The Submissive Mind

Can a Woman Respect a Sexually Submissive Partner?

Articles, Cuckolding, Humilation, The Submissive Mind

Can a woman respect a sexually submissive partner? I get asked this quite often by men who are contemplating cuckolding and more specifically sucking cock in front of their partner. Don asked this recently in our comment section and the answer isn’t really easy and comes down to not only your definition of respect, but also a ton of variables.

So let’s break this down. In the broad scheme of things the answer is yes, of course she will respect you in every way possible, except sexually. However you can’t ask her to respect you sexually it doesn’t work if you have a Dominant/submissive relationship and I’m going on the premise that you do or at least want one such as a cuckold relationship.

As the man that I love and care for and want to spend my life with of course I will respect you. In some cases as the father of my children I will respect you. As the sole or part provider for our home I will respect you. As a human being I will respect you. But in the bedroom, when you’re on your knees and you’re sucking my bull’s cock the only thing I respect is that you’re being a good little bitch and doing what you’re told.

Now let’s look at it from the submissive’s perspective. In the bedroom, when you’re being my bitch, you don’t want me to respect you. That defeats the purpose of our relationship. In this room, it’s not about me respecting you, it’s about you respecting me. That’s the double-edged sword you walk in these situations and why I always say you have to have a very strong foundation in your relationship before you engage in any kind of kink play because if you don’t have good communication and that solid foundation it will all crumble.

And let’s not forget the variables I spoke of earlier such as how much D/s is in the relationship. Does it bleed in to your daily lives or does it remain behind bedroom doors? The more hardcore you integrate D/s in to your relationship outside of the bedroom the less respect there will be in the day-to-day activities. If your dominant wife is handling all the money and/or making all the money she’s less likely to respect you regarding money. See what I mean? It’s quite individual.

When it comes to cuckolding I would rather see you have a loving relationship that is equal in every way except in the areas you don’t want it equal. I’ve found the fear of a lack of respect comes from a fear of your own submission; that somehow she won’t see you as a man. But what does it matter if she sees you as Krusty the Klown as long as you’re happy and getting your sexual needs met? The key is to stop getting caught up in societal ideals of what a man should or shouldn’t be. If you enjoy her not respecting you in ANY way who cares? It’s like the old song Use Me by Bill Withers, “and I wanna spread the news that if it feels this good getting used, Oh you just keep on using me, until you use me up.”

Submissive Sluts You’re Cheating Yourselves

Articles, Financial Domination, The Submissive Mind

I see you there lying in the gutter with your phone in your hand shaking, perspiring, your mouth dry, feverishly checking the listings of your favorite phone sex site or chat line for the latest Dominatrix like a junkie trying to score a hit to make the ‘sickness’ end; jumping from one Domme to another in the quest for your next erotic high. After all you never know, there could be the PERFECT DOMME ‘out there’ and you might miss out.

Or perhaps you’re that sad little money slave who thinks, ‘hell it’s so fucking hot serving one Domme, imagine what it would be like serving two or MORE!’ Your mind exploding at the thought of being under the spell of a handful of powerful women all of whom have the ability to pull your strings and make you completely weak with their demands as you watch your 401K dwindle.

If either of these scenarios rings a bell I hate to break it to you but you’re deluding yourself. You’re also cheating yourself out of the most intense submissive experience of your life – serving one woman.

I can hear you attention deficit types now, ‘MY GOD HOW BORING!’ But hear me out.

I know it’s hard for you not to think newer is better!! Think about it, what could be better than a direct from the factory shiny, brand new Domme?

Simple, new usually means inexperienced, the ‘I’ in inexperience becomes capitalized the younger she is. Many women trip over online domination and think that it just means being a bratty bitch and the money will come rolling in. Most of these women are NOT dominant. They’re playing a part, a role. You’ll know the minute she picks up the phone and DOESN’T LISTEN TO YOU! Or worse, reads from a script. Newer usually means MONEY WASTED.

Gentlemen I can’t make this point any clearer to you, there’s a reason why you keep coming across the same names over and over when you do your frantic searching for NEW, it’s because they are good at what they do. You don’t stay in this business long if you suck at it.

What happens when you keep jumping from Domme to Domme or serving several at one time is you completely miss out on being submissive. The whole point of being submissive is putting yourself in the control of your Mistress (Master), no questions asked. Why? Because it’s only through the deep connection you have with your Mistress that you really feel the intense devotion and love for her. It’s through this devotion that you truly reach profound levels of submission.

Here’s what you miss out on:

You open your eyes for the first time in the morning to greet your day and the first thought to go through your mind is, ‘what can I do today to please HER?’ While you work throughout the day you thoughts remain on HER. Your love for HER. The pleasure SHE gives you. The time you might be granted with HER. You race home to see if SHE’S online. If it’s a really good day SHE might have posted a note or picture about what SHE did that day. You live for the moment when you can click that button to send HER your tribute or buy her that gift knowing that you’ve just made HER life a little better. As you close your eyes for the last time at night you’re filled with the excitement of what you can do for HER tomorrow.

You don’t get that by bouncing around from one woman to the next or serving a pile of women. You’re completely missing the point of servitude and submission by participating in this type of behavior. If deep submission isn’t your main reason behind your quest for the perfect Domme then I question your motives and your ability to submit.

Some of you will always be ‘subs of convenience’ and will only be submissive when the mood hits you once or twice a month and that’s all well and good but don’t cry about not being ‘fulfilled’ as a sub. The only way you will really experience meaningful submission is by serving one person and devoting yourself only to them. Otherwise you’re wasting your money and your time.

Submissive or Sucker?

Articles, Cuckolding, The Submissive Mind

Are you submissive or are you just a sucker? In all fairness that’s a relative question. Relative because what some may view as a person being pushed around or bullied can in fact be something the one being tormented is enjoying.

Look at these lyrics to Use Me sung by Bill Withers in 1972:

My brother sit me right down and he talked to me
He told me that I ought not to let you just walk on me
And I’m sure he meant well
Yeah, but when our talk was through
I said, brother, if you only knew
You’d wish that you were in my shoes
You just keep on using me
Until you use me up
Until you use me up

But at what point do you draw the line? Is there a line in the sand for the submissive who enjoys humiliation? Well I’m here to say that if you don’t have a line in the sand you had best get one in a big hurry my meek friend.

Believe me I understand what Bill was singing about and if being humiliated is your thing I will fight for your right to enjoy it the way you want to however I’m hearing more and more about men who have taken submission to a whole, not so good, level.

An easy example is the submissive who is off to see his first Pro Domme. He makes the mistake of being too submissive. He allows the Domme to do what ‘she’ wants and leaves feeling disappointed and ripped off but feels he can’t do anything because he has no right to complain after all he’s submissive.

BULL SHIT! When you decide to PAY for a service from a Pro Domme you have every right to tell that Domme what you want and the experience you want to have. Why? Because you are paying for a service. If she gets pissy because you’re telling her what you want then scream NEXT and move on because she’s not a Pro. It doesn’t mean you dictate the entire experience, that’s up to her but if you’re not in to pain and she pulls out the cane that’s when you say HELL NO gimme my money back.

I know some of the ladies out there will scream, ‘but these guys take advantage of that,’ yes I know there are freaks and morons everywhere but that is the price of doing business my dear. You get ripped off from time to time. There will always be whiners. You simply don’t book them again. Give them their money and tell them to move along. You are providing a service and you should still try to make that experience all about the paying customer.

That example was a simple and easy one but I always find giving you guys real-life stories is best to illustrate my point and I have a couple that should if nothing else make you stop and think.

I have a client who engaged in cuckolding with his wife. Against my advice he allowed his wife to resume a previous relationship with a gentleman who she was having an affair with a couple years prior, and this guy became the bull. Long story short the bull and the wife went too far and ran over the husband. In a short amount of time, I’m talking months here, this guy had the wife tattooed, impregnated her, had the husband in chastity with no access to the key and she was in love and leaving her husband.

There were several times I tried to get him to intervene in what was going down. I told him point blank that this guy was taking his wife, for good. This wasn’t a fantasy, this was real. He was so caught up in his submission and the fact that he was living ‘the dream’ that he played dead at the worst possible times and has now lost his family and almost his home.

Now I know some of you will read that and think, ‘wow that’s so freakin hot!’ and I understand why you think that but at what cost is your lust?

I have three, yes three other clients who have been made to have sex with animals against their will. Two of the Doms were male, one was female. This sickens me on so many levels I don’t even know where to begin. In all three cases the submissives only did it because they didn’t want to disappoint their Mistress/Master.

And once again I ask the question, where’s your line in the sand? I am personally very against the use of animals in any sex scene and you guys know I’m a pretty liberal bitch. I think pushing a sub to do anything they are not psychologically ready for says more about you the Domme/Dom than it does about the sub. The sub is simply doing what you ask of them. With that comes a deep trust and many very twisted individuals feed on that trust. It took months of sessions to get these individuals back to a place where they could look in the mirror and not feel intense shame and horror.

I ask of you as a submissive to please figure out your line in the sand and never, ever breach that line for anyone or anything. Saying no does not make you less of a sub, it makes you a human being and that is what you are before anything else.

As a Domme/Dom I ask that you respect that you are entrusted with an individual’s mind, body and spirit. You are not there to break that person down, you are there to break them free. Learn the difference between the two before you think of picking up the whip.

‘My friends feel it’s their appointed duty
They keep trying to tell me
All you want to do is use me
But my answer, yeah to all that use me stuff
I want to spread the news
That if it feels this good getting used
You just keep on using me
Until you use me up
Until you use me up

My brother sit me right down and he talked to me
He told me that I ought not to let you just walk on me
And I’m sure he meant well
Yeah, but when our talk was through
I said, brother, if you only knew
You’d wish that you were in my shoes
You just keep on using me
Until you use me up
Until you use me up

Sometimes, it’s true
You really do abuse me
You get me in a crowd of high-class people
And then you act real rude to me
But, oh baby, baby, baby, baby,
When you love me, I can’t get enough
I want to spread the news
That if it feels this good getting used
Girl, you just keep on using me
Until you use me up
Until you use me up
Talkin’ ’bout you usin’ people
It all depends on what you do
It ain’t too bad the way you’re usin’ me
‘Cause I sure am usin’ you to do the things you do’
to do the things you do

Maintaining a Balance in Online Domination

Articles, The Submissive Mind

Rich writes with a dilemma he’s in that faces many men who are playing in the online Domination scene. Rich writes: (this question is redacted and paraphrased for privacy purposes)

“…Dr. Sue this leads me to my question i have now, i have served my Mistress now for four years, she’s an **** Findom who has complete ownership over me, my finances, and i’m owned with blackmail. I do like serving her and being her property but i have reached a point where it’s effecting my personal life, and not financially, but physically, i can no longer perform sexually with women.

I’m by no means impotent; i get extremely aroused by my owner through her photos and her clips which you know many Mistresses use kinkbomb and c4s. In the beginning i first started buying her clips which these are what the Mistresses use to lure in the weak men such as myself, and as my Mistress knew when i first started contacting her, she slowly and with emails worked out of me all of my weaknesses, and that i was a little depressed and alone. She didn’t put a whole lot of effort into it until i started sending tributes, and at that point i believe she knew that she had me, from there she really started working me and i did become addicted to her as she really knew how to work me in the right ways, which kept me coming back to her, and that was ok i mean i sought her out.

I was wondering Dr. Sue is there a way i can somehow get back to at least carrying on a healthy, sexual relationship with a woman without having my only sexual release with my Mistress’s clips? I mean she knows that i’m addicted like this and she couldn’t like it better, she knows that i’m impotent with other women as i did at one time confide in her, she had no interest in listening to me. In the beginning i even told her i was depressed and she said let’s talk about it and she would ask me why i was depressed, i realized after i started serving her though and she knew she had me. I would tell her i’m still depressed and then she would just tell me to keep my mouth shut, and she would tell me i’m not a psychiatrist, and i would say well you said you would help me in the beginning, and there again she would just blow off my question and tell me to stay focused on what was important and that was serving her and her needs. Is there any help for me Dr. Sue, a way back to at least having a healthy relationship and life?”

In a word, YES Rich you can get your life back. I first want to give you kudos for not whining and saying it’s all the Domme’s fault. You make it quite clear you went to her for a service and she has supplied that service. Well done for both parties.

This situation comes in to play not only in the world of D & s but in just watching excessive porn. Our brains are wired to enjoy routine. That’s why it’s hard for a heroin addict to kick that habit. Once the drug is out of the system the person is no longer addicted to the drug and what you’re left with are negative habits that have formed. It’s the same for smoking, eating, drinking or anything else we become habituated to. These habits are actually harder to kick than the drug itself but they can be fixed.

Your Domme is correct; she’s not a psychiatrist and doesn’t profess to having those skills. Her job is to hook you and get you to make her life easier and clearly it’s a job she did very well. So I’m not about to chastise the Domme in this case because she’s obviously very good at her job.

You have to first take responsibility for your own actions. You asked for it, you got it. Which I think you’ve pretty much done and that’s great. From here on out it’s a matter of balance and re-conditioning.

Just as those who over eat need to learn to modify their behavior in order to lose weight you too have to modify yours. Does that mean you leave your Domme behind? Only if it gets to where you cannot balance your, in essence, two lives.

In the case of our over eater, unlike the heroin addict, we can’t remove food from this person’s life the over eater needs to balance what they eat with their activity level. The same is true in your case. If I said to you, “you can never talk to her again,” you would end up craving her more and doing more harm to yourself because your submission is a part of who you are.

So let’s look at our over eater again, if I say to the over eater, you can never, ever have any cake, cookies or whatever they are addicted to again, all that person will think about is that denied cake, however if I say to that person that I want them to limit their cake to two times per week instead of everyday that’s more doable. This is the reason why most of these insanely stupid diets fail, they set people up to fail.

An individual can become addicted to porn to the point where they no longer can become aroused by a three-dimensional woman standing in front of them. That’s sort of where you are. This condition is known loosely as ‘porn creep’. Unfortunately the DSM-V (which is the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders #5 which was recently released) has only just added a new section on behavioral addictions but only included gambling in that section, nothing else. This is how very slow the mental health industry is and why I say it’s all still in its infancy and is equivalent to Neanderthals throwing rocks at the moon. Hence the big issues we’re experiencing in the world today with folks who are very mentally ill and not getting any treatment. The reason I point this out to you is for you to see that you’re not alone and that even professionals aren’t very good at dealing with these issues.

Right now the best way for you to re-integrate yourself back in to the ‘real world’ is to start replacing some of your sessions with your Domme to watching straight porn. I realize this sounds stupid since I just told you that you have a similar addiction to porn creep but we need to start getting your mind on other women, in vanilla sexual situations and nothing related to Domme clips or D & s at all. This is a form of CBT (no not Cock and Ball Torture, Cognitive Behavioral Therapy) which is the only way to battle a habit.

So again, don’t remove her from your life because that’s a real part of who you are but you need to start integrating more vanilla sexual situations to your mind. You won’t be aroused right off the bat so don’t panic but we need to re-train your brain to accept regular relationships and not just the one you have with your Domme. So we start small just like with our over eater. For every session you have with your Domme you have a session alone with some vanilla porn.

You also need to start getting away from your computer. You need to get yourself out in the physical world around regular (for lack of a better word) women. You need to start physically socializing again not online socializing. That can be done by simply joining classes or groups you might be interested in like cooking, photography whatever floats your non-sexual boat.

All this takes time and diligence on your part. Unfortunately there is no magic pill, yes you could be put on anti-depressants but I’m not a big fan of drug companies and cognitive behavioral therapy really comes down to you being aware of your behavior and using your will (yes you still have some in there) to turn things around. It’s not easy which is why addicts end up re-using when they’ve been clean for so long. Our brains don’t like change. They fight it. It’s your mind squirrels, which is what I call the voices in your head that do the negative talking, “go ahead do it, you know you want to, what harm could it do, it feels really good when you talk to your Domme, come on let’s just talk one time,” that you have to fight because they CAN be changed but they sure as shit don’t want to. It’s easy to slide back in to negative behavior especially negative behavior that feels as good as yours does but only YOU can take control of your own mind squirrels.

Your Domme and your D & s life don’t have to go away but you need to learn to balance the two so you remain a member of society. And that means walking away from your computer and living your life and breathing fresh air and talking to real people, preferably women.

You can do this and you know I’m always here if you need me!

Does Sucking Cock Make Me Gay?

Articles, Featured, Humilation, The Submissive Mind

Pat probably thinks I forgot about him but I didn’t. He wrote me last month, yeah I know I’m a procrastinator with way too many balls in the air, but he always makes such valid points that I know others will benefit from and he’s done it again!

Here’s what Pat wrote:

“Does submitting to someone of the same sex, while otherwise being attracted only to the opposite sex, make someone bisexual?

Over the last few years I’ve realized that I am sexually submissive with women, and possibly, maybe with the right kind of man as well. But I otherwise have no interest in men. I have no desire for a vanilla sexual interaction with a man. It’s just about dominance and submission.

Have you ever encountered submissives like this and what do you think it means?”

I talk to many, MANY people who are sitting in this position. You guys always hear me talk about the sliding scale of sexuality. If we peeled away all the layers we are all inherently bi-sexual on some level. It’s just that some of us lean more one way or the other. Take myself for example; I have no lesbian tendencies at all. I’ve watched girl-on-girl porn, I’ve actually even participated in threesomes with 2 girls and one VERY LUCKY guy, yet I had no inclination to go near the other women, the urge or eroticism just isn’t there. But I DO know that given the right circumstances and the right mood or ambiance that I might go down that road. Who knows? I’m not about to pigeon hole myself and say, NO WAY I’M NEVER TACO MUNCHING!

I counsel primarily men and there are so many of you guys who are sitting in this position which I would say is right, dead smack in the middle of the sliding scale and sometimes that’s a harder position to be in.

I will say this again and again until I’m blue in the face; Pat’s position is all based on D & s. When you’re feeling sexually submissive, it’s more your need and desire to serve that makes you suck another man’s cock. It has NOTHING to do with your sexual orientation. Guys always figure if I suck a cock I’m a fag. Wrong! Unless you have romantic desires (i.e. Find other men sexually attractive and would go in to a romantic relationship with them) for the opposite sex you are NOT gay! Are you bi? Yup! But remember even bi-sexuality has a sliding scale. It’s our society’s need to label everything that fucks up your heads.

A submissive male who sucks another guys cock is not gay he’s SERVING! He’s PLEASING! It’s coming from that submissive part of you not the sexual orientation part of you. I see more people in pain from having confusing thoughts that don’t conform to what society deems as ‘normal’ that it saddens me. If we weren’t so god damn focused on what our neighbor is doing or who they’re fucking people wouldn’t have to feel this emotional confusion and pain. What you do behind closed doors (consensually) is none of anyone’s business. Would I like for everyone to be able to discuss what they do openly without judgment? Hell ya! Is that going to happen in our lifetimes? Sadly, no.

Even when you are in that submissive situation and you are sucking his cock or doing anything else sexually to this, I’m assuming, alpha male and he’s telling you you’re a ‘dirty faggot,’ even THAT doesn’t mean anything. It’s part of the humiliation streak that goes along with your submissiveness.

I have men who phone me in complete FEAR who say to me, “what if I suck a cock and like it?” So? Let’s look at that, you suck a cock and you like it, chances are you’re not enjoying the oral based on, “oh I want this guy to like me,” it’s because you are SERVING. You are delighting the idea of pleasing this guy and a lot of times it’s at the behest of a Dominant female who’s telling you to do it. In that case you’re doing what you’re told, you’re a good sub in that moment. Just relax and enjoy that wonderful feeling of submission instead of letting your mind squirrels tell you you’re wrong, or fucked in the head. You’re not!!!!

The real key in enjoying what you do is letting go of trying to ‘fit in’ with the rest of the world. Why on earth do you want to fit in with a bunch of fickle, mind-changing, bigoted, paranoid people? It’s a game you CANNOT win. So to try to play it is more ridiculous than you sucking a cock. Do what you love, what makes you feel good and let go of the societal/religious programming.

Sucking a cock in a D & s situation DOES NOT MAKE YOU GAY!

Submission with Condition

Articles, Featured, The Submissive Mind

Hi boys and girls, I’m back with another opinion piece and who knows, maybe some valuable advice will come out of it.

I’m noticing a not-so-nice trend within our community. Unfortunately boys I’m going to come down on YOUR butts for this. It’s the unfortunate behavior of submission with condition and the really ironic thing is that for those of you who do this you’re actually cheating yourselves.

So many of you boys seem to see submission as being some sort of commodity that you can bargain with…news flash…it isn’t. When you start submitting with only your own gratification in mind you’ve just lost the point of submitting at all.

There seems to be some growing trend with you boys to only submit provided there is some sort of reward at the end of the tunnel. I’ve observed this not only in financial domination, which I would have to say is rampant with it, but also in real time as well.

Let me just say that even if you’re paying for your session if you’re going in to that session, any session, with a ‘what’s in it for me’ attitude you completely blow past the entire submissive experience. Now it’s just a client-provider relationship.

True submission is an act of selflessness, it comes with the attitude of ‘what can I do for you?’ with no strings attached. I discussed compersion in a previous article about submission Are You a Sub or Not. Compersion is the joy created from a selfless act that brings another joy, relief or happiness.

I was speaking with a client of mine who had an epiphany one day when he realized that he was essentially wasting his own time by having expectations in his relationship with his Domme. He couldn’t figure out why he felt empty and why the whole experience lacked any real ‘feeling’. Then it dawned on him that he was going in to it the wrong way the whole time. He had been one of these guys who jumped around from Domme to Domme always looking for greener pastures until he realized that it wasn’t greener pastures he was looking for. That in fact his pasture was as green as could be but it was HE who through his expectations of ‘what do I get?’ was completely missing the entire submissive experience. He changed his outlook and started submitting with zero expectation, relying only on the act of pleasing with no reward and he finally found his Utopia.

So many of you subbie boys go in to this with a ‘well I just sent you a gift off of your wishlist so send me a pic of your hooters’ attitude that you are defeating the purpose of submitting in the first place. Of course you feel empty afterwards, you weren’t giving from a selfless place you didn’t get to experience compersion and only until you reach that point of pleasing with no expectation will you stop feeling like your submission is boring or that your Domme is just greedy.

Here’s perhaps a more compelling story that was told to me by a slave of mine. He heard the story of a Domme who had been in a horrible car accident. Her friend, also a Domme, gave her the use of her best slave during her convalescence. This slave did everything for her, ran her errands, did her housecleaning, made sure she ate properly and each day when his duties were finished he left quietly without any expectation of reciprocity. He just served, and was quite happy to do so.

Later, when the Domme was healthy and was back in true form both she and the slave’s actual owner secretly conceived of, and then delivered, a double Domme session with this every unsuspecting and now very happy slave. So you see? To serve without expectation of something in return usually will bring you great rewards anyway. Those of you who truly submit selflessly are the only boys and girls who can say they are truly submissive and know the feeling of servitude. So ask yourself this…do you serve with expectation or without?

The Submissive Mind

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