The Submissive Mind

Self-Esteem and Submission

I received this email from Pat (who btw is contributing to The Review wonderfully with his comments, thank you Pat!) and I really think it bears discussing as this can really be a confusing part of submission. After reading part of my ongoing series on becoming a powerful woman he writes:

“…Your advice to women was basically to know their worth and respect themselves. People will treat you in line with your own evaluation of yourself, so start thinking like and being a princess.

Good advice as far as it goes. But it got me thinking about a submissive male’s worth. I agree that being assertive and selfish enough to look out for your own interests is essential for anyone in building self esteem. It’s something that I’m working on myself.

The problem is that as a submissive you are expected to explicitly thwart your own self assertiveness (well DUH, Pat!). Even if your mistress keeps you in your place in a loving way (so-called loving female authority), buckling under still requires self suppression, rather than self expression and self assertion.

So, if we agree that self assertiveness is a necessary component of self esteem then deliberately suppressing ones ideas, needs, and wants certainly must hurt self esteem.

This isn’t just theory. I experience this as a daily struggle trying to maintain self respect while still embracing my submissive side.

On one hand, I would love to find a woman to give myself to in that way. Then there’s another side of me that tells me I’m better than that and deserve better than being treated as an underling.

I’m stuck. My submissive need is not a fetish; it’s a deeply rooted emotional need. Yet, my rational mind will not accept it because I hold values that are diametrically opposed to submissiveness.

At times it almost makes me sick and I get very angry at my submissive side. It causes me a lot of stress – this war that goes on inside me. I’ve actually come to tears on a couple of occasions out of shear frustration. I just don’t know what to do…”

He makes a very valid point. How can you keep your self-esteem yet still remain submissive?

As I’ve discussed before we are all both dominant and submissive. Some of us lean more to one or the other and there are those who are just fully dominant or submissive. What needs to be remembered is that as with everything in life it takes balance.

Can a submissive male have self-esteem and self-worth? Absolutely! As he states submission for him is a ‘deeply rooted emotional need,’ and it’s this way for many men. However this doesn’t mean you have to choose one side or the other. You can have your submissive needs met and not lose yourself in the process. This is the reason we have ProDommes. It allows, for some people, the avenue through which you can feed that submissive emotional need without going in to the lifestyle completely.

As I’ve said many times and I don’t care how many times I have to say it, there is nothing written in stone, no hard and fast rules. Submission doesn’t have to include humiliation. Humiliation has always been a sticking point with me. I personally don’t like it and don’t like engaging in it. Although I understand the need and sexual turn-on from it, it just rubs me the wrong way. Some of you guys who have spoken with me and asked me to do this for you will know that I suck at it for that reason.

When you’re thinking of engaging in a lifestyle with someone on a full time basis you have to remember that it ISN’T all one way. If you want things to work you HAVE to sit down from time to time as two vanilla individuals and discuss what is working and what isn’t for each person.

I understand the need to fully immerse yourself in your submission and give yourself over to the right dominant female is a huge draw, but you should never, ever do so to the point of losing who you are, as I said earlier.

Maybe it’s easier if I give you an example and Ill use myself for it. I am 99.9% dominant. I run my life as a dominant, my household as a dominant, my career…you name it. However, in the bedroom, with the right alpha male I am 100% submissive. Submissive men in the bedroom get on my nerves. I want to be ravaged and ‘taken,’ not whined at and looking for direction all the time. As a matter of fact any submissive who was ever in my care has always known the rules for me and they are; you have a brain and I expect you to use it, don’t ask me for permission to do every fucking thing in your life, if you have an opinion I expect you to express in the right forum and the list goes on but you get the idea.

I’m not saying that there aren’t submissives out there who need intense direction, nor would I say that there aren’t dominant women who are more than willing to direct every aspect of your life, there are. What I’m saying is that you need to find a balance that works for you. It’s the reason why you’ll find many, MANY, CEO’s and guys who are in positions of great power throughout the day will walk away from that the minute they get home and drop to their knees.Â Does it make them less of a submissive or human being because they aren’t submissive all the time? No.

Pat I think your frustration is coming from that point of there being only one way to serve, either give yourself over completely or not and that’s just not reasonable or rational. There are many couples who are living the lifestyle that you would never suspect are doing so because they keep it separate from their outward appearance or public lives.

A good Domme of any kind will know you get much further with praise than with the cane or harsh words anyway. It’s identical to dog training. There’s a time and a place for everything you just need to find the right partner with the right frame of mind to make it mutual not one sided.

Submissive Guys Have Feelings Too

Articles, Cuckolding, For Ladies Only, The Submissive Mind

I spoke with Matt last week who is presently trying to find the right Dominant woman to serve in real time, not on the phone or in a Pro Domme capacity. His quest brings up a very important point that I want to get across to you submissive guys out there.

First of all I know it’s hard to find a Dominant woman to serve in a relationship capacity. It’s not like you can walk in to a bar and say, hey what’s your sign, mine’s use me, and dropping to your knees, throwing your arms around her legs and not letting go can get you arrested, which is why I tell you guys to go where the Dominant women are.

In Matt’s case he’s had some luck finding the right woman but not being able to connect properly. Like many men out there Matt has to be Dominant throughout the day at work etc. What he wants is a woman he can lavish not only his money and attention but to serve domestically as well. Now you’d think that any woman out there would be jumping at the chance to grab him, but that’s not the case. Too many women get in to the roll of bitch with a whip. They don’t understand that it’s perfectly fine to love and care for your submissive male, which is why I suggested a more cuckold relationship for Matt to look for.

The trick is to find a balance between the relationship part and the D & s part. As a Dominant woman you don’t have to respect your sub as a man, as a matter of fact you probably won’t. But you DO have to respect him as a HUMAN BEING! Submissive males are not robots without feelings, they’re human, and their needs have to be met as well as yours.

Unless a submissive male enjoys being treated like nothing with no conversation or relationship connection you HAVE to take his needs in to consideration. As a couple you have to make rules that each of you will abide by that work for both of you not just one of you. What Matt wants is someone who will basically be in a loving relationship with him but behind closed doors he serves and is very domestic. Unfortunately he keeps finding women who just want him to pick up their dry cleaning and that’s about it. When he would go out for dinner with them they wouldn’t even talk. That’s ridiculous and falls more in to the realm of Pro Domme.

So guys remember, it’s okay to submit but you DO have rights and you DO deserve to have all your needs met just as much as she does. Never short change yourself or serve just because you’re submissive if it’s not something you’re enjoying. If it’s no fun, there’s no point in doing it.

Fetish – What is Normal?

Articles, The Submissive Mind

If you read my article about Fetish and Society you’ll probably notice the same theme running here. I would say 80% of the people who call me want to know that they aren’t going crazy and that what they’re doing is okay.

When I’m asked, ‘what is normal?’ I reply, ‘who cares?’ What’s normal to me, isn’t going to be normal to you, which in turn isn’t going to be normal to your neighbor. We as human beings are very diverse that’s what makes us all unique and wonderful and it’s this diversity that allows us to look at someone or a situation and say, ‘I like that, but I don’t like that.’ And that is the basis of why we’re all here in the first place, to reach for the things we like and disregard those we don’t.

The problem is we focus too much on what we don’t want. Again we’re minding everyone else’s business but our own. There is no such thing as normal so quit trying to attain it, and for those of you who spend most of your time criticizing everyone because they’re not doing things ‘your’ way shut your lip and live your life. Stop trying to live other people’s lives for them. You may not like what they do, you may not agree with what they do but unless they’re forcing you to do the same, it’s none of your concern.

If a man wants to give his life to a lifestyle Domme and live as her slave for the rest of his life because he thinks it’s the most wonderful way to spend the rest of his life, so what? As long as he’s not being held against his will, what possible harm does it do to you? If you go out for dinner and you order lobster and your friend orders steak do you spend the rest of the night bitching and fretting about what your friend is eating because you don’t eat red meat? Unfortunately there are people who do. I’d like to hope that you can now see the absurdity of trying to control other people, thinking that if they do what YOU like then YOUR life will somehow be perfect, because you’re only making YOUR life miserable in the process.

Why is there so much crap going on in the world? Look around you, when you boil it all down to the barebones you’ll see it’s because people are trying to make other people do things their way. Each religion thinks it’s the only one. Each government thinks it’s the cat’s ass. And instead of just staying in their own backyards and playing nicely alone they push their views, ideals and personal morality on others who don’t want to live that way.

So instead of submissives trying to live dominant and vice versa just be what you’re happiest being. Now would I shout it from the rooftops? No. But only because doing so will bring you more negative people around you telling you you’re wrong. Just sit back and enjoy it, quietly until the rest of the world gets to a place where we can all just live and let live. Just don’t hold your breath.

Fetish and Society

Articles, The Submissive Mind

Why are we all so quick to condemn things we don’t understand? Unfortunately tolerance isn’t a human strong point. I’d like to say that all of this will change but I doubt it will in our lifetime.

The problem with society and fetish is clearly ignorance and that can even take place within the fetish community itself. I’ve been to many gatherings that were exclusionary and elitist to that group. Those of you who know me, know I constantly get on my soapbox about not putting everyone and everything in to nice neat little boxes. Life isn’t that perfect or easily defined.

I have clients who worry they’re gay or bi, who the hell cares? Quit labeling yourself and everyone else around you. Even comments on this site can be very one sided. Just because you don’t understand something doesn’t make it wrong.

We as individual human beings cannot possibly keep up with or please everyone else and we spend way too much time trying to do so. Hell most of the trouble people are in financially is because of getting caught up in having the latest, shiniest new toy that the dude next door has or better yet a bigger one. If we can’t tolerate differences in race, sex, lifestyle, religion or anything else for that matter how the hell are you supposed to please society?

Here’s what I tell most people who are concerned about what ‘others’ may think of what they enjoy sexually. STOP IT!! What you do behind closed doors is your business. Will someone else ‘get it’ probably not, so don’t try to beat your head against a wall explaining it. We came here to experience joy and love and happiness and that can be so easily attained if we all just mind our own business.

Now do we have to draw a line in the sand? Yes. Obviously if you’re bliss and your joy affect someone, or something else against their will then you’ve crossed a line. Your sexual fun should never hurt or degrade someone else who isn’t in to it, who isn’t consenting.

Sure there are some of you who enjoy pain being inflicted, humiliation, degradation and other forms of submission similar and that’s AWESOME! Go for it, have a ball and do what you want but if the person having the pain, humiliation or other torture is not enjoying it or it’s being inflicted against their will then it’s wrong. Things such as child pornography or enslavement, beastiality (or zoophilia), human sex slave trafficking are wrong because you are imposing your will against theirs and that’s to say nothing of the morality of it but even that’s subjective.

The point is, instead of thinking ‘that person is totally fucked up because they enjoy being bossed around by a woman,’ just mind your business. If they like it, it’s going to make them a happier person therefore anyone around them is going to benefit. It may not be your bag but it doesn’t make it wrong or in any way deviant.

What is a Ruined Orgasm and Why Would I Want One?

Articles, Cuckolding, The Submissive Mind

You probably don’t. LOL. Ruined orgasms are used in cuckolding and male control. It’s a way of draining the submissive without the pleasure of the orgasm.

We’ve all had one at some time or other usually unintentionally. You build up and pull back to that orgasm tip over point so many times that if you’re not careful your orgasm will actually fizzle and die. In the case of cuckolding or just male control you do it to drain the balls and that’s it. The ejaculate will actually just pour out and there will be no muscle spasms or fun stuff to go with it.

Most men don’t want a ruined orgasm but their Mistress doesn’t want them experiencing pleasure for a variety of reasons. One reason is it keeps the focus off their cocks and on the Mistress where it should be.

Is it bad for you, no. It won’t do anything harmful it just doesn’t feel good because you don’t experience a full pleasurable orgasm.

There is no perfect way to perform a ruined orgasm either. You need to know your submissive well enough to be able to feel with your hand when he’s getting to that edge obviously. Never go by his expressions or what he might be saying cause let’s face it he’ll try to get that one slip over the edge. Like everything else it just takes practice. You can also use prostate massage the same way.

Is it Wise to Have Sex with Your Submissive?

Articles, Cuckolding, Financial Domination, For Ladies Only, The Submissive Mind

Camilla asked this question in an email to me and I think it bears discussing. There is a lot of contradictory information out there regarding the subject of sex with submissives, and in this case I’m talking submissive males of course.

The first thing I want to point out is that there are no hard and fast rules that have to be followed when it comes to D & s with the exception of sanity and safety. In order to clarify the subject lets break it down in to a few areas; Pro Dommes, Lifestyle Dommes and Cuckolding.

My view and the way I was trained is that if you are a Pro Domme and you have sex with your submissive that’s a big NO NO. Why? Because when you have sex with the submissive you’re leveling the playing field. You’re no longer dominating him, it’s now even. So in the case of Pro Dommes it’s not recommended because in the long run the submissive is paying for a service and it’s mainly a feeling they’re paying for. Sex with a sub in this format ruins it for the sub. Now I’m not talking oral or strap-on play obviously. I’m talking intercourse with the submissive. It doesn’t work because when you have full intercourse there is no longer any D & s. Now I know there are Domina’s out there who will disagree with me and that’s cool, again no hard and fast rules.

Now in the case of a Lifestyle Domme where the submissives are living with her and are being cared for by her it takes on another meaning. Can it be done? Yes and it is done but it’s considered a huge reward and privilege. It is usually reserved only for the top submissive in the house. It is an honor and the submissives know that. Does it level the playing field? Not usually because they will either be removed from the Domina’s sleeping quarters and returned to their cell when they are finished or chained to the foot of the bed. So you can see the difference between a Lifestyle Domme situation and a Pro Domme situation. As a Pro Domme you don’t have the ability when it’s over to put them back in their place.

Cuckolding takes on a whole gray area that is really very much up to the Superior Female. As the Superior Female in the relationship it is strictly up to you whether you have sex with your cuckold. Lots of women eventually deny completely, tapering off as they go along. Some women will let the cuckold only have sex after the alpha is finished. This solidifies the cuckold’s place because he then feels how stretched his female is by the alpha male and he can see for himself that she cannot feel his usually tiny dick because he can’t feel anything either. Sex can also be used as a reward system or even as a game. It’s all up to both of you how you decide to play it out.

Can you have a full relationship with a submissive male and still have it work out? Yes but it usually takes on a cuckolding atmosphere eventually.

In Camilla’s case she was wondering if it would work having a D & s relationship AND financially dominate him. This rarely works. The reason why is because a spouse or partner doesn’t usually have the leverage that’s required with Financial Domination. There’s a ruthlessness that is needed to properly financially dominate, a fear level that usually isn’t reached in a partnership. Not to say that it can’t be done it just doesn’t work well. That’s why most married men who want to be financially dominated do so with someone outside their relationship. It may be possible if the D & s portion of the relationship is established before it turns sexual. But again it usually ends up turning in to a cuckold relationship anyway.

As with everything I tell you guys, YOU make the rules. Whatever works for you and your partner is perfect.

The Submissive Mind

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