Who’s to Blame, Domme or Sub?

W writes:

“I found you because I was looking up some stuff on quitting findom. I personally have found it difficult to give up and while I managed to go close to a year without it I recently gave in and sent a bunch of money again. For me it seems to be a form of self-harm. I do it when I feel bad about myself almost like some form of self-punishment. Also, I think it is a way to get affection from women though deep down I know they don’t actually care about me. A number of times you mention personal responsibility and that you can’t really blame the people who take the money. I do think this is the only way to approach this if you are trying to get better because you aren’t gonna get people to stop taking your money if you offer. At the same time I do resent the people who spend there time doing something I have to believe they know is extremely harmful to a lot of the participants. Most that I see like myself will start a twitter, send some money, delete their account promising themselves to never do it again and then repeat. Every single “domme” I see is clearly aware of this and encourages “relapse” every chance they get. This is the equivalent of knowing someone is an alcoholic and pushing them to drink more. If they give in its their fault of course. At the same time I can’t imagine the person pushing them to give into to their disease could be considered a decent person. I also don’t think I am anywhere near in my right mind when I make the decision to send money. Once again, this is something I think is well known and taken advantage of by “dommes”. To me this is like a guy getting a girl drunk so she will sleep with him knowing she would never do it if she was thinking straight. Once again, not exactly admirable behavior. At the end of the day I know I can’t expect anything from the “dommes” who take part in this so it’s up to me and anyone like me to figure a way out of this addiction on our own. The question is, where do you think personal responsibility begins and ends? Do you think it is ok to take advantage of and knowingly harm someone if they ask you to do it? Could this behavior ever be considered ethical? What would the world be like if everyone behaved this way? Do we have a responsibility to be decent to each other? If someone gets cancer from cigarettes it’s not the tobacco companies fault, but if the tobacco companies didn’t exist the person wouldn’t have been able to smoke and wouldn’t have gotten cancer. I believe CVS stopped carrying cigarettes because they decided it was unethical for them to sell a product they knew was harmful to their customers. It’s a difficult subject to say the least.”

First of all W, I want to thank you for writing in.

This is not unlike the article I wrote recently about the Disintegration of Femme Domme. And the subject bears a constant reminder for both parties.

What you write is quite true. You will find very few women doing this type of work who give a shit. Plain and simple. They are out for the money only and don’t care about whomever happens to fall into their web.

These types of women, of whom I refuse to call dominatrices because of this behavior, have no regard for anyone other than themselves. They are ruthless, vile and in no way represent the whole of BDSM.

However, and you knew there would be however, this subject takes us back to the age old argument, what came first the chicken or the egg?

As with anything online or even in professional in-person situations it is a buyer beware situation. If the past 5 years has taught us anything, it should have taught us that most of what you read and see on the internet is pure bullshit. Believing in something you read once because it resonates with you doesn’t make it fact.

Men such as yourself seek out new ways to get high and this is no different than if you were meth-heads. So whose fault is it really? The dealer offering the drug or the junkie seeking it? Well sure one could say all dealers should have morals and not sell in the first place but in that same breath one could also say the dealer wouldn’t be there if there wasn’t a demand for the drug. There’s your chicken and egg. So whose fault is it? Is it the dealer, the junkie or the drug itself?

In a perfect world we would all be kind to one another and look out for each other. Unfortunately we don’t live in a perfect world. That shouldn’t be too hard to see after the year we’ve just survived. If you can’t get people to care about one another enough to wear a fucking mask, how the hell are you going to get them to care about what is clearly a supply and demand issue.

What you really have to look at (and you have, and KUDOS to you for that), is why you’re seeking the drug in the first place. You made a HUGE revelation when you stated, “For me it seems to be a form of self-harm. I do it when I feel bad about myself almost like some form of self-punishment. Also, I think it is a way to get affection from women though deep down I know they don’t actually care about me.” This is the most poignant thing you wrote. Why? Because you did the self-reflection necessary to realize why you’re engaging in this negative behavior in the first place and most people don’t. If everyone could do this type of introspective work you’d probably find far less findom junkies. But alas no one likes doing this type of work let alone fix the issue. It’s easier to shove the needle in, pop the pill, snort the line or hand over the cash. And as humans we always take the easiest way out.

The fact is you will never get this type of behavior to stop. You will never get these women to suddenly wake up and realize the error of their ways any more than you can expect Donald Trump to wake up one day and suddenly care about people other than himself. They are incapable of it. In essence they are as sick as Donnie. But the problem with this type of mental illness is, they don’t realize nor care to fix it.

So once again we’re back to our chicken and egg. We have folks who want to escape the madness of their lives and folks who are happy to help them do that.

The responsibility though will still fall with the junkie. If you want to get clean, get away from the drug and work on those issues you pointed out. If you want a woman’s attention then get ‘out there’ and get a woman’s attention the right way. Because you are absolutely right the majority of the women doing findom DO NOT care about you. But in the same breath you don’t go to them for them to care about you. You go to them because you want to further feed your own lack of self-esteem. You want proof that you’re a loser, which you are not. YOU have to be the one to realize that you are punishing yourself, just as you said, and you need to STOP!

You have to remember that you seek out these women. You say they prey on you but the reality is they don’t know you’re alive until you say HI FUCK ME OVER! Right? All these women are doing is advertising themselves on Twitter saying what they do, and most of that is bullshit too btw. That’s it. They don’t wake up in the morning and say, “Gee I think I’m going to hunt down W today and fuck him up real good,” because they don’t know you. Therefore the only way you found them is because YOU approached THEM. And once you do that, NOW you’re in their web and now you WILL get hounded and told to pay more and come back etc. But who was one who approached first? I can assure you it is rarely the domme.

And you can’t get pissed because they’re on Twitter advertising what they do any more than you can get pissed at your local bakery for advertising that delicious sweet pie they make but you know you need to lose weight. Is it the bakery’s fault for advertising? Or is it your fault for walking through the door with the intent on getting that pie and devouring it for the momentary gratification it gives you only to feel even shittier about yourself after eating it? Not the baker’s fault my friend.

YOU have to be the one responsible for your own behavior. And in so doing, you then decide whether you’re going to go get that pie or go for a run. It’s up to YOU to keep yourself safe on the internet around these women. That means using only disposable information such as throwaway email addresses and phone numbers so when you are ready to say FUCK THIS SHIT, you have the ability to make a clean getaway because these women are ruthless as I said. Consider them like spam calls. Once they have your number they will call until you finally buy.

But the most important thing you can do is what you did, you looked at your behavior and said, hey I’m probably not doing this for the right reasons so maybe I need to knock this shit off. That’s step one. In the next article I show you guys some ways you can break free from your findom addictions. But the first thing you need to do is, realize you have one and then look at why.

What do you think? Sound off below.