So many of the gentlemen I speak with find themselves ashamed of their submissive feelings. Pesky little feeling shame is. It’s always there to kill any enjoyment we might be feeling. So let’s start by looking at shame.
Shame comes from a belief that we are not fitting into a preconceived box. It can stem from a belief that what we are doing is wrong because we don’t fit into a box we either didn’t create or one that we created that doesn’t serve us. This is what is generating the rampant suicide we are dealing with right now. People don’t feel like they fit into a box they didn’t create in the first place or they’re trying to fit in and aren’t accepted.
In the case of submissiveness, the most important thing to realize is that you aren’t 100% submissive. No one is. We are all both dominant and submissive depending on a series of factors including, mood, circumstance etc. Let’s say you are sexually submissive and now think your manhood is jeopardized. Well, I can assure you that if I took you and put you in a situation where you had to save your child you wouldn’t be submissive.
I always tell guys who are in white collar jobs that the next tim
e they’re in the boardroom I can guarantee that at least one guy sitting at that table is wearing panties and at least 2 more are wishing they were. So would you call a CEO of a huge corporation, who spends his day making important decisions that will affect the lives of his employees as well as the consumers and is an alpha male all day long but then goes home and drops to his knees for his wife…weak? No he’s a mix of domination and submission. And that same CEO who has the ability to come home and play off of his opposite side will be one of the most clear-headed, calm and focused men in that company. It’s because he is able to express both sides of himself that he becomes balanced. Compare him to the guy who beats himself up mentally all day because he has thoughts of sexual submission and then has to hit up his wife as an ‘alpha’ male because that’s what’s expected of him and you have an unhappy and stressed out guy on your hands.
One of the biggest issues we have as human beings is constantly trying to put everything into boxes with labels. Labels are the bane of our existence. I understand the need for them from a language perspective. We need to differentiate to describe. But we take them to crazy new personal levels that cause most of the ills of our life here on this planet.
For example, all religions think they have the answer and are the only true way to whatever salvation you’re looking for. Sexuality is another label frenzy area, followed by gender. And let’s not forget our good friend’s skin color and politics. But nothing is that black and white. NOTHING. No one is 100% hetero, 100% gay, 100% bi, 100% male, 100% female, 100% dominant, 100% submissive, 100% black, 100% white, 100% liberal, 100% conservative or any other thing you want to throw in there.
As a collective whole humanity is a delicious mix of souls. And if we break it down even more, each of us as individuals are a unique, yummy recipe that goes into that mix of souls.
Until we can get it through our heads that there is nothing BETTER THAN anything else and that nothing in this world is the same and that’s the whole point, we will continue to frustrate, belittle, bully and destroy each other. None of us are the same. Not even identical twins. Except for one thing, we are all human beings – flawed and beautifully individual.
The difference in all of us is why we’re here. And that’s the cosmic joke being played on you right now if you have any kind of prejudiced thoughts. If we had no difference we could not create. And each one of us is an amazing creator. We create by thinking, “I like that, but not that.” We create by noticing difference and choosing what pleases us and focusing on it. And what pleases me will not be what pleases you and that’s the whole point. But we get caught up in looking at what ‘the other guy’ is creating and because it displeases us we think that we should stop ‘the other guy’ from what they’re doing when in fact it has no bearing on us and what we’re creating over here unless we focus on it.
Difference is the point, without it, we have nothing.
So stop trying to fit into these boxes created by someone else in THEIR vision and start really appreciating who you are in all your glorious diversity and then look around you at all the fantastic variations of things there are to appreciate or discard. The choice is yours. But don’t disparage the stuff you don’t like. Just don’t focus on it and it won’t be a part of your experience.
Put the shame away since it’s only you demeaning you and take with you the personal freedom of being who you are in this moment because this moment is all you have. Don’t ruin it with guilt, fault, shame or blame. Just be you in all of your individual glory, submission and all.
Sound off in the comments below:
For what it’s worth… I agree with Doc society puts so much pressure on men to be a certain way, there is nothing wrong with having submissive feelings. In fact it’s quite healthy. ESPECIALLY when you have no other form or release in your life.
I am (26) also ashamed, I would like to be a dominant alpha man but can a man of 5’81 and only 4.7 inch has to be alpha? every thirteen year old today is bigger. Every girl has had experience with bigger and many ex friends even young girls.
Well there is a school of thought that being alpha is a state of mind. That confidence is what makes you alpha. But I challenge that because when you give off the ‘alpha’ vibe and a woman picks up on it there is expectation that what comes with the confidence is the body parts to back it up. So at some point when you drop your drawers it’s, game over. True alpha-ness also comes from KNOWING that you can back up your swagger.
Very lucid. Very logical. I agree with everything in theory.
But yet, I still can’t shake that shame. I never will and, believe me, I’ve tried. I’ve tried and failed for the last 15 years, so this is with me for life. Maybe it’s completely irrational of me but it is what I feel. I’m currently in one of my bad states. I’ve been pissed off since I went to bed last night and this morning it’s still eating me. I made the mistake of indulging in some SPH tumblr sites for 20 minutes or so last night and afterwards it set me off. I’m stewing in feelings of hating myself and resenting women and generally being pissed off at the world. This feeling will linger now for the next couple of days, ruining my quality of life, until it subsides and waits for the next submissive episode where it will start all over.
Believe me, if there were a pill or a surgery that could remove this submissive streak, whatever the cost, by tomorrow morning it would be gone.
Why does your submissive side piss you off so much Pat? Why do you hate it so much?
Because I think it eroticizes weakness and inadequacy and that is not healthy. I think we should strive to overcome our weaknesses or at least play to our strengths, not degrade ourselves because we lack a certain trait or have a trait we consider undesirable or because we feel unworthy and undesirable in general.
Some of my fetishes, such as SPH, fit that description. It triggers real insecurities and sets me off. I don’t really want to be humiliated. I want to be accepted but because I feel unacceptable in this regard I have eroticized it. I guess bad attention is better than no attention but it doesn’t come without the emotional sting and the associated shame afterwards.
Pat, you have expressed my thoughts and concerns quite clearly. There is nothing to be proud of about being submissive there is only shame. I. too. have longed for that “pill” that would lift this cure.
Hey Doc another great article as usual and You’re spot on about any of us not being 100% one way or another. Sexually I’ve noticed I’ve become more accommodating to anything I might think to be interesting but as for submitting that is still more a depression deal for me. But I might submit fully to one person only down the line one day while still being Dominant to another as being polyamorous does give me that option.
I’m a guy, in my 60’s. When I was younger I found lots of love with women, but never love that lasts. I was married for about 15 years. My ex cheated several times and I finally left. That was about 15 years ago. My ex is remarried. The divorce was difficult, but she and I tried to do what’s best for our kids (who are now grown) and over time have become friends. Her husband and I are friends, too. I still date, but for about 5 years now I’ve been masturbating to porn regularly. I’m turned on more and more by femdom verbal humiliation–being called a loser, a cuck, a cock worshipping bitch, a pathetic jerk off, etc. I don’t have a small penis so I’m not into sph. I’m also very turned on by being called a cocksucker and being told to suck cock. I love hand job and blow job clips with big cocks. I like to suck on a dildo while I watch them. I have an overwhelming desire to suck a real cock. I’m very fond of women but something has always been missing in my hetero relationships. I think I’ve been repressing my desire for sex with men. Also, a couple other things might factor in. When I was about 11 some older boys coaxed me into a garage and locked the door and took turns stroking and sucking my dick. In my twenties I was stalked for a couple years by an ex-girlfriend. A toxic relationship but she was very hot. When I’d find her waiting at my car or by my door, sometimes I’d convince her to leave, other times I couldn’t resist her advances. Sometimes what I’ve experienced seems weird. Other times it just seems human. When it seems weird, I think I should give up sex and maybe try to find enlightenment. Just go in a totally different direction. When it doesn’t seem weird, I think I should take the leap and find a cock to suck and see what happens. I would like to know if my desires are real or just a porn-induced fantasy. I like your perspective on accepting ourselves and each other, but you also see the complexity in sexuality. I’m at a crossroads and I’m not sure what to do. I know you can’t decide for me, but I’d be very interested to hear your thoughts.
Rodney I think You’re just learning that your sexuality might be more fluid then you were always taught. If you want to experiment I’d say go for it but always think safety first but I’m just an average guy and listen to the Doc She’s a smart cookie.