The Dr Sue Review — Page 29 — Straight Talk on Twisted Subjects

Domme Differences

Tom wrote this in an email:

Beyond the difference between lifestyle and pro domination, there seems to me to be an ever growing rift between what i would consider “real” domination and the approach of so many insta-dommes making vids and doing on line “domination”, who seem to think that being a bitch with a whip and being rude is what it means to be a Domme. I’d love to see an article (if there isn’t one already) on this topic. My experience with some amazing Dommes included concepts such as mutual respect and the way a Domme craves Her sub’s devotion and submission just as much as he craves Her power and dominance. Ideas such as these and the Domme actually caring about Her sub, or that that D/s is about total exchange of power and not disrespect (just to name a couple) seem to be totally abstract concepts to so many of the “instas”. If You agree then I’d love to know Your thoughts and/or see a new article on the topic!

TY Dr Sue

Respectfully,

tom

You’ve picked up on a very contentious subject Tom and you are absolutely RIGHT!

There has been a slow and steady deterioration of Femme Domme as a whole primarily due to the internet. The internet has been both a blessing and a curse on BDSM. On the one hand we have the ability to see that we aren’t alone in what we crave. Submissive gentlemen don’t feel as though they are freaks. Folks with fetishes also feel less secluded than they once did because you can go online and see that you’re not the only guy who loves women’s feet with blue nail polish.

But with the sweet comes the bitter. We are impatient people with short attention spans that are getting shorter by the day. We have an unwillingness to dig deeper than page one on Google. And with more people coming in to any genre, more misinformation is spread. When we sprinkle mainstream media in to the mix hyping what a dominatrix does, we get a perfect SHIT storm.

I’m old-school and there are some who think that I need to ‘get with the times’ but I beg to differ. I was trained decades ago by two very intelligent, very professional women how to be a dominatrix. There was no internet. Teaching was done in dungeons and in backrooms. You worked on your craft before EVER seeing a client. You spent time on both sides of the whip. You learned the art of being a Domme. And in my opinion, when done right, it IS art. But this type of learning is fading fast. Women see an article on Vice and think, “hell that’s easy, I can tell a guy he’s a piece of shit,” throw up a website and hang ‘Domme’ over their door. But as you noted, shouting and humiliation are not what make you a Domme.

So the issue we have is, men don’t want to do the research they should in to who they’re connecting with, and the women don’t want to learn the craft of domination and the result is garbage. That doesn’t mean there aren’t good Dommes ‘out there’ but you have to DIG for them. You have to do your research. But men want to just pick, click and stroke their dick.

But despite my gloom and doom there are two ways to look at any situation. Because many men are impatient they like the ‘insta’ Domme. Those are the guys I call, subs of convenience. They are submissive when they have to time for it. It’s not a real thing for them, it’s more schtick or distraction. So they fit in great with the insta-set. Whereas your more traditional Dommes, like me, would rather have the deep loyalty and connection that comes with a relationship. And I can assure you, those who think like I do find that loyal subs are few and far between for the same insta reason. Really you have insta’s on both sides.

There will probably always be beef between Lifestyler’s and Pro’s and insta’s with pretty much everybody. Lifestyler’s will always think theirs is the only way and I get that, I’ve lived all three; lifestyle, pro and online. I’ve seen the distinct differences between them. Believe me when I heard that you could do domination online the concept to me was so weird. How the fuck can you dominate someone over the phone or just by email? But I adapted just like everyone else does. Online will never be my preferred method of domination but it has its perks, it’s just different.

Insta’s will always have a place because there is an entire insta generation coming up. So whether we like it or not they are here to stay. I think the best way to deal with it is to do your homework. Figure out what type of sub you are and choose your Domme accordingly. But we both know that those last two sentences will rarely happen, so men will continue to complain that all Dommes suck when in fact, it’s just cause you boys don’t want to be bothered doing a little work. Welcome to 2018.

For those of you who aren’t clear on what the three different types of Dommes are I’ll explain very briefly here:

Lifestyle Dommes – These ladies make domination their lifestyle. They may have live-in slaves or they may have outcall slaves that come in to do work and leave. There is no money exchanged. If the slave is a live-in then they are provided for in exchange for their servitude. This isn’t a job, it’s just like the name says, it’s their lifestyle.

Pro Dommes – Pro Dommes have made domination their job. They usually work from private or public dungeons and charge for sessions. They may also tour giving sessions in different cities or countries. They may or may not have live in slaves as well.

Online Dommes – Again just as the name says these are Dommes who work primarily online. They charge for their sessions which can include cam, phone or clips.

Insta Dommes – This is a phrase used for women who jump into, usually the online Domme game, and don’t have a clue what they’re doing, have never picked up an instrument of BDSM and usually, but not always, think that being a brat, demanding money, and shouting at their clients is how domination is done. They also tend to be here today and gone tomorrow because they have no desire to learn BDSM they just want the money and when they realize that they have to treat online domination as a business and that it’s actually work they leave for the greener pastures at Walmart.

Now all of these descriptions are NOT exclusive. You will find Pro Dommes who dabble in Lifestyle, you’ll find online Dommes who do a little pro work. Some online Dommes are also Lifestylers so you can get any combination of the above with the exception of Insta Dommes.

In the end, you don’t get what you pay for in most cases but again that will only be because YOU boys didn’t do your homework. Time for a ruler across your….knuckles?

Kink Shaming or Common Sense?

Articles, The Submissive Mind

In this world of ultra-sensitive people everyone seems afraid to speak the truth for fear of pissing off or hurting someone. The problem with this logic is that in the end we lose out on common sense; something that in my opinion is sorely lacking these days. When we become too afraid to call out bad behavior that’s when bad behavior thrives.

Case-in-point, several lovely ladies on Twitter were discussing the latest ‘kink,’ bug chasing. What I found most disturbing was the lack of accountability of the participants in this this psychological disorder out of a fear of ‘kink shaming’ those who participate.

Bug chasing is the name associated with men or women (although primarily men) who engage in risky sexual behaviour in the quest of getting HIV (Human Immunodeficiency Virus the virus that causes AIDS). The HIV positive participants being called ‘gift givers.’ Bug chasing also goes by the name of charging.

Although bug chasing has been around for well over 15 years and probably dates back as far as the onset of the HIV virus in the ‘80’s within the gay community I noticed this behaviour catching on over the last five years or so within the hetero community. More and more men were discussing with me how they loved having unprotected sex with men who may or may not be infected with the virus and what a thrill they got from that exposure.

For some of you scratching your head thinking, ‘wait you just said the hetero community and guys having sex with one another,’ yes that’s right you can have sex with other men and not be gay. I’ve discussed that numerous times here in The Review but that’s not what we’re focusing on here.

More and more heterosexual males who are in long-term relationships are engaged in this very disturbing behavior. That means that they are not only engaging in this pseudo-suicidal behavior but it now gets spread unknowingly to the female partner. This, my friends, is manslaughter. Those same clients also told me they hated their wives and didn’t care if they were exposed.

Bug chasing has been studied by many doctors over the last decade and they have concluded several reasons for this type of behavior. First is the obvious…suicide. Which should be really easy to figure out and condemn but nothing is ever that black and white.

I’m a big believer that if you want to kill yourself you should have that right. I believe we treat our animal friends better than ourselves when it comes to end-of-life care etc. I even feel that way for those who are depressed with one caveat, I would rather folks work on that issue before making a final decision because that type of mental health issue can be made better with the right help. But in the long run it’s your life and you can do what you want with it, including ending it. So in that respect I understand the mentality of, ‘let them do what they want.’

If you know me, you know that I am the first person to get folks to live-and-let-live, you-do-you, let your freak flag fly as long as you’re not hurting yourself or someone else. Being in BDSM we obviously have much more leeway in the pain and suffering department than your average person but at what point do we draw the line? In my opinion that line gets drawn when the psychology behind the alleged kink is warped and unhealthy as is the case with bug chasing and gift giving.

I would love to say that we are all mentally healthy individuals capable of making these decisions with a rational mind but unfortunately that isn’t the case for many people engaged in this type of behavior. I don’t like calling it a kink because it isn’t something one should aspire to throw on their kink list on FetLife.

As with any sexual proclivity there will always be those who take things to the extreme. As I wrote in my article on Why We Engage in Risky Sexual Behavior for the most part many are looking for that ‘high’ one gets from extreme risk. Of course there are those bug chasers who are, as I mentioned before, suicidal, have low self-esteem, or even display characteristics of having Munchausen Syndrome and all of these are NOT reasons to be engaged in this type of activity or any type of BDSM session.

I’ve heard horror stories of illicit ‘gift giving,’ where men with HIV actually hunt down men who are clean in order to infect them. Again a pretty nefarious reason to be spreading this disease and in many areas against the law and likened to manslaughter or murder despite the fact that HIV is no longer the death sentence it once was.

The idea of folks craving to be infected also flies in the face of those who have lost loved ones to this wretched virus and its accompanying immunodeficiency. I’m sure there are many of those friends and relatives who would tell a bug chaser that this isn’t in anyway cool or acceptable.

So at what point do we rely on common sense and common decency to make our decisions? I don’t think it’s kink shaming to point out that this is a self-destructive behavior that needs to be addressed by a mental healthcare practitioner. Whether it’s humiliation or base jumping you need to ask yourself the hard question, why am I doing this?

What are your thoughts? Sound off in the comments below:

Risky Request

Articles, Ask Dr Sue

R writes:

Hello Dr. Sue may i get your input. If a Mistress is requesting i give her my twitter password is it that risky, i mean if i decided in the future i could just go back in and change it couldn’t i.

Well if you want to keep that account then my suggestion would be no. Once a Domme gets in to your account, she changes the password and you’re now out of the account completely. So you going back in and changing the password is pretty much out of the question right?

Now why would a Domme want in to your Twitter? That’s the better question to ask. And that can be a variety of reasons. She might be checking on your direct messages to see if you’re whoring around with other Dommes. She may want to use your account for promotional purposes. (But that seems like a lot of work to me when she could just get you to do it.) She may also be using your account information to do further background work on you. She may check other accounts using the password you have for Twitter as most people use the same password for everything.

No matter what it’s a dangerous game to play. Unfortunately I also know that the danger makes you aroused. So there’s your catch 22. Ultimately like I said it’s a risky move and one I wouldn’t take, but that’s up to you.

Poppers and Domination

Ask Dr Sue, Financial Domination

Rich writes:

“i have to admit i’m kind of green with this question as i don’t know much about it or the attraction, but i’ve never engaged in it myself. My question is many Findom’s make these videos, but instruct the purchaser of the video or potential slave to inhale poppers through out the clips. May i ask do you have any idea what these poppers do to enhance the videos, i mean what is it supposed to do to the man/sub.”

First of all Rich, let me explain what poppers are for anyone who doesn’t know. Poppers are a from a class of chemicals called alkyl nitrate. Most of us know them more commonly as amyl nitrate.

Poppers come in tiny glass bottles filled with the chemical. You’ll see them promoted under lots of crazy names like Rush, Jungle Juice or Maximum Impact. When you open the bottle there is a distinct odor that smells like video head cleaner, which is how they used to be marketed because they fall in to a grey area when it comes to legality.

Poppers came to fame during the sixties and seventies in the gay clubs as they were thought to have a relaxing effect on smooth muscles such as throat and anus. But what it also does is give you a brief euphoric high.

You crack popper bottle and take a deep breath then hold it and exhale and you get a head rush that many men find arousing. It makes you floaty not unlike taking several shots of alcohol but it wears off rather quickly which is why you see in the videos you mentioned, the women instructing men to do it again and again.

This practice isn’t just FinDom based it’s used widely in all areas of not just domination but sexual play of many kinds. The idea behind using the poppers in the case of domination or financial domination is to get the subject high and then instructing them to give them money. It’s a form of forced intoxication not unlike when women get guys to get drunk for the same reason.

Like I said, poppers fall in to a grey area legally and you would need to check your local laws to see if you can purchase them. If not you can always buy them online.

BUT… like everything there is a caveat. Inhaling chemicals of any kind is risky and there is no difference with poppers. You have to understand that you are fucking with your brain which I don’t recommend to anyone. I get why men like them, I get why women use them in their repertoire but I don’t think it’s wise. It’s actually quite dangerous.

Inhaling too much amyl can run from a brutal headache to unconsciousness, seizures and death. Just like anything else too much of a fun thing can be bad for you. So clearly you have to be careful playing because if you have any pre-existing medical conditions or even conditions you might not know about this could cause a serious health issue.

So there ya go Rich. You’ve just had your popper education for the day. Definitely a play at your own risk situation.

Are Most Beta Males Cuckolds?

Articles, Ask Dr Sue, Cuckolding

Rick in the UK writes:

Dear Dr. Sue,

I came across a cuckold’s blog who was in awe of black men and their size, whilst talking on behalf of white men being totally inadequate with regard to all this, which gave me a thought; are most beta males potentially cuckolds who have been prevented by society from being their true selves?

I only ask because I consistently notice that white beta males, and particularly millennial men, don’t question multiculturalism, unlike Alpha males, who surely instinctively see other tribes as a threat to their own women and everything else. It has also been suggested that white single women favour multiculturalism because it is nothing more than a giant shit test for their own men and the patriarchy as a whole too.

Thanks,

First of all thank you Rick for writing in such an awesome question. Unfortunately it’s a question that has no real definitive answer. Only because when we start to talk sociology there are an infinite number of possible outcomes. I think the key to your questions lies in one word, ‘most.’

…are most beta males potentially cuckolds who have been prevented by society from being their true selves?

The answer to that is it’s possible. Where it unravels is in difference and choice. I think many beta males would love to be cuckolded but not all. I will say that I do believe that society prevents all beta males from being their true selves regardless of their individual kinks.

We raise all of our male children to be strapping, alpha men. We push them in to sports, we shove toy guns in their hands at a young age and in many cases we even teach them to stuff their feelings down. It’s sad and it’s wrong. It puts undue pressure on men to be something deep down inside they aren’t.

I can’t tell you the number of calls I get from men who are in complete inner turmoil about the fact that they shouldn’t be having submissive thoughts at all. That it means they’re weak. And THAT is sad and wrong. Submissive doesn’t equal weak. It never has but pop culture and the media would like you to believe that it does.

As for the multicultural aspects of cuckolding I can tell you that you’re right there are two schools of thought. There are many black men, regardless of their D&s position who feel that interracial breeding is actually ruining the black race. That by breeding with a white female you are essentially diluting the race. Which in biological terms it does.

But there is also the school of thought that by breeding with what society deems as the perfect female which unfortunately is a blonde haired, blue-eyed, white woman, that you are taking the best of both races and combining it to be a ‘perfect child.’ And when you think about it both theories are correct.

Now when it comes to women and multiculturalism you’ll have that same multi-layered effect. Are some women banging black men as a giant fuck you to white guys and possible men in general? I personally don’t know of anyone with that motive but I have no doubt that it’s out there. Just as much as the reparation thread runs between alpha black males and cuckolded white males. If you think that black men aren’t fucking white women in front of their husbands because it’s another giant FUCK YOU to the white man you’d be mistaken. They are and they are more than happy to tell you that.

From my own experience and those of other FLR wives who are in to interracial sex, remember not everyone is, we fuck black men because they fuck better than white men. It’s really that simple. I have found that even the most alpha of white men don’t hold a candle to black men. Sorry gentlemen but my beautiful boys of color are better at it than you. Don’t believe me? You can test it yourself simply by analyzing porn. There is an innate quality that black men have that isn’t in the white male; primal confidence. And it cannot be replicated.

White, alpha, males come from a place of desperation and fear. They try too hard. They are constantly trying to prove their alpha-ness. But black alpha males don’t need to; they just know they’re the best. That’s as simple as I can boil it down. And that confidence plays a huge roll in the bedroom.

Look at racist white males for example. Now there is an exaggerated form of what I’m talking about. They fear men of color. Why? Because they know that they suck and they know what they did and they fear it being done to them. Even if it’s not conscious, which it won’t be, that fear is being replicated generation after generation. Whereas alpha black males are more like the characters portrayed in Black Panther. There’s my pop culture reference for the day. But do you see the confidence that every person of color portrayed in that film? Wakanda Bitch!! That’s what white men fear. That’s why they teach their sons to shoot and protect their poor, frail, little white wives from the big, bad, black man. It’s why they sleep with guns under their pillows. They know if given a chance their frail, white wife would probably have a kick ass time with the scary, black man. And because of that fear now anyone of color has to sleep with a gun under their pillow because they fear getting their ass capped by a nervous white dude.

Okay that’s a bit over simplified but it illustrates my point. You see how the confidence is different? That plays out in the bedroom and women love it. And beta white males love it because they know they can’t compete. It’s part of the mind fuck. They know they’re looking at a more superior race and more superior cock than their own and they LOVE it.

So you see how there is no real answer because there are so many different motivations, opinions and feelings involved.

What do you think? Sound off in the comments below.

Clean up Duty

Articles, Ask Dr Sue

James writes:

I just wanted to get your thoughts on cleanup duty as it relates to cuckolds? I’m not saying anyone should be forced to, but I think in general that cucks that have a small penis should be eating semen produced by men with larger penises, either in-person immediately after ejaculation, or after that fact (such as a used condom being brought home, etc). But only from safe and trusted sources of course.

I have a 4.5″ penis, which according to your article is pretty small. It is a little above the 3-4″ range you gave for not being pleasurable to a woman, but I don’t think the half inch will make much difference. Also, one doesn’t necessarily need to have a wife or girlfriend to be a cuckold and even eat semen.

I actually have a female friend that I am not romantic with, but she and her husband know I’m submissive and have a small penis and so she occasionally teases me about that and also saves her husbands ejaculate from his 8 inch penis in her freezer in 2oz containers. When it is full (about 12-15 loads), she gives it to me to eat.

My thoughts on clean up duty. Well James, I, like you, think that if you want to eat a bull’s cum you go right ahead and do so. It’s up to the couple what they want to try.

However, I’ve found that most cuckold males, because they are submissive, will already want to perform clean up duty and eat cum. It’s part of being in the submissive state. Nothing better than sliding your tongue in to a yummy cream pie. Even worshipping a big cock is part of being in the submissve state.

So my thoughts are, if you like what you’re doing then go ahead and do it. You’re just lucky you have a couple to play with. Most men don’t. So enjoy!