You guys are asking some fantastic questions that deserve posts because to answer them in comments just wouldn’t give the question justice, nor would it help others and if I can take a question and work it in to an article to help others I’M ON IT!
Cuckwannabe and K have brought up some points in the comments of Can Cuckolding Ruin a Marriage?, that need to be addressed regarding cuckolding.
Cuckolding, like everything else has changed through the years and not necessarily for the better. K points out that most of the articles on cuckolding just yammer about how amazing it is as long as you keep the communication open, and nay, I’m guilty of such articles. But what is the reality of cuckolding? Is it all sunshine and roses? And the answer to that would be HELL NO!
Our beloved internet has unfortunately skewed this lifestyle to the point of total distortion. I have been in a cuckold relationship for over 20 years. I have counselled sub males and couples who were interested or incorporated cuckolding in to their lives for almost as long. Cuckolding, like any other alternative lifestyle takes work and if you’re not careful, if the female is not in control, all hell can break loose.
K was wondering what the statistics are of couples who break up and I don’t know as there have been no definitive studies done. So based on my own observations and this is in no way a clinical study, I would say the percentages would be 40% successful and remain together and 60% go up in flames. So as you can see, it’s not an easy thing to do. But I reiterate that my ‘stats’ aren’t really stats they are observations by one person.
But why do these relationships crash and burn? And for those of you going “well duh” I mean besides the blatantly obvious issues of jealousy and resentment. If everyone is so cool with it all, how could it possibly go wrong?
Well it starts here: (these are NOT in order of any importance)
- Not Understanding What Cuckolding Is – Right off the bat most men think cuckolding is a fetish. WRONG! Cuckolding is NOT a fetish it is a lifestyle alternative to traditional monogamy. Cuckolding IS a female led relationship. It is NOT about you sitting there watching your wife get fucked. That is called voyeurism.Cuckolding is a relationship whereby the construct is the wife is dominant and the hubby submissive. Does this mean you are doing D & s stuff like adding sissification or anything else in to the mix? NO. That is strictly up to the individual couples. But the power dynamic IS ALWAYS – female dominant, male submissive. Anything else is NOT CUCKOLDING. So if your fantasy of cuckolding is you jacking off to your wife taking some guys cock you are waaaaay off base and as I said before, that’s voyeurism.And in the relationship the wife has sex with other men because her partner, in some cases cannot, but in most cases wants to see his wife be sexually satisfied by another more ‘alpha’ male. But more importantly because the woman has taken control of her own sexual satisfaction.Nor is it Hot Wife-ing. That is a derogatory term that turns cuckolding in to voyeuristic perversion. The term hot wife originated in the old chatrooms of internet yor. Where guys would pass pics of their wives (usually without their knowledge) around with other guys in a pseudo-circle jerk. “Wanna fuck my hot wife?” Calling a woman a hot wife completely objectifies her and goes back to our voyeur boys. It turns her in to a piece of meat, something to be traded like fucking baseball card. So if you’re big on that term you need to look at why, chances are it has nothing to do with cuckolding and has more to do with pimping.
- Your Wife Isn’t in to It – Women tend to want to please. It’s in our nature plus how society raises us. So I’ve seen case after case of women engaging in cuckolding ‘just to make her husband happy,’ only to end up with the relationship in tatters. The problem is if she’s only doing this to make you happy, she will feel dirty and disgusted with herself after each encounter. Eventually that wears on a person and she pulls the plug.This is usually based on miscommunication. Husband tells her about cuckolding. She’s not really in to it but doesn’t come right out and say so but any moron could tell in her body language that she’s not impressed. Husband chooses to ignore said body language and takes her lack of refusal as a green light. Both are to blame here because there’s that damn communication bug-a-boo. This usually ends up with tears and a break-up or worse back to vanilla sex, silence and a massive wedge in the relationship because both are ashamed of themselves; her for participating and him for asking in the first place.
- Female NOT Leading – This goes back to #1. Many couples engage in cuckolding with both being submissive and I can’t red flag this enough. First of all, as I stated above if she’s not in control it’s not cuckolding. But take that out of it and let’s look at the reasons why she needs to be QUEEN BEE.You have an alpha male in the room. If both of you are submissive who is in control of the situation? The alpha male. Does the alpha male care about your relationship or the two of you? NO. Nor should he, that’s not what he’s there for. But what could possibly go wrong? The primary issue is psychological head games. If the woman is not in control of the room and the men in it there’s no one protecting the relationship. The husband is in sub-space and will do anything this alpha male requests of him. He’s useless. What if our alpha buddy wants to make the husband cross a line? What if alpha boy wants to make the wife do something she’s not okay with? And that’s just skimming the top.I have worked with men who have gone through horrific psychological and physical pain from alpha males hell bent on destroying the relationship. There are even professional bulls who now make it sport to TRY to break up marriages. They keep score (no shit). If you don’t believe me listen to my show on Cuckolding Extremes and hear it from the husbands themselves. (you can listen at the bottom of the page)The woman has to be in charge of what goes on, period. Does it mean she can’t be sexually submissive in the moment? NO. Of course she can. But that alpha male/bull is there at HER bidding and to do what SHE wants. Nothing more. Any deviance from that is not just playing with fire but bathing in lava.
- The Loss of Respect – This was brought up by cuckwannabe and is a slippery slope but usually only applies in cases where other fetishes are included such as forced bi, feminization and sissification to name a few and someone’s respect changing is a personal thing and will vary from person-to-person. But those are the top three.For some, but not all men, submission usually comes with many different combinations of other kinks and fetishes. Some men want their wives to make them suck the alpha male’s dick. Some men want their wives to put them in panties and lipstick. Others want to be made in to a sissy 24/7. And for many of those same men this doesn’t come out until they are comfortable enough to tell their wife after they’ve been cuckolding for a bit. So it comes, to the wife anyway, out of nowhere.If the wife in our scenario is really in to the sexual attention she gets by both the alpha and the sub and really isn’t into any heavier D & s then the idea of her husband being feminized can become an issue and here’s why.When she married you, this whole cuckolding/girlie thing was never on the table. She knew nothing about ANY of the kink world or alternative relationships. So she doesn’t understand the psychology behind submission, nor should she. She married a MAN. Her HUSBAND, not her wife. She’s not a lesbian and the idea of you behaving this way will turn her off. So even though you think sucking the guys’ dick to get it hard is a HUGE turn-on, she probably looks at you in disgust. And IF the alpha male sees this and decides to use it to his advantage he can also throw a wrench in the works by feeding off of her disgust making what she feels even stronger.Now on the flip side of it, there are also women who find all that a turn-on. They love watching their husband suck dick and even enjoy dressing them up. And if you have a wife that will indulge that you get on your knees right now and thank your lucky stars.Loss of respect out of just simple cuckolding is rare unless, as I said, the female is doing this ‘just to please.’ If she’s not into seeing her husband submit to another male it can be a HUGE turn-OFF. But that brings us back to communication again. Not discussing this prior to will ALWAYS lead to disaster.
- Using Old Lovers as Bulls – DING-DING-DING!! I want you to hear disaster warning sounds with this one; tornado sirens. This is the WORST thing you can do. NEVER, EVER, EVER use old lovers as bulls. It’s an easy start and I get that but it will come with a host of issues.Old lovers come with emotional baggage. I don’t care how much you think you have your shit together ladies if you use an old lover for a bull in cuckolding you are again bathing in fire and stand a HIGH RISK of developing feelings for this person again thus jeopardizing your relationship. And we do this because it’s human nature not to remember the shit that drove you nuts about them and only remember the good stuff. It’s so easy to slip back in to loving feeling for this person that the risk is just too high.In that vein, the other bad idea is the whole BFE (boyfriend experience). Some of you boys want your wife to have a ‘boyfriend.’ At this point you’re gone to some weird place with no name that is in no way cuckolding. Maybe some form of poly relationship but not cuckolding.Cuckolding is NOT about replacing the relationship at all. It’s about experiencing something as a couple together sexually. It’s not something that is done every night. It’s more of an enhancement of an FLR. Once you replace the husband with a ‘boyfriend,’ it’s over.
- *Not Having Sex with the Sub* – I have starred this one because if I were to make this in order I would actually make this my number one no-no. So much of what goes on in cuckolding now is what I consider to be extreme and completely against what cuckolding is meant to be. And this practice of no longer having sex with your husband is relationship DEATH.Unless the hubby has erectile issues, or his penis is micro and penetration is almost non-existant you should NEVER, EVER delete sex from your relationship. Once you do that, the relationship is over and cuckolding ceases to exist.I will reiterate this so you can really get it, cuckolding is NOT about replacing the husband. It’s about a strong woman who knows what she wants sexually and goes out and gets it because her husband for whatever reason cannot provide it. Not unlike what men have been doing for centuries… make that millennia. But that’s it, sexually, nothing more.But in order to maintain your bond as a couple you have to continue having sex or your intimacy level will drop and you will disconnect. This I’ve seen so many times it’s unreal. Wife reads that she is supposed to be tougher and not have sex with her vile waste-of-skin husband. What do you think that kind of conditioning will do? It’s obvious. And just because Becky is doing it doesn’t make it right or healthy. As a matter of fact, I can tell you Becky is not going to be married for long, unless he’s wealthy, because she will get bored with it all.
Cuckolding when done sensibly it CAN strengthen your bond.
I think this comment that was left on the same article that spawned these questions really says it best. This is cuckolding done right. This is from husbandisacuck. And even if it’s not real, since we have to take it with a grain of salt (cause I mean come on 23 men on your wedding night, who has time?), the concept being described is right:
We’ve had a cuckold marriage for over 20 years now. My husband feels most loved by me when I have sex with other men. And I want him to feel loved by me as often as possible. We arranged for our wedding photographer to have sex with me just before our wedding, and we had 23 men join us on our wedding night to help consummate our marriage. We have had men live with us throughout the years which has not only been very nice, but also convenient.
Most everyone we know knows about our relationship, even mine and my husband’s parents and siblings. We do not hide who we are. My husband loves to see me with other men. And I will admit that I do like all the attention. Being able to cuckold my husband has made me happier, and love him more, than anything else ever could have.
Knowing that I can make my husband happy, and feel loved by me, by loving other men makes me feel special. I like knowing that my enjoying other men makes my husband feel most loved by me. And being able to have other men enjoy me, a married woman, fulfills their fantasies, too. And that means a lot to me and my husband.
Every year on our anniversary, my birthday, my husband’s birthday, New Years, Christmas Eve, etc. we have men to our house and they all make love to me, in the presence of my husband. I am their gift, and what they give to me is their gift to my husband, and to me. My husband gives to me what these other men can’t give me, and the other men give to me what my husband can’t. It’s a balance.
Although most of the other men do more with and to me, sexually, they make me love my husband more each time I am with them. I believe that cuckolding is what has made both me and my husband happiest, and our love for each other stronger.
Dear Dr Sue,
Thanks for all the great information. I find it all very interesting ? and informative. But what percent of women would be open to such a cuckold relationship?
Kind regards
I’m really curious about some of your views on this subject. I truly believe that a husband and wife MUST be sexually intimate with each other including intercourse. When a woman allows another man to man to ejaculate in her and no longer allows her husband to, the relationship as husband and wife is over. If the wife is only performing ” outercourse with the man she married, that sexual intimacy is lost between tgem and its given to other men to have with your wife. Reading some of these stories that are posted and seeing the way its acted out in porn is rediculas, over the top and not believable. The husband becomes nothing more than a slave to this woman he thinks loves and respects him. He is nothing more than a paycheck. I truly feel sorry and have compassion for men who love their wife’s so much tgat tgey would degrade themselves to keep her. It’s criminal when a wife knows this and uses this as her way to get what she wants but does not want to divorce or leave the man that supports her.
You also said that cuckolding is a woman taking control of her sex life. But when she got married she gave half if that control to her husband. Now after years of marriage and screwing a man with a small penis she wants to take it all back. That’s wrong. She made a commitment to her husband and now she wants to break that commitment. I’m really curious how many of these women who have cuckold their husband for years, if he came up to her and said he no longer wants this life style, but wants back the woman he married would react to that request. How would she feel if her husband came up to her and said he wanted to be able to screw other women? How would you feel, or what would you say if it was the husband who approached hjs wife and told her he wanted to be in control of his sex life and he wants to sleep with any woman he wants because sge is no longer satisfying his needs. I can tell you that most women would be furious and devastated. Would you approve of this?
The last thing I have for you. In a cuck relationship the husband and wife agree that she must be on birth control in order to let men cum inside of her and agree she can’t get pregnant and she than turns around and stops taking birthcontrol without talking to her “husband” about it, because she decided she wants to have a bulls baby, why is the cuck responsible to financially support and raise a child him and his wife agreed they did not want? I would be telling my ex wife to go move in with her bull since she is the one who broke this trust and made this life changing decision on her own. She and her bull need to be responsible and if her bull says, tough shit, she’s on her own.
I agree with you that a husband and wife should never stop having sex with one another. I don’t teach that. And yes everything depicted in porn is over-the-top and ridiculous. This entire diatribe is you mansplaining what I have already said.
Your point about would a woman approving of a man just fucking who he wants again, is moot. Men already do this. You are missing the point and it seems to me that women deciding who they want to fuck, WITH THE HUSBAND’S BLESSING, is the part that’s rubbing you the wrong way. Get out of the ’50’s and deal with your obvious toxic masculinity and leave the sexual decision making to the woman, where it belongs.
Wny does all of this bother you if you’re not engaging in this type of lifestyle? Just move on. But here you are hovering around website that is clearly turning you on. Perhaps you need to do some soul searching yourself.
While I agree with most of your assertions, I do think you’re definition of what constitutes cuckolding is a bit rigid. Any man whose wife has sex with another while married is a cuckold…by definition. Also, I don’t necessarily think it pimping or somehow unfair if the cuckolded husband desires to watch. I am in a cuckold marriage for 5 years now so I do have a bit of background. Now I’ve never witnessed my wife with her lover because he is not into that. And that is fine with me. But I do desire to watch her and one day hope I get that opportunity. There are husbands who are interested in having their wives sex other men but a condition of that is that he be allowed to watch. So long as this stipulation is made clear ahead of time and the wife agrees , it’s not pimping or taking advantage in my opinion. She can always say no. Then he can say well without that component, I’m not interested in that path. All marriages are negotiations. You clearly have more years of experience in the lifestyle and I applaud you and your husbands success. I would like to add what I think can kill a marriage in relation to cuckolding that you didn’t mention. One party unilaterally changing any agreed upon rules without consulting the other and getting said permission. Each and every couple who pursues this path successfully has parameters of some kind. As the relationship progresses often times those parameters change as the married couple becomes more comfortable with the lifestyle and they renegotiate those parameters from time to time. However, if one or the other defies those parameters on their own, it can and will create a big rift. It could be something like the wife starting to keep things secret or the husband demanding she cut back or break it off just like that. There are countless other examples depending upon the individual couples’ agreements. Each spouses wishes should be respected in so far as they were put on the table ahead of time. Or like I said, option B, don’t pursue the lifestyle. Being on the same page is crucial.
What can I say Louis I’m a rigid kinda bitch.
Check your email Louis
I am a submissive male in my late 40’s. I am in a D/s relationship with a Dominant Female. However, cuckolding isn’t for me, never has been, and never will be. Even if I had the tiniest interest in it, the horror stories I’ve heard are more than enough of a deterrent. I’ve had people tell me that it works and is amazing. BUT, here’s the thing. Playing devil’s advocate for a moment, let’s say that cuckolding is 80% awesome and 20% bad news. That is STILL a lot of bad. Shoot, I’ll go even further. Let’s say it’s more like 90% good, 10% bad. That 10% bad is more than people realize. Personally, I would not trust a bull any farther than I could throw him. Now, of course, this is all just my .02 on the matter and my reasons for steering clear. I wouldn’t try and dissuade anyone that really and truly had a desire for it.
And you’re right not to trust them. Well done on having the self-awareness to know what you can and cannot handle and not just living by your dick.
My boyfriend says he wants to be my cuckold and have me be his domme…. but when we have sex (just him and I no cuckolding yet) he takes control and becomes the dominant one….and he likes to talk about having another man fuck me while he watches, but he gets super jealous and insecure if he thinks other men will hit on me when im out or that im talking to other men, which im not and i try to show him that constantly thats hes the only man in my life….I’m confused and scared to live out this fantasy idk what he really wants????
You have been placed in a no win situation and that’s not fair. I would never go through with it based on how he behaves. If you do, he’ll blame you for it. He’s too confused about his own wants for you to even think of this type of lifestyle. The problem is, once you do it, you can’t un-do it.
Hi,
Great article. My wife and I have discussed threesomes with both men and women. She is bi, I am not.
Years ago, it came out that she had multiple affairs while we were married. (We are still married) Though it was a bit of a shock back then, I kind of knew the whole time. I am not a submissive man. In fact, I’m definitely an alpha that might be too dominant to her. Because the guys she had sex with, were not more dominant than me. It turns out that she dominated them. Kind of like that term, shit rolls down hill. Some time has passed and we have discussed a threesome. It will go both ways. First with another man, next a woman. I chose the man already, because he is submissive to me. He’s honored to join us, because my wife is a knockout.
The idea of her having sex with another “person” has always been a turn on to me and she said the same thing about me with another woman. I’m trying to be really careful here, because we both have this fetish and I don’t want it to ruin our marriage. Thoughts?
My wife and I have been in a cuckolding/voyeur relationship for many years, since before we were married. Her sex drive and desire to continue “cheating” has waned, and decreased to basically nothing. She is very defensive, and doesn’t want to discuss. Any ideas how to reopen conversations? Giving up this lifestyle is not what I want, and she has known this since early on.
Ryan what you need to do is sit down and discuss how she’s feeling. If her sex drive is low you need to find out why and see if it’s correctable. But if in the end she doesn’t want to do this anymore, that’s her decision and you have to accept it.
I understand you guys are trying to help but as I read more and more of this article I realized it was written by a woman and I have to admit this is a form of disease that opens a woman to leave her man at will. It’s setting himself up for a disaster that leaves her questioning if he is really the one for her. I wish there was a cure but I don’t think there ever will be and this is a form of natural selection at its best where some men just get weeded out of importance.
Misogyny thy name is Harry, along with others. Don’t try speaking on a subject you clearly know nothing about. I’ve been in this type of relationship for over 25 years and we are both very happy. Tell me opinionated Harry, are you okay with swinging? And how is it you don’t know that a woman wrote the article when the name of the site is The Dr Sue Review. You’re a whole heapin’ helpin’ of special arent’ ya? Oh and one last thing. If you find this so abhorent, why are you looking it up to read about it?
the reason that I am reading about it is because I just can’t believe that anyone would even think of doing something like this!
And you know what Thomas? The beauty of life is, you don’t have to do this if you don’t want to. You can just move on with your life on your own terms and never think about it again.
Dr sue you couldnt said it better ??Yeppers! One life to live!
You are sick, deranged and a complete waste of precious air. So is the absolute waste of a man you call your husband. You should both hang your heads in shame and KYS. I also couldn’t believe this was a thing and frankly this disgusts me more than rape.
LMMFAO! I used to delete these but they are getting funnier and funnier. Seriously. How does one “trip” over an article on cuckolding if you aren’t researching it in the first place. I’m sorry this hurt your pee pee but some women actually choose who they want to fuck. Get over it, they don’t want to fuck you so you can just move along.
I’ve been dating my boyfriend for 2 years. In the last six months during sex, he began to mention to me how he wants to fuck me in public so everyone sees how hot I am. It turned me on. They he started to say more and more things while having sex (still turning me on) about me having sex with another man. Then it started to become more of a conversation that we were contemplating to plan. About a few weeks ago, we got dressed up, he took me to a really fancy restaurant, I had a few martinis and I requested we go to a strip club. We did so. Many men were gawking at me and my boyfriend was getting turned on. We sat at the bar with a few patrons and stripper. I ended up having my tits out and them fondling my boobs at the bar. One man in particular was very fond of me. We went to our car woth the man in the back seat. He was kissing me and groping me. I was looking at my bf and he was telling the man to kiss me and suck on my tits. I was completely aroused! He needed to bring his friend home so he was going to meet up with us. However, i ended up passing out after. So I was glad it didn’t go further. I wouldn’t want to be so drunk for the 1st time. Anyway, my bf has not stopped telling me how hot I am or how much he loves me and how satisfied he is with me. Before this all began, I might add.. we have THE highest trust for oneanother, the best sex life and complete respect for one another. We’re now planning a trip to CT for a night out to the adult cinema. I think I might go slow and only have sex with him in front of others. The COVID thing has me nervous to do anything with strangers nowadays lol. This lifestyle on his side is to totally see me aroused. He said it’s the hottest thing to him.. my arousal and my orgasms. This is to NOT replace him. But to satisfy our fantasy, together. When he speaksnofnhisnfantadynin my ear when having sex, it almost immediately makes me cum. He always says I can do whatever I want, as long as he’s around. Frankly. I have zero desire to do it when he’s not. I’m just worried if the unknown after we go through with it. I’ve asked him if he will constantly want to do this, and r don’t, will he get bored? And I believe him when he says he is ONLY in love with me and wants only for me to be pleased. Advice?
It’s hard to analyze your relationship based on a paragraph of info but if what you’ve written is correct it sounds like you guys are on the correct path. Never do anything just to please your partner. The only advice I will give you is make sure your lines of communication are WIDE open. That means you talk about every encounter, did it work for you? Did it work for him? What could you do different etc. The best part of cuckolding is the journey the couple takes together. The laughing about the moronic males who try to get in your pants etc. It becomes a personal long running joke that will actually bring you both closer. I would NOT do this all the time or it will get boring. Despite what porn tells the average male, doing this every week causes burn out. It’s meant to be a treat. Something special for just the two of you to enjoy. Like a fine wine. You don’t guzzle the whole bottle in 5 mins. You savor it. You enjoy every nuance and flavor. Keeping the communication open will relieve all of your worries about boredom etc. Use caution with the term, “I only want to see you satisfied,” because for many men it’s a standard line to get you to do what he wants. THIS IS ABOUT YOU AND WHAT YOU WANT. Not him. He and his dick will be just fine regardless of how you play it.
Fantastic article and a very balanced point of view, me and my wife have started down this path after 26 years of been together, she is my world and I adore her, but I’ve always knew she needed more sexually, she wouldn’t admit it though! But during our playtime she always came to the thkiggt of sex with an alpha male right in front of me, she’s sexually dominant and aggressive and says I’m weak and submissive, which I am, she says she loves me and still finds me attractive and wants to tease and dominate me but needs that naughty one night stand with a real man, she is very head strong and fully in control, she will never meet guys round our area, we go away once a month for a night to a hotel where she will act out her fantasise and get the satisfaction I can’t give her, the only thing that has disturbed me a bit is seeing the change in her sexually, at first we said we’d just try it but she loved the sex and said she’d realised what she’d been missing, stamina and girth, and started taking the lead, booking the hotels arranging the meets, and telling me her sex drive has gone through the roof, we are still very intimate but I’m other ways, I’m in permanent chastity and she pegs me often and teases me, this excited us both and she has grown in dominance, but sexually she says she doesn’t want me inside her anymore, I still feel very close to my wife and can’t keep my hands off her but I do worry where we would stand if we decided to stop this, I think she would be frustrated and bored, and to be honest so would I, the lifestyle is very addictive,