As the title of this article states there is one question every sexually submissive individual (although because I work primarily with submissive males I’ll be gearing this towards them) needs to ask themselves yet very rarely do and that question is…
Why am I engaging in this type of play?
Granted, not every submissive act needs to be questioned deeply. Take a foot fetish for example. It is one of, if not the most common fetish and really doesn’t necessarily have anything to do with domination and submission. You can love playing with a woman’s feet sexually but not be sexually submissive. As such, this type of fetish play doesn’t need too much deep introspective work on the part of the fetishist.
But there are many types of BDSM play where you really should take a look at the “why” of your behavior, not because it’s deviant but because your motivation behind it could be doing you mental harm.
This tends to be more prevalent in more extreme BDSM practices such as pain, humiliation and can even bleed into financial domination, home wrecking and others.
Looking into why you’re doing something is usually not what we want to do. It can leave us having to deal with issues we’ve been burying through BDSM play for example.
Most addictions are caused by avoiding something. We don’t like a feeling or a thought pattern and we bury it by distracting ourselves with whatever it is we’re indulging in. That can come in obvious forms like drugs, alcohol and food but let’s not forget that one of the biggest but rarely talked about addictions afflicting many males – porn addiction. When you combine the distraction with something that feels good such as all the things I just mentioned, you get a pretty strong case for your mind to want to repeat that negative behavior.
In the case of extreme BDSM play you can run into similar types of patterns although for many it’s not so much avoiding something as it is REINFORCING a negative belief.
For example, I’ve worked with gentlemen who want to feel pain because they believe they deserve to feel that pain usually for a past perceived indiscretion. I say perceived because once you uncover that belief, in many cases you’ll find it has no basis in reality. But as I’ve told you many times, a belief is simply a thought we think over and over until we believe it. It doesn’t make that thought fact or reality. QAnon is a great example of a very fluid set of beliefs, most of which are not based in reality or fact but when repeated over and over people will begin to believe it.
I had a client who wanted me to tell him that he should kill himself. I, of course, refused to do that and instead peeled away the layers to find out why he felt this way. It turns out he was very close to his grandfather and wasn’t there when he passed. Since that day he chose to punish himself by repeating the narrative that he didn’t deserve to live because he had let his grandfather down.
Humiliation can be another form of self-punishment that can become sexualized and is a common thread within the submissive mind. Humiliation needs to be looked at very closely to ensure that the degradation that is being sought is not reinforcing a self-deprecating thought pattern which unfortunately is usually the case. Very few people can compartmentalize humiliation and are able to just leave it as a sexual kink and not buy into what is being said. And hearing over and over that you’re worthless, regardless of the fact that it makes your willy wiggle is just not mentally healthy.
The more extreme the humiliation craving you have, usually means the more negative you feel about yourself as a whole. Sure there are men who can realize that what is being said is just a kink and nothing more. It’s just that they are rarer than you boys who hate yourselves for whatever personal reason.
Financial domination and home wrecking I’m putting into one category because many times the two are intertwined. Many men don’t have the nads to pull the plug on their relationships. They find their relationships have become dull so they seek out ways to fill that void rather than actually confronting the issue in the marriage. Essentially they use the Domme to do their dirty work, “if I get caught, oh well.” Trying to fix the marriage is a lot harder than just fucking around in some way, getting caught and then having their wife pull the plug so they don’t have to.
Whatever the reason you’re indulging in extreme kinks it’s important to take the time to ask yourself why. If it’s for a negative reason it would do you some good to really look at curbing that particular kink and move it to something less destructive. And don’t expect your Domme to do the work for you or even delve into your reasons. They are there to do what you, the client, asks for. They aren’t there to psychoanalyze you and decide whether you should be doing what you’re asking them to do. Sometimes, even though you’re submissive, you need to ask yourself the hard questions and answer them honestly so you don’t end up visiting me at a later time because you’re dealing with the fallout of self-loathing. It might be easier for your Domme to think for you, but it’s not realistic.
What do you think?
Sound off in the comments below.