i cant help but feel I’m married to a stranger. I cant even go out with him in public with out feeling like hes eye fucking every pregnant girl he sees. Just last night i found some more pictures. I love this man hes an amazing provider he works so hard for us and I do believe he does loves me but this fetish is something I’m having a hard time dealing with. He claims it’s nothing. Hes a doting and he claims this fetish stems from not knowing his birth mother but after so many secrets and lies I cant help but feel like hes just saying stuff so I that I can be okay with it. Please help me
Have spent years and thousands of dollars in an effort to deal with my sexual obsessions. I have swallowed thousands of pills, sought out dozens of therapists, attended hundreds of meetings to confront the sexual obsessions whose gestation began with my molestation by the parish priest. There has only been short periods of relieve from these obsessions that have cost me a great deal in interpersonal relationships, career, money and peace of mind. Two wives, estranged children lost jobs, strained relationships and broken promises. my advice to the young woman is her husband will never stop from acting on these obsessions. While he may be able to refrain from physically engaging in them, the abstinence will be short lived. emotionally and mentally they will haunt his thoughts. they are likely to be his first thoughts in the morning and his last thoughts at night. If his obsessions are something you cannot incorporate in to your shared life, regrettably, it is best that you take your child and leave.
I have been struggling for almost 2 years now with my bf”s obsession with cock, specifically large cocks. Almost 2 years ago I was using his laptop to upload my resume when I accidentally hit photos instead of documents and discovered massive amounts of pics of cocks, and 3 photos of him sucking cock. He lied and said it was only one guy… said it would never happen again etc. At that time we were just friends with benefits for a year. A few months later we got pregnant and began a “real” relationship. Several months later my intuition lead me to believe that he was still sacking cock on the side. And I was right. I found a posting on Craigslist written by him. I was 7 months pregnant. After that, we had many talks and more and more of the truth came out. He claims he isn’t gay or bi, he just likes to look at huge cocks and enjoys sucking them, the bigger the better. He denies any sexualities abuse as a child but I feel like he is hiding it or doesn’t remember. Aside from that I know that he and his friends used to play a game where whoever lost had to sucks the others cock, usually an older boy…he was maybe 7. Later in life he sucked cock for money before he came to america. He is russian. It wasn’t until just before he met me that he began to obsess over cocks and sucks them. Many months after working on our relationship and trying to build trust again, we decided to have a threesome with another man so we could both suck his cock. We did it a few times and enjoyed it but I began to feel insecure because every weekend he was suggesting we do it. Then I noticed that he watched porn very often… almost always huge cocks, monster cocks, gagging on big cocks. Now, he has a normal size cock, 6.5 in, and since he came to America he got a complex about cock size feeling inadequate,and fantasizing about having a bigger cock, wanting surgery one day. I love his size, in fact I hate any cock over 7 inches for I must have a small vagina. I love to worship his cock. He has felt better, but still wants a bigger one, one day. My point is, that he says he will never cheat on me again like that, that no that we have experienced it together he doesn’t crave sucking cock and more and the few times he does, he uses porn and that’s enough. I feel like he is lying. He watches cock porn on average 2 times a week and rarely if ever watches any other kind besides huge cocks or she males with huge cocks. I want to role play and he said he would watch some porn to inspire him, but he watched only one or 2 and the other 28 videos were of BBC or monster cocks. I feel like his obsession with cocks is still present, will never go away, and if he continues to watch only big cock porn that it will lead to him cheating on me, if he hasn’t already (I don’t think he has but I worry). I was feeling comfortable for a while, but now I am concerned that his porn watching habits are unhealthy and will lead to him sucking more cock behind my back. I told him I don’t care, as long as I know, but if I am lied, cheated and betrayed like that again, I will end the relationship for good. I am trying to be understanding and supportive but lately my insecuritit’s are getting the best of me and we have been fighting off and on directly and indirectly about it. I don’t want to lose him. I need to know if his habits with porn can and are damaging and how to cope with his cock fetish better than I have been. I like the three some but fear that doing it frequently is going to lead to him wanting only that, since he already showed me that what he wanted to do almost every weekend before. His porn habits are watching on average 30 videos of huge cocks over a span of a hour (give or take) and he has cut down on porn but still watches porn roughly 2 times a week. Is that excessive? Is it a concern that he only watches big cock porn? Thank you for your time.
Hey Sarah,
I’m sorry you’re going through this. Normally I would say that this is just normal male big cock awe but in your bf’s case it’s very excessive. Whether he was abused as a child doesn’t really matter at this point his behavior is excessive. He may honestly think that he can walk away from this obsession but the truth is if he’s still watching that much big cock porn it’s not going to go away. As long as he indulges in this type of fantasy it will continue to drive him and you crazy. It sounds to me like he needs counselling about a sexual addiction at this point and I think you should get him to see a sexual addiction specialist. You have gone above and beyond trying to accomodate his kink so don’t think for one minute you’ve done anything wrong. You definitely have NOT! He needs to realize that he now has much bigger issues and needs to address them with a professional that he can trust. I would also suggest if you want this relationship to continue that you also see the same addiction counselor as a couple. You both need coping strategies and ways to deal with not just his addiction but with your insecurity of the relationship. It’s not that you are wrong feeling the way you do, again you’re not, but if you want to move past all of this and build a strong foundation you need to address the trust issues you’re having. If he refuses to seek any kind of help then YOU need to re-evaluate what you’re willing to live with because as you suspect, I do also, he’s still out there sucking cock. It’s like any other addiction, it’s easy to say “I’ll just walk away and not do this anymore,” but in practice it’s much, much harder without some help.