The Submissive Mind

The issue of a submissive being too needy comes up way more than you’d think. No matter what type of domination is being done; pro, online, lifestyle or a combination thereof, an overly clingy sub will pop up from time to time. But how do you know if you’re that guy?

The best way to tell if you’re being too needy is to look at your behavior based on the time you’re occupying with your Domme/Dom. Are you occupying an enormous amount of your Mistress or Master’s time? And be honest with yourself. Look at all of your interactions with them including social media, phone/cam calls, assignments, emails, texts and chat. If it’s several times a day with any of those things, you probably have a problem.

Now don’t get me wrong. We love you overzealous boys and what you’re doing isn’t horrible behavior it is nonetheless hard to deal with without your Domme coming off looking ungrateful which I can assure you they are not. But when you start to occupy your Goddess’s time what you’re failing to see is your own selfishness in the process.

I know, you’re sitting there thinking, ‘Well wtf, I’m damned if I do and damned if I don’t,’ and you’d be right. It is sort of a tight-rope walk but the key to this is… balance. Just like on a tight-rope you need to balance yourself, a little too much tilt to either side, and you fall.

Remember these are relationships you’re forming and there is a level of give and take. As a submissive you try to give, give, GIVE and that can be overwhelming if it’s constant. So what you view as being a really obedient boy might be coming off as me, me, ME! Keep this thought in mind when you are evaluating your submissive behavior. Needy equals greedy. Say that phrase over and over in your mind. Needy equals greedy.

When you are constantly in your Domme’s face it makes you like a mosquito, a pest that needs to be swatted but not in a fun D&s way. More like a, ‘get me a can of Raid and let me kill that fucking thing,’ way. But because you are essentially a really good boy she puts up with it for a while until she finally blows and you’re left standing there wondering what you did wrong. See what I mean about relationships?

I find needy subs are much more prevalent in online domination because of the physical disconnect. When you aren’t in the physical presence of your Domme there is a disconnect that occurs because even though you know she’s real, there’s still a piece missing. And because it’s missing many of you will treat your Goddess as though she’s just your personal play toy available whenever you want. And that comes out in time consumption.

Here are a few questions to ask yourself:

• Do I talk to my Domme more than once a day? (using any form of communication)
• Do I constantly look for my Domme’s approval?
• Do I need to be given orders every day?
• Do I try to get my Domme’s attention for validation daily?
• Is my behavior stopping other subs from enjoying my Domme?

I’ve had many subs over time propose scenarios they want to live by that are simply unrealistic and intensely selfish. Daily assignment emails or texts for example. Even if you pay for those assignments they take an enormous amount of time to create, deploy and monitor. Time that rarely gets paid for.

Phone calls can become another issue. I’m not saying that we don’t want you to call us, of course we do, it’s part of our service BUT if you are calling every day for two and three hours a day that doesn’t leave much left of your Domme for other subs who may want her services. Again, needy equals greedy. You are not her only sub unless the Domme is brand new and your constant attention seeking means others can’t enjoy her the way you do. And if you think, GOOD, then again, you’re not being submissive you’re being selfish.

As a person whose career is now basically 100% phone based I will tell you a secret. Talking all day long on the phone gets tiring. It is draining, which is why I get so angry when you boys jizz and hang up without even so much as a good bye. We are human beings on the other end of that phone line and we deserve common decency and manners.

And again, no one is bitching this is what we do and we love what we do, all that any of the ladies are asking is learn balance. We don’t want to have to tell you to fuck off because you’re driving us crazy over something as silly as your own selfish, needy behavior because we know you’ll go all ‘hurt bunny’ over it.

So I’m writing this so you guys can analyze your own behavior and see if you’re occupying too much of your Domme’s time. And if you’re not sure, ask. Ask your Domme if you’re being too clingy and don’t pout if she tells you yes. It doesn’t mean she doesn’t want to ever talk to you again, it just means you need more balance.

The phrase, everything in moderation is very true of basically anything in life. And I know sometimes when you’re new or just really in to being a sub you can get caught up in it like a new Baptist who’s found Jesus behind their couch and are now saved, they want to save everyone.

And with balance my dear boys comes REWARD! I know no one wants to hear the word, moderation. I mean seriously, that’s like walking in to a candy store and being told you get half a stick of gum. But here’s where the reward pays out and it applies to everything we over indulge in, the less you do it, the better it gets when you do. And that can be sugar or your Domme’s attention.

Having time away from your Domme is as important as the time you do spend with her. The time away allows you to reflect and deepen your bond to both her and your submission. It allows you to do part of the backbone of submission, suffer.

True submission is based on sacrifice and suffering. If you’re always getting your fix you end up craving more and more because you don’t get the same high you did when you first started talking to her. It’s why many of you boys jump from Domme to Domme looking for the next best high. But you wouldn’t have to do that if you served ONE DOMME in moderation.

Suffer for her when you are away from her. Sacrifice your time with her, so she has more for others who also need her. Long for the sound of her voice. Play chastity games by not touching yourself during your Domme Downtime. It doesn’t have to be November to play No Nut November. Play sacrificial games by going for the month with no lunch and sending her the money. The ideas are endless but you see my point.

For you needy boys you need to look at serving your Goddess a couple of times a week or better yet, ASK HER. I can’t tell you guys how important that is. Every woman is different in how she dominates so ask her what you can do to make your time together better for both of you.

If you recognize that you are a sub who needs more time from your Domme, that’s ok, but make sure your Domme has that type of time to give you. Don’t assume that she does.

By analyzing and recognizing your behavior and actually talking to your Domme about how you can be better, you’ll both end up with a much more rewarding experience.

What do you think? Sound off below:

Bob writes:

…i have been serving a Findom for almost going on five years now. I have been masturbating to Her clips and pics since the very beginning. Now i have did a little reading on this subject but i have become impotent when i’m with a woman, which the last time i went out on a date and couldn’t perform that was it, i was very embarrassed. The thing that bothers me is i can still reach an intense orgasm when watching her clips, and seeing her pics, i even get aroused when reading one of her emails to me. I don’t understand why i can’t separate the two and still perform when with a woman. I’m bothered by this very much Dr. Sue.

I’m afraid you have a pornography addiction Bob. Many men I speak to jump to conclusions when it comes to their behaviour and addiction is a word that gets passed around a lot both in sexual fantasy and reality. But this is a really good example of classic porn addiction.

The internet has obviously contributed to most of the issues men are having today. Porn is more readily available than it used to be and definitely more attainable to men at younger and younger ages; kids as young as 12 have become porn addicts.

But here’s the kicker, porn addiction doesn’t exist in the DSM-5 (Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders) which is the holy grail of psychiatry but we all know it exists and is in fact a very serious problem that grows every year. The caveat when it comes to the DSM is that it is heavily influenced by the pharmaceutical industry and is more concerned with labelling disorders than really dealing with them plus most of the information is antiquated. For example they still feel having a paraphilia (fetish) is a psychiatric condition. [This is why I advise anyone getting in to the mental health realms to just ‘get through’ your basic

schooling because 99.9% of what you’ll learn is from your patients not a book that’s so old it is basically irrelevant – within reason obviously.] So because there is no scientific evidence that would make these old codgers happy enough to put it in the book it leaves us with no clinical ‘by-the-book’ treatment plan. But that doesn’t mean it can’t be treated. It just means as a clinician you try different modalities until something sticks. Let’s look first at why I think Bob has a porn addiction.

Although there is no scientific evidence that would make the old boys happy we do have the ability to watch for trends and many great psychologists and psychiatrists have done simple studies and observations enough for us to be able to note some repeating tendencies.

Erectile dysfunction – The inability to get an erection without the use of your preferred porn or the inability to get an erection by looking at a three dimensional human being instead of a two dimensional image.

Dissociation/Reclusiveness – The inability to relate to or have empathy for your partner in addition to having no sexual desire for them. You start to find your partner irritating because you want your porn, your porn ‘gets you.’ I have had gentlemen tell me that they just like masturbating better because YOU know how to get yourself off whereas THEY don’t anymore.

You can also become reclusive where you stop going out with friends or if you’re single you don’t bother to date because it’s either too much work or it pulls you away from your porn. And in some extreme cases men will stay home from work to watch porn and masturbate thereby threatening their own livelihood.

Social anxiety disorders can accompany a porn addiction as well. The idea of going out and approaching a woman becomes too much so they stay home in a safe environment where they can’t be rejected. As such many late in life virgins are porn addicts.

But erectile dysfunction is number one. So in Bob’s case you can see he is no longer able to get an erection or if he does its weak or isn’t able to be maintained when he’s physically with a woman. And he has a good reason to be concerned.

Now we have to add in another element, the fact that this is a D&s relationship. This started out innocent enough. You find a Domme, you buy her clips, you build a relationship and she tells you to do nothing but watch her clips or listen to her audios when you jerk-off and nothing else. This creates two issues, his willingness to do as he’s told and the repetition of watching her clips and jerking off which sets up a great scenario for the addictive brain whether or not the Domme knows it. Not that this is her responsibility but if she cares about her subs then she should have a plan for this type of issue but to be completely honest most men don’t follow orders to that degree. They buy, they serve a bit then they drift off. But some, like Bob, become devoted pets who will do anything they’re told.

The bad news is the only way to kick a porn addiction is to cease looking at the porn. I’d love to say there’s an easy way but this is a behavioral issue which means breaking the behavior. You can’t break the behavior if you’re still engaged in the behavior.

Bob has a problem because the only way for him to get back in to ‘reality sex’ is for him to stop interacting with his Domme and change his behavior. So it comes down to a decision, keep serving the Domme and remain where you are now addicted to her and the entertainment she provides or stop all contact and work on re-entering the real world. It takes time just as it did to become an addict and most people don’t want to do the work involved.

I’ve seen this with hundreds of clients over the years and it’s not an easy thing to kick because it feels good. But porn addiction is a real and serious issue and can cause you to lose your partner, your family and your friends. If you do feel you’re going down the road to a porn addiction my suggestion is to stop now and reverse your actions before you dig the hole deeper. You can always fix it, but the longer you stay there, the longer it will take to fix later.

If you find that you’re anxiety ridden or have a social issue then I would suggest you see a psychiatrist and discuss some pharmaceutical ways to help you through in addition to mental health counselling from a provider who specializes in sexual and porn addictions in your area. It’s not worth losing your loved ones over or not engaging in the deliciousness that is human sexual contact.

In this world of ultra-sensitive people everyone seems afraid to speak the truth for fear of pissing off or hurting someone. The problem with this logic is that in the end we lose out on common sense; something that in my opinion is sorely lacking these days. When we become too afraid to call out bad behavior that’s when bad behavior thrives.

Case-in-point, several lovely ladies on Twitter were discussing the latest ‘kink,’ bug chasing. What I found most disturbing was the lack of accountability of the participants in this this psychological disorder out of a fear of ‘kink shaming’ those who participate.

Bug chasing is the name associated with men or women (although primarily men) who engage in risky sexual behaviour in the quest of getting HIV (Human Immunodeficiency Virus the virus that causes AIDS). The HIV positive participants being called ‘gift givers.’ Bug chasing also goes by the name of charging.

Although bug chasing has been around for well over 15 years and probably dates back as far as the onset of the HIV virus in the ‘80’s within the gay community I noticed this behaviour catching on over the last five years or so within the hetero community. More and more men were discussing with me how they loved having unprotected sex with men who may or may not be infected with the virus and what a thrill they got from that exposure.

For some of you scratching your head thinking, ‘wait you just said the hetero community and guys having sex with one another,’ yes that’s right you can have sex with other men and not be gay. I’ve discussed that numerous times here in The Review but that’s not what we’re focusing on here.

More and more heterosexual males who are in long-term relationships are engaged in this very disturbing behavior. That means that they are not only engaging in this pseudo-suicidal behavior but it now gets spread unknowingly to the female partner. This, my friends, is manslaughter. Those same clients also told me they hated their wives and didn’t care if they were exposed.

Bug chasing has been studied by many doctors over the last decade and they have concluded several reasons for this type of behavior. First is the obvious…suicide. Which should be really easy to figure out and condemn but nothing is ever that black and white.

I’m a big believer that if you want to kill yourself you should have that right. I believe we treat our animal friends better than ourselves when it comes to end-of-life care etc. I even feel that way for those who are depressed with one caveat, I would rather folks work on that issue before making a final decision because that type of mental health issue can be made better with the right help. But in the long run it’s your life and you can do what you want with it, including ending it. So in that respect I understand the mentality of, ‘let them do what they want.’

If you know me, you know that I am the first person to get folks to live-and-let-live, you-do-you, let your freak flag fly as long as you’re not hurting yourself or someone else. Being in BDSM we obviously have much more leeway in the pain and suffering department than your average person but at what point do we draw the line? In my opinion that line gets drawn when the psychology behind the alleged kink is warped and unhealthy as is the case with bug chasing and gift giving.

I would love to say that we are all mentally healthy individuals capable of making these decisions with a rational mind but unfortunately that isn’t the case for many people engaged in this type of behavior. I don’t like calling it a kink because it isn’t something one should aspire to throw on their kink list on FetLife.

As with any sexual proclivity there will always be those who take things to the extreme. As I wrote in my article on Why We Engage in Risky Sexual Behavior for the most part many are looking for that ‘high’ one gets from extreme risk. Of course there are those bug chasers who are, as I mentioned before, suicidal, have low self-esteem, or even display characteristics of having Munchausen Syndrome and all of these are NOT reasons to be engaged in this type of activity or any type of BDSM session.

I’ve heard horror stories of illicit ‘gift giving,’ where men with HIV actually hunt down men who are clean in order to infect them. Again a pretty nefarious reason to be spreading this disease and in many areas against the law and likened to manslaughter or murder despite the fact that HIV is no longer the death sentence it once was.

The idea of folks craving to be infected also flies in the face of those who have lost loved ones to this wretched virus and its accompanying immunodeficiency. I’m sure there are many of those friends and relatives who would tell a bug chaser that this isn’t in anyway cool or acceptable.

So at what point do we rely on common sense and common decency to make our decisions? I don’t think it’s kink shaming to point out that this is a self-destructive behavior that needs to be addressed by a mental healthcare practitioner. Whether it’s humiliation or base jumping you need to ask yourself the hard question, why am I doing this?

What are your thoughts? Sound off in the comments below: